The Tao of Bob
Jan302010
Occasionally over the past six months, as Lani and I have discussed the world over tea, I’ve found myself quoting Bob Mayer. We collaborated for five years, it’s not unusual that I’d repeat something he’d said, but it turns out, Bob is deep. I mean, who knew?
Here are some teachings from The Tao of Bob.
The Seven Things Theory:
Catastrophes never happen because one thing goes wrong. Seven things have to go pear-shaped before the disaster occurs. Bob says this can be documented, although since we rarely demanded documentation in our conversations, I never got the examples, but I love the theory anyway. Some day I’m going to write a book in which the heroine makes a foolproof plan, and the hero tells her about the Seven Things Theory, and then as the book progresses, one thing goes wrong, and then a second . . .
Aim High and Shoot Yourself in the Foot:
Bob’s a big fan of reality. As in, “That would never happen so don’t expect it to.” We argued about this a lot since I am not a fan of reality, but he was usually right. Best example: He showed me a personal ad once (he liked to read the local personal ads when we were stuck in airports) in which a guy advertised for a woman who would would do a wide array of things that make a lot of women go “Ew.” The last line was, “No smokers.” “Somewhere,” Bob said, “is a woman who will do all these things.” “Really?” I said. “But she smokes,” he said. A firm grip on reality gets you a firm grip on other things. Not that I would know.
Your Therapist Knows:
After your first session with a therapist, if you’ve been honest with him or her, the therapist knows exactly what’s wrong with you. But she can’t tell you because you have to find your way there yourself, you’ll reject the information if she just gives it to you. So she has to sit there for two years while you work your way to the truth. About two years into my latest therapy (I’ve had seven therapists, Snow White and the Seven Jungians), I told my therapist this theory. She sat there, nodding supportively, her face as serene and lovely as ever, and then she burst out laughing. “So it’s true,” I said. “Oh, yeah,” she said.
The Schizophrenia of the Published Writer:
This is from Enneagrams or something, one of those systems where you find out what kind of person you are and end up with four categories and four letters. Evidently the categories are listed in two columns opposing each other. Bob says there’s a category called Author and a category called Promoter and they’re directly opposite each other which explains why published authors go crazy. I picture it as an angel author on one shoulder saying, “But I must give all my energy to my book!” and a devil marketer on the other shoulder saying, “Go out and sell that puppy or we’ll starve!” but I like the simplicity of the idea that you must be two completely opposite personalities in order to make it as a published writer. Also it explains all those arguments I have with myself.
The Hardest Thing To Do:
The hardest thing to do, according to Bob, is to wait. To wait for the right time, to wait for the danger to pass, to wait to make the deal. I’d rush around before an interview, before a signing, before a negotiation, freaking, pushing things, trying to make things happen, and Bob would sit quietly among my noise and my haste and wait for the right time. It was annoying as all hell, but he was right. So now, when I feel the panic setting in, I take a deep breath and think, Wait. And then I break and rush around again, but I do get that two or three minutes of Zen before I come unglued.
Gravity Always Wins
Well, he jumped out of planes, he’d know. I’ve used it several times when Light has dropped something, but I like it best as a metaphor. The farther you rise above reality, the more you have to remember that there are natural laws at work: sooner or later, you’re going to meet the earth again. This hasn’t prevented me from crashing, but it has cut out that annoying “How could this have happened?” stage. It happened because gravity always wins.
There are dozens of these. The guy could write a book. Well, another book. The Tao of Bob.
Embrace gravity and wait, grasshopper.
No smokers.
Addendum:
We were talking about this post at dinner and Lani reminded me of her favorite Bob-ism, which I will call
The Fallacy of Previous Success:
Bob and I were somewhere once and saw some guy hitting on a woman and doing it so badly that I was dumbfounded. “Why would he do that?” I asked Bob. “Because it worked once,” he said. This guy got laid once using this tactic, and now he’s using it over and over again, to certain disaster because, Hey, it worked once. Which is why now, whenever Lani and I see somebody doing some inexplicably dumb, we look at each other and Lani says, “Hey, it worked once.”
Filed in Deep Thoughts, People
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105 Comments to 'The Tao of Bob'
On January 30, 2010 at 4:48 pm colognegrrl said...
Geez, just as I read the first paragraph I thought: “I could make a story out of this… seven things theory, great.” And then you said you’re contemplating the same thing. Should we see who is first? Or do you think the world is big enough for the two of us? I’d write it in German, anyway. Thing is, your books are published in German, too.
On January 30, 2010 at 4:58 pm Jenny said...
It’s all yours, CG. I know what my next six books will be and none of them are Seven Things. Besides, our books would be completely different, it’s the execution that makes the book, not the idea, which is probably one of the reasons why ideas can’t be copyrighted.
On January 30, 2010 at 7:23 pm colognegrrl said...
Guess what. I just got word from my editor and they told me the title of my next book needs to be changed (ever heard of something like that???) so before I figure out a plot about seven things, I have to invent a replacement for what I thought was the perfect thing. Hm.
On January 31, 2010 at 2:18 pm r. said...
Let us know if we can help with the title. I’ve got a group of 3 brain-storming guys and that’s what we do. In the spirit of competition, we’d no doubt have sides bets going, but we’d still give you our best. To tell the truth, it was a let-down after Ms. Crusie made her final selection.
On February 1, 2010 at 6:54 am colognegrrl said...
Do you do these things in German too?
The original title was “10,000 items” referring to the theory that every person owns an average of 10,000 different things. The story is about a middle-aged widowed woman who is stuck in her too-settled life with her too many things. After she gets challenged by various events to get rid of stuff in order to make a fresh start, there is a lot of positive change in her life (including a new relationship, of course, this being a romance novel). So there. And please note that there’s no really good word for junk sale in German.
On February 1, 2010 at 11:51 am r. said...
OK, that sounds great – and challenging. We’re going to get on to this today. Oh, and thanks. I’ll get back to you here.
On February 1, 2010 at 12:02 pm r. said...
I forgot to ask. What’s her name? And no – not much in German other than Herrentoilette.
On February 1, 2010 at 2:20 pm colognegrrl said...
Her name’s Mia. And there’s no men’s room playing any kind of role in there, sorry.
On February 1, 2010 at 2:25 pm marly said...
Hi CG – R. and group (grown to 6) worked on some possibilities for you over lunch. They weren’t sure if they were on the right track or if anything would translate well but here goes:
Open House
Past Imperfect
Out From Under
The View From Underneath
The Weight of Comfort
One To Grow On
Adding To The Air
Choice Cuts
Seeing Light (as at the end of the tunnel)
Finding Gold
Please forgive me (actually a guy named Shorn) who thought there might be a statue among the lady’s cleared away items:
Missing The Bust
Really, I apologize, but he insisted I leave it on the list. Oh, and just tell them if they’re heading in the wrong direction and they’ll adjust the course.
On February 1, 2010 at 3:30 pm colognegrrl said...
This is fun, thinking that there is a bunch of people way across the ocean spending their lunchtime with that. What do you guys do other than that?
I’ll talk to my editor about the “Open House” idea because we have the same term in German. And sorry, Shorn, there’s no statue of any kind. If you have any suggestion concerning a man’s sponge bag, that might hit closer to home (too bad that “The douchebag’s sponge bag” doesn’t translate well…)
Jenny, I hope you don’t mind your blog being used for this kind of transaction.
On February 1, 2010 at 10:55 pm r. said...
We couldn’t begin to top the sponge bag line – that was really funny. We brainstorm for a living – we’re working on leisure products now. (Marly calls them “man toys”.) A change of pace, like the titles, seems to be good for us. Thanks for letting us in on the process.
On February 2, 2010 at 9:19 am colognegrrl said...
Thanks anyway for your input! Sounds good, brainstorming together. Working as a freelance PR copywriter for a living, I only ever brainstorm by myself. And please tell Shorn if he ever finds somebody interested in the statue thing, “Busted” might be a good title too.
By the way: the new title will probably be something in the way of “Decluttered a house – found love in the process” – of course it sounds a little different in German.
On February 2, 2010 at 12:15 pm r. said...
That sounds good – the house part wasn’t too hard, but nobody could figure out how to work in the love interest. Whatever the title, I’m sure it will be a hit.
On February 2, 2010 at 3:24 pm colognegrrl said...
Let’s hope it is. Because similar to what Jenny mentioned in a comment for the next post, I still owe my publisher part of the advance for the former books. Good thing my contract says I don’t have to pay it back.
But this is a new attempt towards fame.
On February 28, 2010 at 10:43 am Sylvia said...
Die Sammlung ?
On January 30, 2010 at 5:21 pm Sara said...
*I* keep thinking what a great story it would be to tell the story of two young women called Sweetness and Light (because they don’t remember their birth names?), and the awesomely wonderful crazy writer ladies that raised them.
On January 30, 2010 at 7:48 pm Jenny said...
We’re going to let Sweetness write that one. She’s already hard at work on her next book which is a list of ways to sneak out of the house avoiding her mother, FAJ, and the five dogs, so she can date boys. It’s going to be tricky because we’re putting lasers on the stairs, but she has big plans.
On January 30, 2010 at 5:25 pm Susan D said...
Gravity always wins…. Of course. It’s so obvious, and yet I had to hear it from Bob, via Jenny, to accept it as a truth, right up there with the fact that two and two make four, and neither five nor three.
This morning I knocked over two 1920s tea cups given me by my grandmother ca. 1972. (You’d love them, Jenny.) Not surprisingly, gravity won. My heart was in suspended animation waiting that long long moment for them to hit the floor. To my astonishment, neither was so much as chipped or even cracked. Both still ring true.
So though gravity always wins, sometimes it is kind and gracious in its victory.
On February 2, 2010 at 1:00 am Micki said...
Hooray! I love a kind and gracious law of nature! (-: All these are great . . . .
On January 30, 2010 at 5:58 pm robena grant said...
I loved this.
The Tao of Bob. Ha ha.
I remember the seven things came up in the old Crusie/Mayer workshop. Wasn’t it around taking a flight somewhere? I recall Bob doing his theorizing on the probability of crashing, or something like that. Maybe I just made that up? Hmmm? Anyway, he’s going to do our annual workshop in L.A. this spring. It will be good to hear his voice again.
Aaaaand, guess what? I just picked up The Cinderella Deal at B&N today. I’m reading it tonight. I love the cheerful cover and the intelligent eyes on the dog. And that shoe, I used to wear shoes like that. Now I live in Sketchers and sneakers.
On January 30, 2010 at 6:12 pm Jennifer said...
A few weeks ago, I wandered over to Bob’s site to see what he had up about Wild Ride. He has up the first chapter, which I read- it’s fabulous, and I can’t wait to read the rest! BTW, when I pre-ordered Wild Ride, I noticed that your biography on Amazon still has your work-in-progress titled Always Kiss Me Goodnight, which you might want to change.
While I was on Bob’s site, I read the first chapter of a book he’s re-releasing in e-book format, “Black Ops: The Gate.” I never knew I liked military suspense, but it turns out, I do.
I’ve since read “The Line,” and “The Omega Missile.” There are a lot of pretty deep philosophical themes floating around in these, about everything from the consequences of failing to question the status quo to the insanity of nuclear proliferation. Definitely not from a shallow mind.
OMG! Remember your Sweetness and Light story of the other day, with the mouse? I have been unable to type even five words at a shot here without somebody tugging on me or shouting for me, and now they’ve got every singing, dancing, mechanical animal in the house (what was I thinking, letting my daughter collect those things?) playing at the same time. So, sorry if this has been disjointed. But if I can’t beat them, I’d best join them, so I’m off to go dance to a mechanical mexican santa singing Feliz Navidad.
On January 30, 2010 at 7:49 pm Jenny said...
Thank you for the kind words about Wild Ride. Tell everybody. ARGH.
On January 30, 2010 at 11:09 pm marly said...
Why the ARGH? Wild Ride IS great. R. and I are dialog freaks, hence the hours lost re-playing every line of In Plain Sight and others, and falling off the couch laughing. Wild Ride is great. And all through dinner, R. tried to figure out what was on the list that ended with “No Smoking”. Thanks, Bob
On January 30, 2010 at 11:36 pm Jenny said...
The ARGH was because we’re moving into selling-the-book territory which I don’t like. I like to think of Argh as a no-shill zone. But every now and then a book comes out with my name on it and I have to mention it and it makes me sort of uncomfortable. You guys know it’s out there, we’ve been talking about writing it, and that’s enough. So the ARGH was for “Tell everybody” because I don’t like saying it.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:10 am r. said...
OK, I get that. I’d probably feel the same way if I were a writer. Which I’m not. I went to a friend’s art showing once. He was nervous and when someone asked if the artist was there, my friend pointed to me and said, “that’s him” and walked away. Dude! Lucky for him, I’m fast on my feet. I think I actually sold a couple. It’s true about Wild Ride, everybody. It is really good. Somedays, you just need something that makes you laugh. Like that list thing. We had a great time with that tonight. You should have seen Marly’s face when the waiter overheard the part about the goat. So yeah, thanks Bob!
On January 31, 2010 at 1:09 am Jennifer said...
It wasn’t as if I wasn’t going to tell everybody anyway. I was just talking about it over tea with my friends today. Besides, it makes me look good, too, you know, when I can recommend great books.
On January 31, 2010 at 1:26 pm Jackie said...
It’s time to say thank you Jennifer, because she and Bob just did it for you. We will try to casually mention your books that are out in the near future so you don’t have to. Feel better? Just occaissionally of course because we wouldn’t want to be crass either, but we will. This way you can stick to writing.
On February 1, 2010 at 12:20 pm Meredith B. said...
This is the true reason that booksellers exist: because authors write wonderful books and then freeze when it comes to selling them. I can understand that, I really can. But booksellers just live to Sell The Book. Nothing makes us happier. So you just tell us where the promotional stuff is, and we’ll tell the whole world for you.
On January 30, 2010 at 6:40 pm francois said...
Course, if therapists told you what was wrong with you in the first session then they wouldn’t make any money. Thats the more likely reason in my book. But then I’m incurably cynical.
On February 2, 2010 at 1:07 am Micki said...
(-: If the therapist was just in it to make money, s/he could string you out for years/truly mess up your crap so you never got out. Whereas, I’ve experienced the “let them find it out for themselves” thing. “Micki, you don’t take criticism well.” “Shut up!! What do you know, anyway? (push the most obvious button I can).” Then I storm out, and think about it for several days, and maybe admit to this glaring deficit. It’s probably easier on both parties to nudge the client to the obvious. Probably takes the same amount of time, either way . . . .
On January 30, 2010 at 7:08 pm Judy Long said...
I can buy it all except that your therapist knows. I have 1000 hours of course work in alternative healing. All those inscrutable looking teachers acting as if they knew something about me that I didn’t know(& I do mean inscrutable, I’m not trying to imply that they were Asian. They weren’t.) You know what, that’s crap. They didn’t know anything about me I didn’t know. Francois theory is much more plausable.
If I have taken the time, energy & money to go to a therapist I’m ready to hear what is wrong with me & if you are a caring therapist & you know something real & useful, you will tell me or else what kind of person are you? Not a nice one certainly.
On February 2, 2010 at 1:13 am Micki said...
I have to think, if you know anyway, and are ready to work on it, why do you need to go to the therapist? My theory is that you may know anyway (but I dunno, sometimes I’m awfully clueless), but you need a nudge to move toward the solution. But an outright shove (“you’ve got father issues, you need to forgive him and move on”) is just opening up a can of worms, and doesn’t prepare you to do the work to deal with whatever crawls out. I think a good therapist might recognize the problem, then move the client to a place where s/he can effectively deal with the problem — and by the time you are prepared to deal with the problem, you probably have a pretty good idea about what the problem is.
(-: But then again, I don’t know much at all about therapy. I just generate theories about how the world *should* work (-:.
On January 30, 2010 at 8:00 pm Kathleen said...
I remember a post you wrote aaaaaages ago about the Poetry of Bob. Or something. It was a post of emails between you two and it was hilarious.
The Tao of Bob is more thought-provoking, but those emails were comedy gold.
On January 30, 2010 at 8:36 pm Louis said...
Can’t fight gravity.
Not without a parachute.
And that’s iffy.
On January 31, 2010 at 9:09 am Naked Under My Clothes said...
Jenny, can Louis write the foreword to the Tao of Bob?
On February 1, 2010 at 1:23 am Jenny said...
That would be up to Bob. But since it’s Louis . . .
On January 30, 2010 at 9:16 pm Molly said...
These are awesome — although I think *you* already knew about the fallacy of previous success, from the canine Bob (the dog in What the Lady Wants).
On January 30, 2010 at 10:40 pm Andrea in Minneapolis said...
Bob sounds like a bit of a ‘know it all’. I’m sure he has a theory about that.
On January 30, 2010 at 11:33 pm Jenny said...
Nope. Very laid back, very open-minded, silent most of the time, more of an action guy than a talking guy. Took me five years to gather one blog post.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:23 am Melissa Blue said...
I guess that answers my curious question. I wondered if he e-mailed you after you mentioned him here on Argh. In my imagination the e-mail would consist of “Read the blog.” *which of course would drive you nutty, becase it’s a three word e-mail.*
On January 31, 2010 at 12:29 am Melissa Blue said...
I should mention being unemployed leaves me a lot of free time to imagine these sort of things. Thank God I’ll be back at work soon.
On February 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm Meredith B. said...
Oh, hurray, Melissa! I’m so glad!
On February 1, 2010 at 8:29 pm marly said...
Me, too! Very happy to hear your good news – I hope you enjoy every day.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:52 am Jenny said...
What curious question? I missed a question?
On January 31, 2010 at 2:27 am Melissa Blue said...
Well I was thinking of the curious question, never said it. Sorry. Anyway, the curious question was: Does Bob talk to you (in private) about the blogs you write about him or when you mention something he has done or said. Since you describe him as more act than talk type of guy then he wouldn’t e-mail you about it. Nixing my curious question in the bud.
Yeah, too much free time.
On January 30, 2010 at 10:51 pm Dee said...
I love Bob. Bob is my soulmate. Don’t tell my husband.
On February 5, 2010 at 1:52 pm Joanna said...
Sam Vimes is my soul mate. Bob is my guru. Don’t tell my husband, and I won’t tell yours!
On January 30, 2010 at 11:40 pm Terrio said...
The older I get, the more I’m learning that gravity rule.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:01 am Carol Anne said...
Great laugh, I so needed a laugh tonight. Sweetness trying to sneak out to meet boys.
Bob – took two of his workshops and learned so much. Sat in on a panel discussion – he is deep. A couple of other panelists sounded like “gas bags” in comparison.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:52 am Jenny said...
Sweetness is ten, but she’s planning for the future.
On January 31, 2010 at 7:03 pm Carol Anne said...
Right, she was writing another book with ways to sneak out and date boys. Always good to have a plan at any age. Must be a very creative atmosphere, the writers residence. Lasers on the stairs, a very good plan.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:31 am CourtneyDe said...
I love the Tao of Bob! That said, completely off-topic: I just finished The Cinderella Deal-loved it, too! I just have one thing to say, although I feel like you maybe blogged about it before: whoever designed the cover must be shot. There is a dog in the book, I’ll give them that. Although he shows up halfway through, and in no way resembles the dog on the cover. And, if I really, really stretch it, I get that the shoe is supposed to symbolize the Cinderella part of the title, but other than that, it’s got nothing to do with the book. Makes me a little nutty. And it makes me want to redesign it altogether. If I ever see my spare time again, I’ll make it a project. End rant. I will find my inner Bob and be calm.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:53 am Jenny said...
Don’t get me started on that cover. They told me it was too late to change it, and it’s a reprint of an old Loveswept so it’s very low priority for them. Argh.
On February 1, 2010 at 12:33 am CatScott said...
That cover seems to fall under The Seventh Insight from The Dao of Bob -The Fallacy of Previous Success. Hey, it worked once.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:41 am Mary Stella said...
Jenny and Bob (if you’re reading), congratulations on the Top Pick 4 1/2 stars review in RT Magazine!
On January 31, 2010 at 12:54 am Jenny said...
Thank you! I was particularly happy that it was a romance review since that’s the place I figured we swerved and readers would fall off.
On January 31, 2010 at 1:14 am marly said...
We send our congratulations too. It’s a great review. Why couldn’t I explain it like that? I get it about the Schizophrenia. Honestly, I hadn’t thought past the “somebody wants to publish me” part. Since I’m still far away from that, I hadn’t even considered the possibly awkward “please buy my book part”. Definitely, scary ARGH territory. Hell, I was a rotten Girl Scout cookie seller, and I didn’t even bake those.
On January 31, 2010 at 2:09 am Eve said...
…Does Bob know he’s sexy? He’s got the shanachie thing happening for him.
On January 31, 2010 at 2:36 am Jenny said...
This is not something we’ve discussed.
And we’re never going to discuss it.
On January 31, 2010 at 3:50 am Reb said...
The title of your next book needs to be changed? Please tell me you don’t mean AKMG. Not again.
Hmmm. Was “Not Again” already on the rejected list?
On January 31, 2010 at 6:01 am Jenny said...
No, no, not my book. It’s still Maybe This Time. CG has the title change.
On January 31, 2010 at 7:48 am Nic said...
*counseling professional* If you are able to be honest with your therapist, most of the time, deep down inside, YOU really know what is wrong with you.
(though not always the case if the issue is a chemical imbalance or there is a very serious mental illness)
(Also, many people don’t really want to hear what is actually wrong with them and it makes them defensive and resistant if you tell them)
On January 31, 2010 at 10:24 am Lani said...
In defense of therapists, there’s never any lack of patients around. There is no shortage of nutcases in the world. If they could tell us what’s wrong and POW, we were healed, then their jobs would be a lot easier. They can’t tell us what’s wrong because at best we won’t understand, and at worst, we won’t believe them and then will become resistant to that reality once we finally get there. Besides, healing doesn’t come from the answer, it comes from the process of looking for the answer, and their job is to walk us through that.
My therapist tells me what’s wrong, which is why I love her, but I think she waits until I’m open to the possibility. It’s all about timing. I’m not saying there aren’t bad therapists out there, I’m just saying that I think this is legit.
On January 31, 2010 at 12:18 pm CatScott said...
I second this comment. After 3 years of therapy with an awesome therapist I’m stronger for having gone on the journey. There is no magic pill out there. If you have emotional baggage you have to do the work. A therapist is a tool toward achieving a goal.
It’s like working with emotional cancer. Sometimes the patient is in Stage I and it’s not as intensive. Then you get a Stage III. That ain’t going away over night just because you name it. It takes time, treatment and a healer. That’s just the way it goes.
On January 31, 2010 at 1:22 pm Jenny said...
That’s it exactly. After I told Leah what Bob had said and she laughed, I said, “So what’s wrong with me?” and after getting rid of the “wrong” part of the question–no wrong in personality disorder evidently–she told me, and a lot of things became crystal clear. And I thought, “Why the hell didn’t I ask her that the first day? I’d sat there for two years telling her everything without ever saying. “So what’s up with that?” because I wasn’t ready to hear it. You get pushed to the edge, you have to work up the courage to look over the edge. And that’s when she can say, “Okay, here’s what’s down there.” Otherwise, she’d just be shoving me toward the edge while I dug my heels in like Wiley Coyote.
On January 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm Judy Long said...
I feel like I need to clarify my original post where I commented about Bob’s notion about therapists because it sounded like I don’t like therapists and that’s not true. I had a great one who helped me a lot. She did tell me when she saw things I was doing or patterns I was following that were unhealthy for me and then we spent lots of time learning how to do things differently. What I don’t like is that superior type of therapist (and I went through several before I found the one I eventually worked well with) who think (or more often pretend) that they know what’s wrong with you in the first half hour but can’t tell you cause you need to come to it yourself. Nonsense. I’m in a therapy session cause I want to know what’s gumming up my works so I can snake it out. Also, am I the only one who sees the total arrogance of someone having that attitude – I know what’s wrong with you but I’m not going to tell you.
Still don’t know if I’ve communitcated it right, but I tried.
On February 1, 2010 at 1:26 am Jenny said...
Well, if you ASK they should tell you. But if you’re trying to find your way and they try to drag you to the answer, it’s not going to be as effective as it is if you get there on your own with some nudging. I don’t think it’s arrogance to let you find your way to the truth; in fact, I’d be more suspicious of somebody who says, “Here’s the problem, here’s the answer.” But really, it’s probably some of both. So we’re both right.
On January 31, 2010 at 11:09 am Eva said...
The seven things that go wrong before disaster–Malcolm Gladwell wrote about that in…OUTLIERs? Or was it BLINK? I think OUTLIERS.
He’s also right about the opposed personalities. I’m an INFJ-the Author. No where am I the extrovert who pimps.
…you know, and I know you’d never want to tell this to him, but he’s right about all of them.
Anywho, if you havn’t read the Gladwell books, do. To me, they are like being at a cocktail party with the most interesting person ever. But I like sociology stuff like that.
On January 31, 2010 at 11:52 am Sure thing said...
I’m with Bob and Lani.
As a counsellor/psychometrist – I’ve been trained not to create/foster dependency but also only counsel to the status/level of the client.
It’s a fine line we walk.
I was once pressed for an interim verbal feedback by a parent during scholastic testing for learning disability for his 7 yo son.
He did not like my feedback of what the first sessions of testing were showing. He described his professional status as a senior business administrator and how well his older (+18 and +/-20yo) sons were doing.
He did NOT get angry or belligerent or abusive, just quietly insistent and defensive. He never brought his son back. Regardless of repeated calls.
Because of this I am saddened know there is a child out there struggling through school with an undiagnosed problem.
I learned the hard way – NEVER, EVER give information they are not ready for.
Not even when counselling adults.
The term “Denial” has worked its way out of psychology into mainstream, everyday, parlance because it is a real problem and everybody can identify it.
On January 31, 2010 at 1:55 pm Diane (TT) said...
I, too, was able to get Cinderella Deal at the local Kroger (I was pleased because they took away the 3 books they had carried by you when they remodeled, AND there are no proper bookstores in this town). So much fun and some surprising stuff that I haven’t seen in your later work. But, yeah, the cover isn’t very representative. That’s OK, it has the author’s name on the cover, which is all I need to buy it!
On January 31, 2010 at 2:21 pm McB said...
So much of the Bob stuff is true! And see, he quietly thinks all this stuff out while everyone else is running around making noise. But yeah, gravity will always win. And too many people only consider how much fun the free fall experience is without considering how hard the ground is going to be. Of course, Louis summed it up perfectly.
I too believe that people mostly don’t want to know what’s wrong, they just want it to go away. Knew a woman once who went through many therapists. She liked the pouring her heart out part, but disliked any suggestion that she might have to do any changing so she never stuck it out. I hope she finally figured it out.
On February 1, 2010 at 7:21 am Ingrid said...
What you said about gravity and free fall reminded me of the story of the whale in The hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy. I always find it both funny and sad that gravity gets him just as he’s starting to investigate his surroundings and formulate a theory of the world.
On January 31, 2010 at 2:33 pm robena grant said...
I loved The Cinderella Deal. The cover wasn’t representative of Jupiter, but at least it was cheerful and it will catch the eye of shoppers in the bookstore. I’d just read a thriller for bookclub that left with me with a twitch. Last night I was able to get to sleep with nice thoughts in my head. The scene with Linc and his mom made me cry, but in a good way. : )
On January 31, 2010 at 9:22 pm Kate George said...
In our house Bob is the name given to all my imaginary boyfriends by my husband. For example; before I met the dh I was supposidly dating Bob Picasso, Pablo’s younger brother. There is also Bob Clause, Santa’s younger brother – you get the idea think of a famous guy and I’ve dated his younger brother Bob. Bob Van Gough, Bob DiVincci, Bob Cruise (I would have dated Tom but he wasn’t tall enough), Bob Clinton. My kids have a hayday with this, but I think my husband secretly believes I’m the undead and have dated all these men through the ages.
So now I’m wondering who Bob’s older brother is. (Just kidding Bob, I’m not a crazy stalker girl.) I do think Bob M is wonderful because he very simply said to look and see if my actions were lined up with my goals. And in the 30 days since then I’ve managed to finish my wip and get a lot of it revised. So hurray for Bob!
And thanks for the laugh. I live in the madhouse and laughs are always welcome!
On January 31, 2010 at 9:23 pm Kate George said...
Oh I forgot, R, you’ve got to come clean – we want to know what to do with a goat!
On January 31, 2010 at 10:04 pm r. said...
It really wasn’t that bad: “Must be open to a threesome with a shepherd. Prefer a girl who enjoys the scent of goat.” But I was saying while I was writing it down on a napkin, and the the waiter heard, and Marly got to laughing and couldn’t stop. It was just one of those evenings.
On January 31, 2010 at 10:22 pm Judy Long said...
I am harping on this I know but I still don’t feel I communicated myself about good therapists as well as I want to. I was going through a very contentious divorce (with someone whom I am now very good friends with.) I had written a letter in reply to a letter he had written me. I read it to the therapist and she said something like, “that’s a very angry letter.” I didn’t believe I was angry. I thought I was hurt. I told her that. We didn’t have words or shout or think of ending our therapy sessions, I just disagreed. Later I was telling my best friend, “she said I was angry.” My bf looked at me like, DUH. So I started thinking, am I angry? Is this an angry letter? Guess what? It was. I had a shitload of anger about a lot of things but I didn’t recognized anger in myself. By the next time I went to therapy I was able to admit to my therapist that she was correct and I was angry and we worked on my anger.
If she hadn’t told me I was angry, I don’t know how long it would have been before I recognized it. Because she did, many good things happened. Including a few weeks later I was sitting in a conference and someone was speaking. All I heard her say was, “All I know is, when I am not true to myself I get angry.” That so thoroughly resonated with me. Twenty years later I am still using that knowledge to help me be authentic.
On February 1, 2010 at 1:37 am Jenny said...
She didn’t tell you that you were angry. When you walked in the first day and sat down and told her about what was going on, she probably thought to herself, “This woman is angry.” (I’m projecting here because I’m pretty sure that’s what ALL of my therapists think.) But she didn’t say, “You’re hobbling yourself with anger.” She said, “Uh huh. Uh huh.” Then you brought in the letter and she didn’t say, “Boy, are you angry.” She said, “That’s an angry letter.” And then she let you think about it. If she says, “You’re angry,” she’s defining you. If she says, “That’s an angry letter,” she leaves it to you to figure it out with her help if you want it. It’s a lot easier to think about whether a letter was written in anger than it is to absorb that you have a lot of anger. So she talks about the letter, and you move from that on your own to yourself. She’s good.
So really, we’re saying the same thing. Kind of. We’re just describing it differently.
On February 1, 2010 at 2:59 am Judy Long said...
I get the distinction. Not only are you right, but if I say she told me I’m angry, I’m kind of negating the work it took on my part to find my anger from her comment about the letter.
Thanks for helping me clarify.
On February 1, 2010 at 10:04 am Naked Under My Clothes said...
It’s so reassuring to learn that I’m not the only one who has to have help figuring out what I’m feeling in a difficult situation.
I’ve been thinking about the poor guy in “It Worked Once.” Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so if he’d found something more successful, he’d probably be doing that other thing instead. But he’s not. Poor loser guy.
On February 1, 2010 at 10:27 am Kate George said...
Here’s the other thing I forgot. I’m abysmal at self promotion. That’s why I’ve sold all of about 6 books. Well maybe more than 6, but not a lot more. Every time I mention the damn thing I feel like a book whore. And that’s just to the handful of friends I have on facebook. I have NO IDEA how to get the word out.
I have resolved that during winter vacation I will visit every book store in Vermont just to tell them I am here. Hello, I’m a writer I live in Vermont. My books are mostly set in Vermont (except when they aren’t). Please sell my books.
I think I can get all of that out of my mouth before I throw up.
On February 1, 2010 at 10:42 am me said...
I love Bob.
Loved Cinderella Deal, too. Just finished it this weekend.
Great news about the review. But we knew it all along.
On February 1, 2010 at 11:13 am Tracey said...
Years and years ago, there was a US Senator from Oregon called Bob Packwood. Some of you might remember him. In addition to performing the duties his constituents elected him to do, he harassed women — all women, Senate staffers, lobbyists, women he met on the street, whatever. And he recorded these events in his diary. (Stick with me, this is relevant to the post). Eventually the worm turned and Bob got found out, including his diary, pages and pages of which were printed in the gossip column of the Washington Post. People read about the harassment and were appropriately appalled — but just as appalling were the women on whom it worked, who chose to enter into long-term relationships with the Senator, who were flattered when he expressed his attraction by chasing them around his desk. (Bob wrote about them too. In detail.) So he kept it up — because it worked once, at least — so he could fool himself into thinking that all the other women would be flattered and susceptible too. He eventually resigned his seat when the Senate Ethics Committee voted to expel him. I guess that whole “expel, as in we’re going to kick your butt out of here” thing finally got past the “it must be OK because it worked at least once” mental brick wall.
On February 1, 2010 at 11:05 pm El said...
Years ago, I worked in an association where the governmental affairs head, an attractive woman, had tons of photos of herself with various governmental types.
Including a photo with Bob Packwood, with a handwritten thing that said something like “I love your spark.”
Except that at first glance, the r in spark looked like an n…..
On February 1, 2010 at 12:00 pm Cary said...
Intermittent reward is a training principle. It’s why dogs beg at the table, men shake vending machines, and women reach to the back of the milk case. And men use really bad pickup lines over and over again. But the dog will figure it out eventually.
On February 1, 2010 at 12:49 pm Susanna Hugo said...
Bought the Cinderella Deal on my Kindle – on the one hand, I miss out on the cover art. On the other hand, I miss out on the cover art…
Loved it. Wasn’t sure I was going to get past Linc kicking her cat…but eventually I broke – especially when he threw the black dress out the window. That was beautiful!
On February 1, 2010 at 12:57 pm Magdalen said...
On the Therapist Knows rule: People have asked me why I don’t want to be a therapist. The helping people part would be nice, but the patience part would be hard. (Lots of waiting in that job!) But the thing that would drive me crazy would be the vehemence with which patients insist “This is my world,” all the while using one of those long pointers from 1960s classrooms and slapping it against a pull-down map with a huge black spot in the middle. “But can’t you see the black spot?” I’d want to ask even though I would know they couldn’t see it.
So I’m not a therapist. But as a patient, when another country gets colored in on *my* map and the black spot I can’t see shrinks a little, I’m just that little bit happier. And even if I asked my therapist what was missing from my map and she told me, I still wouldn’t be able to see those countries. Until they show up on the map that YOU can see, they simply don’t exist.
On February 1, 2010 at 1:17 pm Sure thing said...
Oh no!
He nudged it away. Using his foot. That’s all! 
On February 1, 2010 at 2:19 pm BCB said...
Loved the videos over at B&N, Jenny — you look great and sound happy, nice to hear your voice again [though if any of you don't want to hear spoilers for WILD RIDE, don't watch the second one!]. I always learn something when you talk about writing, even if you’re not “teaching.”
Back to enjoying my “snow day” and wandering around the internet…
On February 1, 2010 at 2:47 pm Kate George said...
BCB – how do I find the vids over at B&N? I can’t find them. (Not that this is surprising, if it was a snake…)
On February 1, 2010 at 3:01 pm BCB said...
Ooops, sorry. That wasn’t very nice of me, was it. I find so much stuff on Twitter and then assume everyone else knows about it too.
Here:
http://bit.ly/9kxj44
But really, BIG spoiler in the second one. It doesn’t bother me at all, but I know some people are picky about that.
On February 1, 2010 at 3:59 pm Judy Long said...
I followed the link and found the site but I could not find her interviews. What am I doing wrong?
On February 1, 2010 at 4:10 pm BCB said...
Oh hell. Ooops again. The comments go over onto a second page and since that’s the last page I read… sorry.
Here is the link to the first page, scroll down about halfway for the videos:
http://bit.ly/bYoSlp
It has been a very lazy day (for my brain as well, apparently).
On February 1, 2010 at 7:37 pm Jenny said...
I did a spoiler for Wild Ride? Rats. I apologize.
I did those so long ago–last summer?–that I don’t even know what I said.
On February 1, 2010 at 8:17 pm Jennifer said...
Fun interview. I stopped at the point where the Wild Ride spoilers start. The bit I saw was no more that what you had already mentioned here about the relationship between the main male and female characters. Don’t know if there was any more revealed after that. If not, someone please let me know, and I’ll watch the rest.
On February 1, 2010 at 8:20 pm Jennifer said...
Also, if that’s the only giveaway, it’s not huge, since that relationship is strongly implied as early as the first chapter (up on Bob’s site).
On February 2, 2010 at 5:09 am El said...
Just went and watched the videos, and only noticed the one spoiler.
On February 1, 2010 at 10:01 pm BCB said...
It’s possible you already mentioned it in a blog post and I missed it — it was something I had certainly inferred anyway (about the H/H relationship). And you said it in such an offhand manner, like the book had been out forever (or, in your case, maybe three weeks), at which point it could be expected everyone had already read it and knew this. Not a big deal.
On February 2, 2010 at 2:41 am Judy Long said...
BCB I found it. I watched all 3 segments cause spoilers for books don’t really bother me (movie spoilers do for some reason). I’m relatively new to the Crusie world so I haven’t seen or heard Jenny talk before. Thoroughly enjoyed that.
Having watched this and seen an interview with John Updike when he praises his publisher / editor, I feel sad. I think the world is changing and those nourishing relationships are fading away.
I’m glad that the people who experienced them have produced bodies of work that can sustain readers like me for years to come.
On February 1, 2010 at 4:52 pm Marta said...
Sixty Minutes had a piece on last night about a Green Beret team training Afghan military groups. My brain automatically labeled them as young Bobs. One GB in particular had a definite ‘Tao of Bob’ quality about him.
On February 1, 2010 at 6:42 pm Kira said...
I read the Cinderella Deal on Kindle too. It’s like chocolate.
Having read all the other books, I recognize aspects of Bet Me, and lots of Strange Bedfellows. But, that’s ok. It was delicious.
On February 1, 2010 at 9:19 pm Deb said...
I remember the Tao of the Hawaiian shirt and the Tao of the restaurant in Korea Bob mentioned way back when.
But the kicker has to be “We’re doomed”.
This post brought a good memory for me. I met both of you at the signing for “Don’t Look Down”, Milwaukee style. A very lovely evening. Thanks for that.
On February 3, 2010 at 11:54 am Hellie said...
I knew the Therapist theory (being I went to therapy for 2 years; and I always figured she knew what was wrong with me but would never just say)–actually once she did say. She said, “You need new friends who aren’t as neurotic. And friends who are actually friends.” And I immediately rejected the idea of dumping my friends. I did agree to expand my circle of friends though. It worked too. *LOL* So I imagine she just didn’t want to tell me what was really wrong with me, esp since I went all out rejecting the friends thing.
And I *so* know the fallacy of previous success theory. From personal experience AND from friends who complain about ex-boyfriends who keep hitting on them. I lump it with the “Men and women can’t be just friends because sex gets in the way”, which I also think is true. My friend thinks she can be friends with her ex-boyfriend and is always disturbed when he wants to be friends with benefits. Duh. Rat got the pellet at one time; he’s going to keep tapping the machine in hopes it dispenses another pellet. Helllooooo.
On February 5, 2010 at 8:33 pm BunnyQueen said...
I volunteer with a group that helps find homes for companion rabbits and I can totally relate to the “it worked once” thing. The number of times I have had to answer “why does my rabbit bite” with “because you occasionally give him what he wants after he bites you” is astonishing. Let’s see… I bite you; you give me a treat. It sounds good to me so let’s try it again.
On February 13, 2010 at 4:43 pm Eleanor said...
Does anyone else see a connection between “Hey, it worked once,” and Bob the dog in What the Lady Wants? He got steak off the counter once, and so he keeps banging his head . . . Just made me excited to see the connection.
Someone may have already mentioned this, but I’m at work while typing this so no time to read all the comments. Sorry if I’m repeating!