Revision: Liz Vs. ML
Jul42010
So thank you very much for the betas on Liz and ML. Here’s a rewrite. Please notice, I did not say THE rewrite. Because there will be more. Have at it:
Three houses down, I knocked on the door and my aunt MariLou answered, sharp and slim as ever, her white hair razor cut and her gray eyes narrow under over-plucked brows, the yang to my mother’s well-fed, bottle-blonde yin.
“Well, look who finally came home,” she said, crossing her arms under her bodacious rack, which Molly says is the only good thing her mother ever gave her.
“Yep,” I said. “Molly here? We’re going to go out–”
“Come in here, Elizabeth,” my aunt said, opening the screen door with no welcome in her voice at all, and I went in.
My uncle Day was sitting in the living room in front of the TV watching Rachel Maddow. I heard my aunt take a breath to say something, and I said, “Uncle Day!” and he turned and his chubby face lit up, his glasses practically fogging with delight.
“Lizzie!” he said and got up and bounded over and gave me a hug. There aren’t a lot of people I’ll hug back, but my uncle Day, always.
“I missed you,” I said into his shoulder and it was true.
“We missed you, too, baby,” he said, rubbing my back. Then he let go and said, “I can’t believe how grown up you are, your mom showed me pictures but, just look at you!”
I smiled at him, and then over his shoulder I saw Aunt ML staring daggers at him.
“Come on in,” he said, oblivious as he put his arm around me again. “We need to catch up. I–”
“I need to talk to Elizabeth,” my aunt said in that she-who-must-be-obeyed voice, and Uncle Day looked at me in sympathy, patted my back again, said, “Maybe later,” and went back to his LaZBoy.
Aunt ML took another breath to speak, and I went to the bottom of the stairs and yelled, “Molly!”
Moll came out on the landing in her bra and some black cigarette pants that looked sprayed on. “Hey, Liz! I told you I have the fitting first–”
“And I’m real excited about going,” I said loudly.
“Well, you’re right on time,” she said, shifting gears. “The fitting’s at Lavender’s so it’ll only take a minute to get there.”
“I need to speak to your cousin first,” my aunt said to her from behind me.
“I’ll be down fast,” Molly said to me and disappeared at a run.
I turned to face my aunt and found her looking me up and down.
“You’re going up to the Blues in a T-shirt and a hoodie.”
“Yep.” I took a step back. “I’ll wait out on the porch.”
“Your hair’s too long.” Her narrow lips tightened as she took a step forward. “It makes you look slutty.”
“Truth in advertising.” I said and went out to sit on the front porch swing.
Aunt ML followed me out, pulling on a coat as she came. “I’m disappointed in you, Elizabeth.”
“Just like old times.” I pushed off and the swing began to move back and forth, but my aunt’s steely eyes never left my face.
“Your mother is ill, but you wouldn’t come back for that, you wouldn’t come back for your her birthday for fifteen years, you wouldn’t give anybody in this family the time of day, but Cash Porter decides to get married, and here you are.”
This is a standard ML move: describe the situation as she sees it with no regard for fact or truth and then leave you to try to fix the record on the defensive. I could ignore her or I could play her game, but I couldn’t win.
She shook her head. “That’s what I thought. You’re as big a fool for that boy now as you ever were. Some people–”
“I’m just in town for the night, Aunt ML.”
“Don’t interrupt, Elizabeth, it’s rude.”
I took a deep breath. “I didn’t know he was getting married. I came home because you wrote me that my mother was losing her mind, which I did not believe, and now that I’ve seen her, I really don’t believe it. So don’t send me any more letters because I’m not opening them.”
“It’s all over town, what you’re doing,” my aunt went on as if I hadn’t said anything, “but Cash is not gonna give up Lavender Blue for you. Beautiful girl, smart, rich. He’s not going to give that up. That kind of man always goes for quality.”
“Good for him.” I pushed off harder. Don’t answer her any more, don’t play her game. Just wait for Molly–
“I can’t believe you thought you could get him back. How many times did he dump you in high school?”
I may have twitched on that one, not so much at what she said but at all the scorn with which she said it. Nothing like having the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to you thrown back in your face by your family.
Aunt ML sniffed and sat down beside me, showing some nice timing since I had that swing going at a pretty good clip.
“Well, now that you’re here, we need to talk,” my aunt went on. “Your mother is not getting any younger.” I didn’t say anything so she said, “Did you hear me?”
“Nobody’s getting any younger. You’re two years older than she is, and you seem pretty much unchanged.”
“None of your smart mouth, Elizabeth Marie, your mother needs you. She’s going crazy.”
I closed my eyes. “No, she is not.”
“She has over six hundred bears in that house. You think a sane woman collects six hundred bears?”
I refused to look at her. Even in the darkness, I was pretty sure her eyes would be glittering.
“She’s got those bears because you’re not here,” Aunt ML went on. “She’s got those bears because you’re neglecting her. Living alone like that–”
“I’m thirty-three,” I said. “I wouldn’t be living with her if I was back in Birney.”
“Those bears are your fault!” my aunt snapped, and then Molly came out of the house, banging the screen door as she buttoned her jacket.
“I’m ready . . .” she said, her voice trailing off as she saw her mother had me cornered on the swing. “Oh.”
“You can wait a minute,” Aunt ML said, and turned back to me. “I wrote you that letter because you’ve been gone fifteen years, and I wanted you to know that leaving your mother alone to go crazy for all that time was not all right with me.”
I didn’t give a rat’s ass what was all right with her, but she had a point about neglecting my mother, which is why her damn letter worked. “I see her every Christmas.” I was going to add, I send her bears, but under the circumstances, I dropped that one.
“You make her travel to wherever you are,” Aunt ML snapped. “You take her away from family. You’re selfish, Elizabeth, that’s all there is to it. You’re just heartless and selfish and that’s why your mother is growing old alone with a lot of bears!”
Being called selfish by the most grasping bitch in my gene pool hit a nerve. “Well, here’s the thing,” I said, turning to face her. “I figure if I get her out of Birney for a couple of days every year, I’m doing good. And if those couple of days means she misses a holiday dinner with you bitching about how badly she does everything, well, extra points for me.”
“We should really go now,” Molly said.
“Because,” I said, “family that makes you think about killing yourself or them whenever you’re with them is not actually family, it’s just a constant biological mugging. So all this guilt you’re slinging at me? All this stuff that would have made me depressed and weak when I was in high school? It’s not working. Everything you say is about you, if you’re worried about my mother, it’s because something she’s doing is inconveniencing you, and I don’t care how inconvenienced you are, so I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. You cannot hurt me anymore. I’m immune. Go torture somebody else, I’m off your list.”
ML drew in her breath, and as God is my witness, her eyes really did glitter. “I should have known you’d still be worthless. You were a disgrace in high school and you’re a disgrace now.”
“Come on,” Molly said.
“Yeah, but I’m not making everybody I know miserable, so I’m a step ahead of you,” I said.
Molly reached across the swing, grabbed my hand, and yanked me out of the swing and down the steps. She ran toward the car and pulled me along, and I went, adrenalin making me fast and anger making me faster.
“You come back here!” my aunt yelled, and I heard the swing hit the side of the house with a thunk as she stood up.
“Can’t, we’re late,” Molly called back to her and the neighbors pulled their curtains back so they could watch as we piled into the car. If I had to pick one picture to represent Birney, Ohio, it would be my aunt ML standing on the porch vibrating with loathing for me while the neighbors twitched their curtains to see what all the yelling was about.
Yeah, I’m never coming back here.
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49 Comments to 'Revision: Liz Vs. ML'
On July 4, 2010 at 10:17 am Ingrid said...
Brilliant!
All the people that get mentioned are explained. How clever to be able to do that in one scene.
I’m having a bit of trouble imagining Helen Mirren with a bodacious rack, but that is neither here nor there.
On July 4, 2010 at 10:39 am Merry said...
Better. I like it muchly.
Can’t see ML as Helen Mirren; for some reason I’m picturing a falcon, or some other bird of prey, with a beehive hairdo. Methinks it’s all the glittering that her eyes are doing.
Um… I might trim the ‘immune to guilt’ paragraph a bit. Not sure why. (I’m good with the gut feeling, but not so much the analytical reasoning.) It reminds me of Keira Knightly in P&P telling her family to shut up and leave her alone; it’s something you really long to say, but it doesn’t seem to fit with the family dynamic.
I’m sorry you’re having to do all the heavy lifting re rewriting, but it is great fun to be able to watch the process. Thank you!
On July 4, 2010 at 3:14 pm Jenny said...
Rewriting is part of the process. It’s where the real work gets done.
And yeah, I’m very unsure about the last big speech because it is a speech. I pictured Liz just spitting it out, but I think it’s too much.
On July 5, 2010 at 7:49 am SnarkMaiden said...
It would work if AuntML was hissing and spitting and trying to get a word in and Liz just crescendoes over her?
On July 5, 2010 at 9:38 am Jenny said...
Hissing and spitting are signs of weakness. We need two equally strong-willed women meeting head-on here to make Liz’s victory at the end mean anything, and even more than that, to make the consequences of that victory more devastating for Liz. Your heroine pays for every scene she wins with deeper trouble.
On July 5, 2010 at 1:14 am Merry said...
I think my problem with the speech is that it goes on for longer than a breath. At least, when I spew something out like that, I don’t go on once I’ve run out of breath. The time it takes me to draw another breath, the gap there, makes me feel like I’ve lost momentum; I tend to run out of steam and dwindle into sullen muttering.
On July 5, 2010 at 9:40 am Jenny said...
Yep. I cut it by about half and it reads much better.
On July 4, 2010 at 11:29 am Chris said...
Okay-non-writer questions………Is it okay for Liz to talk to ML like that in front of Molly? Would Molly want to defend her because it is still her mom?
On July 4, 2010 at 3:18 pm Jenny said...
What’s “okay”?
That is, it’s a story with different kinds of people in it. If Molly is one kind of character, it’s not okay. If she’s another kind of character, it’s fine. Since Molly says that the only good thing her mother gave her is her boobs, I don’t think there’s a lot of love lost. In an earlier scene, she says the only reason she comes back to town is her dad, but you didn’t read that.
I do think the speech is too long, but I don’t think Liz’s general response is too out of line. i don’t like people who tell other people off, but I do want the three-beat here to be Liz trying to get away, Liz trying not respond when ML won’t let her escape, and Liz finally doing what she has to in order to stop the bitching. But I think the end is overkill. Worse, I don’t think Liz would talk that long so it’s a character violation.
On July 4, 2010 at 11:55 am el said...
Wow! That was punchy, in the best possible way, and I can’t wait to read the book. I have an Aunt ML, who goes by a nickname that has eclipsed her real name to the point that people are surprised when they hear the relatively unassuming real name. She is just like you described, and the cousin’s reaction feels right to me, because my cousins would always stand there hoping to blend in with the carpet whenever Aunt – we’ll call her “Sparky” it’s close enough – would start dressing somebody down. I always wished I could talk back to her like Liz did here, but my aunt always had a husband looming nearby (not always the same guy, but always big and mean) just waiting for a chance to defend her honor. On that note, I also had an uncle like Uncle Day, but he was not married to Aunt Sparky. (She would have eaten him alive).
On July 4, 2010 at 12:42 pm Sarah said...
I agree with Merry on the testifying. I cheered through every word–but what I think it does is get you lost in Liz’s head instead of keeping you grounded in the moment. Something else that does that a bit for me is that there’s not a lot of action–beyond the twitch Liz gets, her body isn’t really in the scene and the setting sort of disappears–like two characters under a spotlight on a stage. I think it depends on the reader getting into that head space, which might give her too much power in this instance. I also think Chris’ question about whether it’s okay for Liz to talk to Molly’s mother that way is a good one–the line I think is may be over the top is the “not making everybody miserable” line. No matter how true or richly deserved, once it’s out of your mouth, it’s the sort of thing that makes you wake up the next morning feeling shitty about–and maybe even have to drag yourself through an apology.
On July 4, 2010 at 3:22 pm Jenny said...
She moves. She has to go into the house, so she goes to her uncle Day, then to the bottom of the stairs, then finally out to the porch to get away.
Then she moves to the swing, swings faster, copes with the extra weight when ML sits down.
She should probably stand up at the end, for the last beat, the last physical act to get away. And I think she should walk away, not have Molly drag her off.
On July 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm kyrathered said...
me likey! Liz fighting back = my emotional investment in the character. Because she has righteous spine. The more she hands ML her ass on a plate, the more glee I felt reading it. How often do we ‘really’ get to tell mean people who are related to us what we actually think of them? So Liz’s rebellion is cathartic. I cannot be the only person on earth who has sat through a Christmas dinner, keeping my peace for the sake of harmony, while thinking, “Wouldn’t aunt Gail look good with this bowl of yams slapped down on her head”. Go Liz, it’s your birthday!
On July 4, 2010 at 2:33 pm marly said...
It’s wonderful. I don’t know – the “selfish” and “worthless” and “disgrace” would have a lot of people (including me) taking the gloves off. A thirty-three year old woman should not have to swallow insults no matter who is delivering them, including elders and relations. And Liz isn’t even a close second in the vicious remarks category. The surprising thing to me is that Molly (a best friend and cousin) doesn’t throw in a “That’s enough!” or, at least a “That’s unfair” when Liz is done. I’m guessing she has her reasons, but….still. This scene leaves no doubt why Liz left and why she stayed away. And the outrage I feel on her behalf is good, because I’m on her side completely. Through this one scene, I’m emotionally invested in the rest of the book. Books.
No problem with Helen Mirren and breasts. I can see Lorelei’s mother as ML, too, imperious and capable of cold, flaying conversation.
On July 4, 2010 at 3:24 pm Jenny said...
Who do you want Molly saying, “That’s enough!” or “That’s unfair!” to? ML or Liz.
Molly’s really not an interferer. Her solution is to run. I know we talked about Liz running, but Molly beats her in spades.
On July 4, 2010 at 5:28 pm marly said...
I was projecting again. I wanted Molly to say something along those lines to ML. I thought it was sad that even Liz’s best friend didnt’ stand up for her, but I realize now that just getting her out of range was good and maybe all Molly could manage. I was remembering Molly at the bar and she seemed so feisty.
On July 4, 2010 at 5:39 pm marly said...
didn’t!
On July 4, 2010 at 5:59 pm Jenny said...
Molly’s had thirty-three years with her mother who is a classic narcissist. You cannot win with those people because they’re dealing in an alternate reality that centers on them. The only thing you can do is escape.
On July 4, 2010 at 2:36 pm marly said...
Didn’t see Kyrathered’s post, so I echoed, and obviously agree. And oh yeah, Christmas dinners.
On July 4, 2010 at 3:09 pm kyrathered said...
always feel free to echo me. It makes me feel smart :0)
On July 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm El said...
Okay, I’m really confused now.
ML is waaaaaaay out of line. Molly and her father clearly know that if she gets ahold of Liz she’s going to be waaaaaaay out of line, and Molly tries to get Liz the hell out of there, but fails. Liz fights back.
A few comments lead me to think people think Liz should feel bad about this, although I may be misreading it. But why shouldn’t she say it in front of Molly? Molly’s an adult who clearly recognizes her mother is someone to get the hell away from before she gets a chance to open her mouth. I mean, Molly would *rather* not have been there, but what’s actually *wrong* about it?
Unless they think that ML is right, which I assumed not to be the case.
Ach!
On July 4, 2010 at 3:26 pm Jenny said...
Well, ML thinks she’s right. And nobody in the family ever fights back, they just escape in their own way.
It’s tough because I don’t want ML to be a cartoon, but her back is at the wall in this scene even though Liz doesn’t know it, so she’s pushing hard. I do have to find some way to humanize her, though.
On July 4, 2010 at 3:28 pm Jenny said...
Okay, so far I think have to do four things:
Shorten that speech.
Have Liz walk away on her own power. She’d want to get out, too.
Make ML less of a cartoon while still showing her at her limit.
Make sure it’s clear that this is ML in extremis, that Liz thinks, “Boy, she’s gotten a lot worse since I’ve been gone.”
On July 4, 2010 at 3:29 pm Jennifer said...
This scene is a lot more emotional and less humorous than the first one. I was definitely getting sappy tear-welling going with the Uncle Day bit, then the fury at the end. I was sorry to lose the very funny “‘How about never? Would never be OK with you?’ Oops, did I say that out loud?” bit (Sorry if I got the quote wrong, paraphrasing from memory here).
On July 4, 2010 at 3:31 pm Jenny said...
It’s a very old joke, and I thought it undercut the escalation since it came at the end.
On July 4, 2010 at 4:25 pm robena grant said...
Love it when you do the coloring in. I like it. A lot. I agree with shortening the speech a tad. But I kind of like Molly dragging Liz away, because that says a lot about Molly’s character and how she deals with her mother. Liz was probably ready to go into full battle mode, and that’s her character, I don’t think she would have walked away at that point. And Uncle Day, he just stays inside and turns up the TV. Ha ha.
On July 4, 2010 at 4:54 pm C. A. Bridges said...
It seemed to me that Liz was ready to stand there and go toe-to-toe with ML and Molly’s intervention was the only thing that prevented it. With that feeling in mind, I think the final speech could be shortened to become more of an escalation that gets cut short.
Damn, I can’t wait for another solo Crusie book.
On July 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm Kira said...
Also, too much with the bears. I felt that Aunt ML’s argument was much sharper and more believable in the previous draft, and Liz’s counterargument that it was the incovenience to herself made sense before, but not so much in this version.
The setup is better in this version, but the argument itself is somehow weaker, less snarky, and less poignant.
The line “how about never” is really strong even without the joke. I can see her burst out like that, and then it seems out of proportion to the listener, who didn’t hear all the internal monologue that preceeded it.
On July 4, 2010 at 5:59 pm Jenny said...
Nope, the bears stay. I think she needs more, though, so she’ll probably tell Liz her mother is drinking again.
On July 4, 2010 at 6:12 pm SS said...
I kind of missed the gear-shift in the first draft, where it stops being about Liz and starts being about her mom– it gave me the impression that there’s something deeper going on. There is some of that here, too, it’s just a lot more subtle. The characters themselves don’t recognize the depth of what’s going on, which is more in keeping with realistic characters, I guess. But it also leaves the reader guessing.
On the other hand, the Liz-ML conflict is a lot tighter in this scene. They’re clearly up against each other, and neither is backing down. Overall I agree with Kira that the setup is better but the arguments a little weaker.
A couple smaller comments that I wrote down while reading:
“’Come in here, Elizabeth,’ my aunt said, opening the screen door with no welcome in her voice at all, and I went in.” –Why go into a place where she’s clearly not welcome? Force of habit? Or (after reading the next several paragraphs) maybe bring Uncle Day up earlier as a reason for Liz to enter?
“then over his shoulder I saw Aunt ML staring daggers at him.” –Small thing, but my impression until this moment was that Aunt ML was behind Liz, not Uncle Day.
“Even in the darkness, I was pretty sure her eyes would be glittering.” –Darkness? Maybe it’s because I’m reading this in the summer, but for me right now, 6:30 is still light. (I think the scene was taking place at 6:30?)
Thanks for sharing, Jenny. It’s very interesting to see the changes this scene went through.
On July 4, 2010 at 6:16 pm Muria said...
It’s seeming too long to me. Does the part about Cash Porter even need to be in there? Since Aunt Marylou’s more interested in Liz’s mother and her bears, why would she spend so much time talking about Cash Porter’s wedding? I think you could leave the personal criticism to the hair, and leave out the hoodie and t-shirt comment and response as well, and still get the same basic mood (the hair remark sends Liz out onto the porch, annoyed at her aunt). Especially since Molly’s outfit sounds worse than Liz’s outfit (though admittedly, they’re going for Molly’s fitting). I think you could also really stop at Molly’s “We really should go now,” possibly changing it to, “C’mon, we’ll be late,” have Liz stalk out (instead of Molly pulling Liz away), and cut the next 5 paragraphs.
Of course, that gets rid of a lot of stuff. It looks ok when I put it in a separate doc with the changes, though. If my description doesn’t make sense, I saved the doc, and can send you a copy. I just don’t know if it still accomplishes exactly what you want to do.
On July 4, 2010 at 6:18 pm Muria said...
That would be “leave IN the personal criticism of her hair”. Wasn’t clear since I said “leave out the hoodie” part. That’s what happens when you go and look at something, then go back to your original comment. Something gets lost in translation.
On July 4, 2010 at 6:24 pm SusanK said...
The first thing that struck me is that the scene isn’t as funny as it was previously and that’s good – it’s something better than funny, it’s fierce. Liz is not who she was when she left. She used to run, but now, when cornered, she’ll fight. I noticed Molly had to drag her from the scene of battle. And her aunt has no power over her – she can’t make her stay. As a reader, I’m cheering Liz on!
Didn’t know if you wanted the ‘beta’ questions, but did them anyway:
Who is the protagonist: Liz
What is her goal: Go out with Molly and avoid her aunt
Who is the antagonist: ML
What is her goal: She wants to punish her niece (for leaving?) And she has a hidden agenda to do with her sister.
What expectations does the scene create:
Liz has changed – I’m expecting all sorts of ructions as people who thought they could treat her a certain way and get away with it, now meet some resistance.
I expect that ML has a hidden agenda to do with her sister and keeping Liz there, that will be revealed later.
Cash dumped her many times in high school but that also meant they got back together multiple times – I’m wondering if he is still going to want her when he hears she is back in town.
What must be kept in the scene:
Uncle Day is adorable, weak but adorable – have to keep him. His glasses fogging with delight is worth plagiarizing!
The interaction between ML and Liz is wonderful and sharp – it feels as if it has come into focus. They now seem to be equal protagonists and antagonists.
What needs work:
Don’t know how you ended the last scene, but we don’t see why she is turning up at Molly’s earlier than expected.
There has to be something good about ML? So she doesn’t become a caricature (it doesn’t have to be handled here).
In the the last speech would drop ‘You cannot hurt me anymore… etc’ Her actions make that clear, but that could also be something she realises internally. She fought off the Gorgon, a teen years nemesis and she did brilliantly. She realises this woman doesn’t have the same power over her.
Liz’s emotional arc in the scene – I’m not that clear on how she is feeling at the beginning. She goes from what to anger? How does she feel seeing her aunt after so long. She clearly doesn’t want to engage with her. And at the end is she only angry? If what she just did with her aunt represented some kind of turning point in her life, I expect more than anger. Giddy delight? It could contribute to her reckless behaviour with Vince later. Sometimes we’re struck by how far we’ve come since 18, and it can be exhilarating! She might have thought during all of her years away, that she was a different person, but she just proved it to herself.
Really enjoyed this scene and am so looking forward to the book.
On July 4, 2010 at 6:52 pm Mary Stella said...
Like this much more. Where before I thought ML owned the scene, you’ve given it back to Liz with this scene. You’ve also warmed Liz considerably with the addition of Uncle Day.
One point that I didn’t catch before but which hits me now is the porch swing. Aunt ML and Liz are already trading barbs before they get to the porch. While I can see Liz embracing the casual and swinging herself, I don’t see Aunt ML sitting next to her. It takes away her physical dominance. Now that Liz is sitting, ML has the superior standing position. Plus, she cannot deliver her message as strongly or effectively if she’s sitting side by side with Liz. That’s too companionable a position.
If you’re worried about the long speech (which I think is brilliant), what if you have Liz launch up off of that porch swing to deliver her last couple of sentences. Then she and ML are literally as well as figuratively facing off which further escalates the tension.
I can see Molly reaching in to pull Liz away because, at that point she feels like she has to break them apart before it gets any worse.
On July 4, 2010 at 7:08 pm Reb said...
I like it! Much more effective emotionally, esp Uncle Day and Molly. I totally buy Molly just wanting to get Liz out of there.
I like Liz’ defence of her mother too.
I’d knock Liz’ speech right back too – a lot of it is padding and I don’t think Liz would pad. I reckon this is enough:
“family that makes you think about killing yourself or them whenever you’re with them is not actually family, it’s just a constant biological mugging. I bet my mother’s inconveniencing you, and I don’t care how inconvenienced you are, so I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. Go torture somebody else.”
I like SusanK’s point about giddy delight afterwards, though it might take a few minutes to hit.
On July 4, 2010 at 7:08 pm Ami said...
So far Liz strikes me as kind of a smart ass, plus she knows her aunt is using emotions to gain power. That being said, I love everything but the speech. I see Liz getting more to the point–Your guilt doesn’t work anymore, Aunt ML. I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think about me–the other stuff reads a little self-righteous to me. But then I own books with your name on them, and not vice-versa.
On July 4, 2010 at 7:20 pm Emily said...
I loved the bears – they make it clear that there’s still a point of contact between Liz and her mother and that there seems to be a connection there that the ML part of Birney doesn’t get. Liz and her mother are just plain insane by ML standards. I loved uncle Day – that part of the scene gives me a hint of why it might be a bit more difficult to get out of Birney, because it ain’t ALL bad and there are people she cares about. The new scene makes it clearer that Liz has ties that she can’t walk away from so easily; I didn’t get that sense before. I liked the Cash bit, and ML’s perspective on it – if that’s how the rest of the town sees it I get why Liz wanted to get the heck out of there. In my mind it also suggests that there are tensions ahead, if the gossip is that Liz is back to try and get back Cash. I liked the bit in Liz’s response about getting her mother away from ML for Christmas, and I liked the bit about how it’s inconveniencing ML and Liz doesn’t care. But personally, I think that’s enough of a shot to show that she’s got backbone and she’s had enough, and the rest starts to weaken the scene.
I’m really looking forward to seeing more of it (hint hint?)
On July 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm Thea said...
Didn’t you just torque the heck out of that scene. Love how it works now, feels emotionally authentic. Don’t know about The Speech cutting, though — in my experience, once a jag starts everything tumbles out. For all of us with our own MLs, I want Liz the surrogate to rant on. Lotta bears, but it *is* supposed to be obsession. Gee, this is fun. Thank you.
On July 4, 2010 at 9:28 pm GatorPerson said...
I wanna be like Liz when I grow up. That’s a fiercly nimble wicked tongue she has. I imagine Joan Crawford as ML.
On July 4, 2010 at 9:39 pm Micki said...
(-: Really beyond my critiquing powers, but I love the addition of Uncle Day — gives her a reason to go back to ML’s house. I’m not so happy about the handling of the bears, either. What’s up with ML and her bear hatred? Was she scared of dolls as a child? Or does she think they harbor mites? Or is it just that her sister has them, it’s embarrassing, and she wants them gone? I think they need a little finessing.
All in all, a powerful re-write and it zings along much faster.
On July 4, 2010 at 10:34 pm Clever Cherry aka Judy Long said...
I personally think the rewrite is great. IMO it is perfectly appropriate for Liz to first want to not engage and then defend herself by speaking truths her Aunt doesn’t want to hear when she is pushed to a point of having to engage. Last write she was too passive. This rewrite she is assertive. That’s better.
The Cash Porter part is annoying but I think it has to be there to illustrate that her Aunt is one of those unreasonable people who sees what she wants to see.
The paragraph starting “Because…” might be too long but I wouldn’t want to have to pick what to take out.
I thought in the circumstances Molly’s actions were perfectly understandable. I thought she was pulling Liz out because she knew her mother was about to be vicious.
Overall I definitely wouldn’t cut too much of it.
On July 4, 2010 at 11:58 pm Muria said...
I am wondering a little about the bears though. Are the bears like Min’s snowglobes (“don’t ever collect something. People won’t let you stop”)? Or does Liz’s mother still want bears?
Does Marylou have to be at extremis? Can’t she just be a bit too observant, and worried about Liz’s mom, and blaming Liz without being a total bitch? I understand that sometimes, books need those kinds of characters, but couldn’t Marylou be trying to be helpful (the hair comment and trying to get Liz to be around more for her mother) without being so catty (Cash dumping her in high school, the worthless comment, etc.)? Could Marylou mention that people are talking about Liz coming back to get Cash back without insinuating that Marylou herself believes that’s the reason Liz came back? It would make her a somewhat sympathetic character (instead of pure evil), while still possibly being someone Liz doesn’t want to be around for long periods of time (too observant and a little too naggy and concerned about what everyone in Birney is gossiping about).
On July 5, 2010 at 9:44 am Jenny said...
Her mom is still collecting bears, but that’s part of the arc, too. ML has troubles and that’s why she’s guilted Liz into coming home. Like Liz, she assumes nothing’s changed in fifteen years, so when Liz doesn’t knuckle under during the scene the way she would have in high school, ML pulls out the stops.
On July 5, 2010 at 3:54 am Caroline said...
I enjoyed the rewrite, and adding the uncle works very well. I know the speech is long, but it’s the fantasy speech that we would all love to deliver to someone like that – and we all know or are related to someone like that. And this is a novel, where we are anyway required to suspend disbelief… I can live with the slight artificiality of the speech. I loved it. I think Helen Mirren would play the aunt brilliantly in the film version: she does good termagant, and she certainly has amazing boobs.
The only thing which jarred for me, as for one of the earlier commenters, is when ML sits down on the swing. This seees to me to be quite contrary to the dynamic of the argument. ML is on her feet berating Liz, who is sitting down. This puts her in a dominant physical position, all the better for hectoring Liz, trapped below her on the swing. If ML plonks herself BESIDE Liz on the swing, she not only does she immediately lose this dominance, but she also puts herself in a physical position in which it is quite difficult to conduct an argument of this nature. You can’t confront someone aggressively when you’re sitting next to them. So ML sitting down like that in the middle of a very unpleasant argument is not really in accordance with basic human psychology and the ways in which we unconsciously use body language.
I’ve only just found this blog, and look forward to reading more of it. Since reading ‘Crazy For You’, I have become a huge fan of your books, and getting an insight into the creative process is fascinating.
On July 5, 2010 at 9:40 am Jenny said...
I’m going to have to look at the swing bit again. It really depends on where ML’s head is. I wanted it to be her way of giving advice, sit down next to the kid and tell her what to do. But she’s not coming across that way in the scene at all, she’s coming across as giving orders instead. So I either have to change her approach which would help to escalate the tension, or as you all have said, I have to get her butt off that swing.
On July 6, 2010 at 12:05 pm Bonnie C said...
I like ML sitting on the swing and crowding Liz’s space. Maybe she could bring the swing to an abrupt stop and Liz can hop up and start pacing? But I really like ML’s relentless pursuit of Liz physically in the scene. Makes absolute sense for me that she would get on the swing, too.
I love this incarnation. So strong. I don’t think the speech bit is too long because at one point or another we all have that fantasy about telling someone off and I think it shows really well that Liz is not the same girl who left Birney. Also, I agree with those who think there should be some recognition from Liz of that fact, either before she launches into it or immediately after.
On July 5, 2010 at 8:19 pm Katie Redhead said...
Love what you did for the re-write.
One annoying comment, because I’m too much of my mother’s child to ever completely mind my own business:
“If I had to pick one picture to represent Birney, Ohio, it would be my aunt ML standing on the porch vibrating with loathing for me while the neighbors twitched their curtains to see what all the yelling was about.”
I’m not a writer – so maybe you feel strongly about leaving this in thematically – but as a reader, I feel like I’m being hit over the head with this sentence. The scene crackles and it is so representative of the issues that Liz has with her aunt, her having this thought in this way just sort of sounds strange to me.
I think it’s the “If I had to pick one picture” thing that’s throwing me a little bit. It sounds like trying to stop and tell me what’s important when a whole scene was just spent showing me.
If I was Liz, I think my thoughts here would be more about my bitch of an aunt than about the town. The scene is not really the about the town – it’s about her upsetting interaction with her evil aunt, so I would think she’s be fuming about that. (unless maybe the neighbors become more and more nosy as they fight so that she’s noticing the neighbors noticing & judging – adding to her overall frustration and her frustration with Birney in addition to her aunt as the scene builds?)
Uncle Day is a great add to the scene…although I do wonder how he ended up with such a raging wench!… but I expect you’ll fill that in for me in the other scenes.
Hopefully this is a helpful thought – if not, feel free to disregard. I don’t know much about the craft of writing except that I always love reading your books.
Add me to the group who can’t wait for the Liz books!
On July 5, 2010 at 9:18 pm Jenny said...
It’s a good point. It’s Liz editorializing as she tells the story, and I’m still unsure about those narrator intrusions. The only fiction I’ve ever written in first person before was short stories, so I’m in new territory here. I do think it should be something she was thinking in the now of the story, so maybe it’s the introductory clause, maybe it should be just “and I thought.” It’s a good thing to look at again.
On July 7, 2010 at 2:11 pm Janice said...
Haven’t weighed in yet, as just discovered this yesterday.
Really great beginning, and REALLY great rewrite!!
Since so many thought ML could be the Protag, I’m happy to see the addition of Uncle Day so that Liz has been made the character that readers would sympathesize with, etc. and then see ML as the “villain” here.
As far as the swing, it would depend on the character–and this far in the beginning, I think you’re still defining her. On the one hand, she is the aggressor so sitting down makes her lose that “standing over someone” advantage. However, I think I’m sensing that her agenda is more to MAKE Liz do what SHE wants, and to bring her to task and to make Liz her captive audience and put her down. So sitting down on that swing next to her is the societal/social demand that Liz stop swinging and talk with ML. It’s her next step in making Liz look wrong and like the black sheep, and making her do what ML wants her to do.
Reading it over again, we’ve all come to see ML as a bitch, but I’m wondering if she should be seen to put Liz down just a little more, to be more unreasonable, to be more cruel, so that it’s more clear that ML is in the wrong and clearly a creep. So that Liz is more justified in her response.
I also think that part of ML’s goal is to put Liz down, not just to keep her in town or to make her take care of her mother. And she may be trying reassert herself over Liz after the lapse of time away.
Thought the words “sat down beside me” needed something more to give better “picture” of the scene.
Also where Molly joins them at the swing, I wanted to know where she was in the scene, in relation to Liz & ML, especially when she pulls Liz away after listening to the two. (Where Molly says, “Come on.”)
I did wonder about the 600 bears. *Would* this be cause for concern?
Wonderful scene. Loved Uncle Day & the glasses; where description of the standard ML move; and where Liz stands up to ML at the end.