Jennifer Crusie's Blog: Argh Ink

On September 26, 2009 at 2:28 am Strop said...

Lovely, thank you. More please.

On September 26, 2009 at 3:05 am Ingrid said...

I like it. It does not seem long at all. I am expecting Andie and North to get back together. I do hope that is your intention this time.
My mind was quarrelling a bit with the description of the waiting room. I like Morris wall paper, and oriental carpets are expensive and last forever. You don’t just get rid of them. And the mention of an uncomfortable couch makes my mind fly back to Fast Women.

On September 26, 2009 at 10:17 am Lori J. said...

As a reader I didn’t care about all the info on Will Parker or Andie’s upcoming wedding to him. It only serves to annoy North and isn’t part of the story (I’m guessing). I already know the wedding ain’t gonna happen (again guessing). Will may or may not be an important character but already I don’t care about him. He seems to be another Taylor Beaufort or Connor Nash character– useful as a foil, but dead by the end of the book.

There’s a lot of telling from North. As though he’s telling the reader all of this information the reader needs to know. North is telling Andie their divorce backstory so the reader will know. The backstory of the divorce isn’t part of the upcoming story. If it’s really needed, that info can be woven into later scenes. Use some white space.

I keep thinking, if it were me, I would have just destroyed the monthly alimony checks, instead of collecting them in order to have to eventually meet with North to give them back. I don’t know, it seems like a weak goal for the protagonist and clutters the scene.

Did you do a conflict box for this scene? I can see North’s goal clearly, but I really can’t see Andie’s goal and how it conflict’s with his. North wants Andie to go to the house and take care of the kids. Andie wants to return alimony checks and live a vague life, maybe get married, maybe not. Those two conflicts don’t…conflict.

To me, this scene isn’t part of the story. It’s ALL backstory. It’s wonderful to read, but it’s 100% backstory. The story doesn’t start until Andie is standing on the front steps of that haunted house, ready to step through that door.

On September 26, 2009 at 10:34 am Lori J. said...

I agree with Savvy2 comments about North not being heroic. I think a lot of this scary info needs to be kept secret from Andie (and the reader) before she goes to the haunted house. After all that info about the nannies, the dead of the aunt, reports of seeing ghosts, the little girl hallucinates, the boy sets fires and does something nasty to cats…who in their right mind would dare enter that house to stay for a month after knowing all this info?

It’s all backstory.

On September 26, 2009 at 11:35 am robena grant said...

So, take out the whole returned checks from the alimony and focus on her coming to tell him she’s getting married and the checks can stop now, but he bulldozers her with his own request.

“Mr. Archer will see you now,” North’s secretary said to her.
“Well, good for him.” Andie stood up, and then wondered if that sounded too hostile.
“He’s really very nice,” the secretary confided.
“No, he isn’t.” Andie walked to the door of North’s office. She’d left a message, intending to tell him by phone, but he’d left her a message insisting on a face to face meeting. Something about needing to see her. She opened the door before the secretary could get in ahead of her, and then stopped, taken aback in spite of herself.
North sat behind his massive desk, his blond hair almost white in the sunlight from the large, mullioned window behind him. His wire rim glasses had slid too far down his nose again, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up over his forearms—Still playing raquetball, Andie thought—and his broad shoulders were as straight as ever as he studied the papers in an open folder on his desk. He looked exactly the way he had ten years ago when she’d bumped her suitcase on the door frame on her way out of town—
“Miss Miller is here,” his secretary said from behind her, and he looked up at her over his glasses, and the years fell away, and she was right back where she’d begun, staring into those blue-gray eyes—”Archer blue” his mother had told her—and losing her place in her plans.
He went still for a moment, and then he stood up. “Andromeda. Thank you for coming.”
She crossed the thick rug, smiled tightly at him, decided that shaking his hand would be weird and that touching him was a bad idea in general, and sat down. She had things to tell him and wasn’t certain how to broach the subject but maybe no stalling, just go right into it. “I called to tell you–”
“Yes, and I’m glad you did.” He sat down, and Andie had a moment where she thought, He missed me, and then he looked past her and said, “Thank you, Kristin,” to his secretary, and it was pretty hard to make a moment out of such a short . . . moment, so Andie went back to concentrating on that new life she was starting.
“Would you like something to drink, Miss Miller?” the secretary said at the same time. “Coffee?”
“She doesn’t drink coffee,” North said, and Andie thought, I might be drinking coffee now, people change, and then he said, “Peppermint tea,” and she thought, Oh, hell, he remembered.
“No, thank you,” she said to the secretary who nodded and backed out silently.
“So.” Andie smiled tightly again. Her lips must be cracking. “The reason I called—”
North ignored that. “I have a favor to ask. It’s a spur of the moment assignment, and it’s unconventional, so I thought of you.”
So he’d been thinking about her. Maybe. His blue eyes watched for a moment, eyelashes flickered and he dropped his gaze.
“The salary is ten thousand dollars a month plus room, board, and expenses—”
“What are you talking about?” Andie began and then the amount registered. “Ten thousand a month?”
“It’s a difficult situation. You’d have to travel—”
“I didn’t come here for a job,” Andie said, thinking, ten thousand freaking dollars? She could use ten thousand freaking dollars.
“North,” Andie began, and he said, “Andie, I need help,” and she shut up because he never needed help.
He straightened the folder on his desk again. “Theodore Archer, a distant cousin, died last year. His wife had died eight years before, so his death left his two children orphans. He made me their guardian.”
North and children. That was a problem. “So, how’s fatherhood?”
“I wouldn’t know. They’re at their family home in the south of the state. Their aunt took care of them there after their father’s death, but she died in June. Since then I’ve hired three nannies to go down there but none have stayed.”
North had changed after all. She could see the stress in his face now, the lines that hadn’t been there ten years ago, the age in the hollows under his eyes. His brother Southie probably still looked as smooth as a boiled egg, but North was still sitting behind that damn desk, taking care of everything in the family, just like always. And now there were two more in the family.
Still, not her problem. New life. “So bring them to Columbus. Let Lydia raise a new generation of lawyers.” That would be a horrible thing to do to two helpless orphans, but North and Southie had survived their mother’s influence, these kids probably would, too.
“We tried that in June,” North was saying. “The little girl had some kind of psychotic break when the nanny tried to take her away from the family home. The boy was sent away to boarding school at the beginning of August, but he’s back home again. I need someone to go down there and stabilize the situation, see that the children are healthy and well-cared for, bring their education up to standard for their grade level, and if possible find a way to move them up here. Competent professionals have given up.”
Andie looked at him in exasperation. “So you’re turning to an incompetent amateur? North, I have no idea how to help these kids.”
“You’re a teacher.”
“Yes, North, I’m a teacher. The kids come into the room, I give them information, the kids leave the room. These kids wouldn’t leave the room, they’d be there twenty-four-seven. They’d need food and comfort and professional counseling—”
“The food isn’t a problem, there’s a housekeeper—”
“North,” Andie said. “No. You need—”
“I need somebody who doesn’t care about the way things are supposed to be,” he said, looking straight at her now. “I think that’s where the nannies are going wrong. These kids are . . . different. I need somebody who will do the unconventional thing without blinking. I need somebody who will make an impact and change things, even if she doesn’t stay for the long haul.”
“Hey,” Andie said.
“Go down there for a month. You didn’t take a job this year, and you’re here living with your mother again, you must want out.”
Andie drew back. “How do you know all this?”
“I looked into your situation–”
“You looked into . . .” Andie took a deep breath. “What the hell, North?”
He frowned at her. “There was no point in asking you for this if you had other commitments. I’ve never asked you for anything before—”
“You asked for a divorce.” As soon as Andie said it, she knew it was a mistake. She didn’t care about that anymore, she didn’t care about him, that part of her life was done.
North was looking at her over the tops of his glasses, exasperated. “I did not ask you for a divorce.”
“Yes, you did,” Andie said, in too far to stop now. “You told me that I seemed unhappy, and if that was true, you would understand if I divorced you.”
“You were playing Rita Coolidge every time I came up to the apartment. ‘I’d Rather Leave While I’m In Love.’ As hints go, it was pretty broad.”
Andie drew a deep breath. “There are people who, if their spouses are unhappy, try to do something about it.”
“I did. I gave you a divorce. Do we need to review that again, or can we move on?”
“Move on. The divorce is a dead subject.” And the ghost of it is sitting right here with us. Although maybe only with her. North didn’t looked haunted at all. Except by Rita Coolidge. “Well, you obviously didn’t look into my situation deeply enough. I’m getting married. Again.” She watched him go still again, the pause longer this time, stretching out until she said, “North?”
“Congratulations. Who’s the lucky man?”
“Will Parker,” Andie said, pretty sure North wouldn’t know him.
“The mystery writer?”
“Yes. I was freelancing for F&W and interviewed him when he was in town—”
“Here? In Columbus?”
“Yes,” Andie said, annoyed. “Here.”
“I thought you’d only come back for the summer.”
“I did,” Andie said, more annoyed. “I met him in June.”
“Oh.”
The silence stretched out again as they both contemplated the two-month courtship.
“He swept me away,” Andie said flatly.
North nodded.
“And he’s a great guy. He’s good for me.”
“Good.”
“And I’m ready to settle down now. I want . . . ” She stopped, realizing she was rambling, but he was listening to her as if it mattered, so she went on. “I’ve had a really good time traveling around for ten years but there has to be something more. I want stability and connection and a future in one place. So I’m drawing a line under my old life. You know?”
After a moment, he nodded. “Yes. Congratulations. We’ll want to send something.” He pulled his notepad toward him. “Are you registered?”
“No, I’m not registered. Technically, I’m not even engaged yet,” Andie said, her exasperation getting the better of her. “He asked me. I haven’t told him yes yet. But I figure it’s time to start a new adult life. Your off the hook with the alimony.”
“Of course,” he said. “But since you haven’t told him yet, you could start your serious adult life in October.”
Andie sat back, dumbfounded. “Did you hear what I just said?”
“You’re getting ready to start a new life, I understand. But if you haven’t made plans yet, there’s no reason you couldn’t wait four more weeks. You could use the money for the wedding.”
“I don’t want a wedding. I want to get married. We can do that at the courthouse.” That’s what you and I did.
“Well, then, a honeymoon. Put it toward a down payment on a house. Buy a new car. You could use the money for a lot—”
“Which is another thing,” Andie said, getting really annoyed now. “Why are you offering me ten thousand dollars for a month of babysitting? You didn’t pay the nannies that. It’s ridiculous. For ten thousand dollars, you should not only get child care, you should get your house cleaned, your laundry done, your tires rotated, and if I were you, I’d insist on nightly blow jobs. What aren’t you telling me?”
He sat very still, which meant he was gathering his patience. Then he drew a breath and said, calmly, “Andromeda, I’m asking for a favor, a big one, and I don’t think the money is out of line. We didn’t leave our marriage enemies, so I don’t see why you’re hostile now.”
“I’m not hostile,” Andie said, and then added fairly, “Well, I’m a little hostile. Everything’s exactly the same as it was when I left. Which was exactly the same as it was when I first came here. I should have carved my initials in that desk or reupholstered that awful settee in Marimekko, done something to leave an impression.”
“Marimekko? What are you talking about?”
“You know the strongest memory I have of you? Sitting right there, behind that desk. You’d think I remember you naked or something, but no, it’s you, staring at me blankly from behind all that walnut. You have no idea how many times I wanted to take an ax to that damn desk.”
North looked down at his desk, frowning.
“I think you hide behind it,” Andie said, sitting back. “I think you use it to keep from getting emotionally involved.”
“Mostly I use it to write on,” North said.
“You know what I mean. It gives you distance.”
“It gives me storage,” North said. “Have you lost your mind?”
Andie sighed. “Yes. Ignore that. It was harder than I thought coming back here. I should go now.” She stood up.
“They say the house is haunted,” North said.
“Excuse me?”
“The nannies. All three of them said there were ghosts. The last one was hysterical. It’s ridiculous, but I can’t send another nanny down there if somebody’s playing tricks. I need somebody who can handle the unexpected. Somebody like you. And you’re the only person like you that I know.” He met her eyes again, and suddenly he was the old North again, warm and real. “They’re little kids, Andie. I can’t get them out of there, and I can’t leave them there, and I can’t leave the practice long enough to find out what’s going on, and even if I could, I don’t know anything about kids. I need you. Not somebody, you.”
Oh, just hell, Andie thought and sat down again.
He leaned forward again. “Carter is twelve and Alice is eight. Right now, they’re alone with a housekeeper, Mrs. Crumb. Give them a month, that’s all I ask. You can draw your line under us, I won’t call you and you won’t call me, you can send reports to Kristin, hell, take your fiance down there with you. Just get the kids and the situation stabilized. If you can bring them up there, that would be best, but if you can’t get them out of the house, I can get another nanny down there once you’ve fixed whatever’s going on.”
“I’m the least maternal person I know,” Andie said.
“I don’t think they need maternal, I think they need you. The little girl hallucinates, so she can’t be sent to public school. The last nanny insisted the boy be sent away to military school, but he’s just been sent home after two weeks. The headmaster said he’d been setting fires and there was something about a cat–”
“A cat.” Andie tried to keep her mind on the problem since the fact that North was finally looking human again meant nothing. “So, he’s growing up to be a serial killer. He didn’t off his aunt, did he?”
“There was an accident. She fell from a tower on the house.”
“The house has towers?”
“It’s an old country house.” North took his glasses off and rubbed his hand across his eyes. “Theodore’s great-grandfather had it brought over from England in the 1800s. And yes, it has a tower, since May Younger fell from one and died. It also has two children who have lost everyone they’ve ever known and are probably acting out because of that. Will you please go down there and find out what they need and give it to them?”
Andie could really see the age on him now. He was still good looking, but forty years of being North Archer had taken its toll. Unfortunately, the lines and shadows made him look even better. And with his glasses off, he looked very human—
“Please,” North said, those blue eyes fixed on her.
“Yes,” Andie said without thinking.
North drew a deep breath. “Thank you.” Then he put his glasses back on, professional again. “Kristin has all the details for you. There’s a household account you can draw on for any expenses, and there’s a credit card for you, too. The housekeeper, Mrs. Crumb, will clean and cook for you, and there’s a man who takes care of the grounds who will drive you anywhere you wish; the house is in the middle of nowhere and the roads are confusing. The drive had partially collapsed when I was there two years ago, but that should have been fixed by now. There’s more, but Kristin has a copy of this folder with everything you need in it.” He looked down at the papers on his desk. “I don’t understand most of the reports from the nannies, but I’m sure you will.”
“Okay.” Andie sat there for a moment, still a little stunned that she’d said yes. She’d felt the same way after he’d proposed.
“I’d appreciate it if you could go down as soon as possible,” he was saying. “You’ll want to get the month over with so you can get married.” It sounded almost like a question.
“Yes.” She stood up again. “I’ll drive down tomorrow. One good thing about being a wanderer, you’re always packed.”
“But now you’re settling down,” North said, meeting her eyes.
“Yes, I am.” Andie nodded at him. “I’ll keep in touch with Kristin. You have a good autumn terrorizing the opposing counsel.”
She headed for the door, refusing to look back. This was all good. She could spare a month to earn ten thousand dollars, Will was in New York for most of the month anyway, so he’d probably be happy about the extra money, and then–
“Andie,” North said, and she turned back in the doorway.
“Thank you,” he said, standing now behind his desk, tall and lean and looking at her the way he’d used to.
She drew a deep breath. “You’re welcome.”
Then she turned and walked out before he could say or do anything else that reminded her of a lifetime ago.

On September 26, 2009 at 1:13 pm Beth Weisman said...

I love your novels, I love you characters; I hope to write like you when I grow up.

I like North and Andie but I don’t like the premise of her visiting him to tie up loose ends. Ten years is more than enough time to figure out how you feel, really feel, about someone (and my initial reaction is, “What a waste.”). Who cares if she didn’t cash alimony checks — if it had ever bothered him he could have gone looking for her or he could have opened a trust for her (sending statements of his monthly/yearly deposits) (which could also really piss her off since she’s searching for independence).
I would shorten the time they’ve been apart and I would instigate this initial meeting from North — desperately turning to Andie for help. She comes running because he’s never needed help before.

On September 26, 2009 at 3:28 pm BCB said...

Good grief, woman. You’ve re-written this scene 80 times? What, are you trying to kill it?

It doesn’t quite have the tone I was expecting for AKMG. But you won’t know what’s wrong with it until you get to the end. Focus on getting there. From what I remember, you’ve got quite a mess to untangle in this story. You’re not by any chance avoiding that . . . are you?

Chill. You’ve never once screwed up the beginning of a book (or any other part) — I can’t imagine you’re going to start now.

North and Southie? *snort* That completely cracked me up.

Thanks for giving us a glimpse. Good to hear your “fictional voice” again.

Go write the rest of it.

On September 26, 2009 at 3:35 pm toni said...

oh, and I loved the bits about the mother. I think they’re necessary.

On September 26, 2009 at 3:57 pm tennis41 said...

It kept me reading. And I know you don’t write to be funny but it was. I’d say finish the book, then go back and look at it. I did expect North and Andie to reunite by the end of the book, the ghosts to be scary and the kids to be very very odd. I can’t wait to see this house. And your names are fabulous.

On September 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm Shari said...

Loving it already. It does feel a bit disjointed in the beginning. The mommy in me wants a really compelling reason for why he hasn’t been down with the kids under the circumstances. I also need a more compelling reason for Andie to say yes after ten years and some unresolved seemingly low level emotions. Maybe North initiated this contact between them specifically to ask for Andie’s help and she shows up to tie up the loose ends? Thanks for the sneak peek I can’t wait.

On September 26, 2009 at 4:25 pm SueG said...

Another country heard from…I don’t have a problem with the alimony checks being Andie’s reason for contacting North, it shows us (and North, if he’s paying attention) that she isn’t over him. Why would you hang on to 10 years worth of alimony checks otherwise? She can tell herself she’s over him, but she is smart and really knows she isn’t.

I also like the back story, I think it’s needed. We need to know at least a little of the why. The details will come throughout the story, I’m sure. It shows that even now they don’t know how to communicate. Maybe her complaints about the outer office are too similar to Nell’s in Fast Women. The comments about the desk are needed because of North’s hiding behind it. Her “naked” comment is fabulous.

I also think a slight mention of the fiance is plenty, that section kind of goes on for no reason.

I agree with the thought that maybe Andie doesn’t need to know how “haunted” the house is up front. Haunted yes, but maybe not the whole death, destruction, & hallucinations part yet. The serial killer comment, love it! Since North finds the haunted house idea “ridiculous” I don’t think the tower comment, etc. are necessary. North wouldn’t send Andie into a situation he believed was really dangerous for her; he’d get the kids removed for their own good, get the boy in counseling & hospitalize the girl if necessary. He already strikes me as someone who does what has to be done, regardless of the consequences, and without discussion.

I don’t write or edit, just read and I too, am already invested in the characters and can’t wait for the book to come out. I’m sure it’s driving you crazy at the moment, but WE appreciate the work!

On September 26, 2009 at 5:02 pm Carol Anne said...

PS – I still like the stale dated / saved cheques and North still writing them to her.

On September 26, 2009 at 6:04 pm Deanna Nelle said...

I really enjoyed reading this; can’t wait for the book. A supernatural Crusie is like Christmas and my birthday in a magical land where calories don’t exist and I have an endless buffet of all my favorite things and rides and…you get the picture. Now having said that…

1. Andie’s not angry enough. I feel that she should come storming into North’s office IN RESPONSE to his request for a meeting. It’s the last straw. Why won’t he leave her be once and for all? Maybe they’re not just Alimony checks, but Christmas cards, Birthday checks, etc. along with letters of ‘helpful advice’ that he thinks she can benefit from. After all, if he’s a caretaker type, they typically want to take care of people whether they want it or not. Then his phone call to discuss whatever is the final straw. If it was me I’d have torn every check/ card/ whatever up into little pieces and dumped them all over his pristine desk. I would then say something to the effect of “Leave me the hell alone, you obsessive-compulsive controlling freak!” and march out the door.

2. He’s got to get her to stay. He has to know how to push her buttons enough to A. show us why she fell for him in the first place and B. persuade her to take this job against her better judgment without freaking her out. I would be uneasy if someone described those kids like that and then wanted me to go take care of them. It sounds like they need professional care, not a wandering schoolteacher. I think North would be inclined to gloss over the more troubling aspects of the situation and play up the money, portraying the kids more as grieving and ill-behaved than emotionally disturbed. I also agree with those who said he should have gone down there. I think it’s contrary to his character from what I’ve read so far that he wouldn’t have assessed the situation himself.

3. Her situation needs to be intolerable enough so that the idea of getting out of town even for a month or two sounds wonderful. Could she be writing a book, perhaps about old houses (or haunted ones) which would be a selling point for her. He could then mention the haunting with a smirk like he doesn’t believe it. Maybe this is a lifelong hobby/ interest of hers, and one of the things they fought about when they were married. Also she needs to NEED that money (maybe she needs it to help pay off her mother’s house or her fiancé needs it for something). It should be the final tipping point. The chance to write uninterrupted for 1-2 months, with room, board and a housekeeper provided, AWAY FROM HER MOTHER, plus she ends up $10,000-$20,000 richer at the end of it (and can therefore take care of her problem), and all she has to do is straighten out two acting-out kids? Booyah!!!

I am seriously loving this story.

On September 26, 2009 at 6:54 pm Mary Stella said...

I think we’re pretty much hitting the same issue. There are too many details and too much backstory getting in the way of your brilliance. I agree with those who say start the scene with her already in the office. You don’t need the office decor description or the secretary.

To Andie, this meeting is hers — she’s cutting ties, returning the checks she never wanted. It should be a power moment for her in that she’s reminding him that she didn’t need him financially and she’s going to get married signifying that she has taken care of fulfilling the emotional/love/relationship needs without him, too. In her situation, I know I’d have had to pump myself up for this moment — but unless I’m a completely cold, heartless beyotch, I could still be completely touched by North flat out admitting that he needs me. If there had always been a figurative and literal barrier between them, even during their marriage, then having him reach out to me with any expression of need is hugely significant.

On September 26, 2009 at 7:04 pm ineed3 said...

Yeah, I agree with several- the alimony checks need a little more explaining. Right now they are a weak motivation. If she has been saving them up for a grand gesture, 10 years seems like a loooooong time to be doing that. Has she been thinking about doing this the whole 10 years? And if so, what made her wait this long? Did she take a confrontation class or something? I’m guessing that this new “engagement” is why she’s doing this right now, but the fact that she’s been hanging on to the checks for 10 YEARS says, “soooooo not over him, she’d buy his fingernail clippings on ebay if she could find them”. And she seems as excited about her new fiancee as she would be about, say, a bowl of high fiber, vitamin fortified bran flakes. There is definite chemistry between her and North, and I’m wondering why she’s fooling herself into this “marriage” when clearly this first one isn’t over. And I didn’t feel like I got to know her well- all the previous Crusies have had me solidly on the heroine’s side at the get go and in this one I actually like North a little bit better. I LOVE his responses about the desk- so practical and sensible when she’s flying high into symbolism- shows how they compliment each other. Even though I did think he should have checked out unhinged kids and adult death himself instead of sending a patsy. Bottom line- I need to care about Andie more and she had BETTER end up with North at the end!

On September 26, 2009 at 8:10 pm ineed3 said...

Oh, sorry I forgot- if she’s going back to his office to give him back a bunch of money she didn’t want/need, should money be a motivation for her to take this job? She’s going to give him back a bunch of money just to do this job and take a bunch of money from him? It doesn’t quite make sense to me. Still, loving the setup and can’t wait for the book!

On September 26, 2009 at 8:13 pm Ericka said...

also, what ineed3 just said! she can’t need the money that badly, or she’d be cashing those checks. if they were that much of an issue that she wouldn’t cash them, she’d be destroying them or mailing them back immediately upon receipt.

On September 26, 2009 at 8:46 pm Office Wench Cherry said...

My first impression is that it seems very stilted and forced, I agree that the alimony cheques are weak. I was also waiting for Andie to grow a backbone, she seemed intimidated by the office and secretary. She blames him for the divorce but he only gave her a divorce because it was what he thought she wanted based on her music and what he thought she was thinking, kind of a cross between O. Henry and Three’s Company. They both took the easy way out even though they still love each other.

I’d love to see her have more action. Maybe storm in passed the secretary, drop the cheques on his desk and yell at him to quit sending her the damn alimony, that she never wanted it and doesn’t need it. Even if she’s terrified she needs to pretend she’s not. He could interrupt her yelling by saying “Andie, I need your help” in what she would recognize as his desperate voice. Maybe he calls her by a nickname only he called her and that gets her attention.

North is obviously sending her money because he feels responsible – he’s got that responsible for everyone, the world falls apart if he sneaks out to movie, oldest child vibe and I like that. He’s the one I like in the scene but he needs a better reason for not going to see the children himself than he can’t get away from the office. Not being able to go because of work makes him seem like a jerk when what he appears to be is one of those men who are clueless and avoid conflict. What kind of lawyer is he? His he trying a very serious case? A murder, a class-action bunch-of-kids-got-cancer lawsuit? He wants the kids happy but he’s not sure how to do it himself. I’m just not sure why he feels that she has the qualifications for the job. Maybe she got fired for some extreme out of the box teaching methods or something. I want to know why he needs her to be his Susan Sto Helit and being the ex-wife doesn’t cut it for me.

I would keep the “He’s really very nice.” “No, he’s not” comments but put them at the end.

I do have to agree with everyone that I want to read more.

On September 26, 2009 at 9:53 pm Eva said...

I got nuthin. I’m totaly biased, you could write ‘shitshitshit’ and I’d tell everyone how brilliant it was.

I just wrote a divorced couple that gets back together and the thing is, you can’t have a scorched earth divorce or no one will believe the HEA. Quite the tightrope. So, you may think this has problems, but I read it and went, “Crap. And mentally tossed all my papers into a garbage can. Ok, not, but in my head I did. And that is where the real stuff happens anyway.

On September 27, 2009 at 12:39 am Flamingo Cherry said...

Overall I like it and am looking forward to more. I’ve skipped most of the previous comments, so if anything I’ve said is repetitious, just ignore me.

Having the male and female lead previously married but divorced for a decade is a departure, but leaving them emotionally unresolved helps address that. I got a little chemistry between them, but it felt wonky, which is good since their relationship has been wonky for a long time.

I think that North “goes still” too many times.

I’m not sure I bought her keeping 10 years worth of checks and only now deciding to do something about them. Even if she didn’t previously want to deal with North, she could have mailed them back with a terse “quit sending these.” Likewise, he’d know if she wasn’t cashing them and somewhere along the line, if he’s a smart businessman, would have called her to ask why she isn’t cashing them because he can’t close his books.

I think you gave too much detail about the kids’ situation to show the parallels with Turn of the Screw. It’s mostly the minor details that feel like they are bashing me over the head. Maybe I’m wrong, because I can sort of see why you need them, but my initial knee jerk was … “too much too soon, let me discover some of this later.”

Can’t wait for the finished product, and thanks for asking for input.

On September 27, 2009 at 12:41 am Flamingo Cherry said...

Oh, also … if she’s a teacher, what’s the deal with her traveling a lot? Or did I read that wrong?

On September 27, 2009 at 1:11 am Lurkella said...

I know you want to cut this, but my three main concerns might add more.

First, I’m not getting North’s appeal– nice but dull, yes; sexy hero Andie’s gonna fall for again, no. Need more description of his, er, assets, and of Andie’s reaction to being in the same room with him (besides irritation).

Second, I’m not getting Andie’s motivation. A decade of alimony checks is too much. Andie is not merely not over North, she’s in arrested development. And she needs a really good reason to capitulate to his job offer. Those kids sound like psychopaths, and the “something about a cat” squicked me out. My protective instincts weren’t aroused and I really don’t want Andie riding off to their rescue. Maybe to the cat’s…

Third, the subject of the haunted house was dropped in too casually. It needs to get a stronger reaction, either of belief or disbelief. Instead, I’m not sure where North and Andie stand on the existence-of-ghosts question. North says “the house is haunted” to stop Andie from leaving, like he thinks it’s important information or that Andie would think so. Then before Andie can react, he dismisses the notion as ridiculous and assumes someone is playing tricks. The ghost question seems an opportunity for conflict between these two, and could give Andie motivation to take the job. Instead it just lies there.

What could be cut:
Kristin is mentioned a lot, so I hope she is important. I noticed that amid Andie’s irritation that North’s office was just the same as the day she met him, she didn’t note that Kristin was new. (Kristin didn’t recognize the ex-Mrs. North Archer, so she must have been hired since the divorce.) Depending on how important Kristin is, her part could be cut down. The kids’ backstory could be cut way down, emphasizing their loss and their current pitiful state and leaving the psychopathy and other difficulties to come out later. North’s infodump after Andie says “yes” could be cut, especially since once he gets her agreement he goes professional on her and basically hands her off to Kristin. Andie doesn’t need to think about her fiance’s reaction to her new job, I rather like that she’s forgotten all about him.

Finally, North’s line about his desk, “Mostly I use it to write on,” got a LOL from me.

On September 27, 2009 at 3:45 am CatScott said...

I really liked it. I think the problems are minor and will probably leap off the page at you once you’ve finished it. It reminds me a little of “His Girl Friday”, which I absolutely adore!

For what it’s worth I liked that Andie is returning the alimony checks. It’s explained and makes sense. She believes that in order to move on with her new life she must cut all ties to her past and North. I think there’s also a lot of subconscious motivation to her actions and his for writing those checks each month. I also like the he knows she doesn’t cash them.

If you’ve ever had a relationship end that was unresolved you understand the whole check thing. Those checks are quite symbolic and I think they speak volumes about both characters and their motivations.

It was previously mentioned to have more action in this scene. I think having Andie stand and maybe pace a little will pick up the energy level. If North was always behind that desk, like he is now, then having her stand/pace would highlight their differences and kick up the tension.

She’s been traveling, moving and doing while he’s remained the same. She’s somewhat irritated by the lack of change, the alimony checks, remembering his mother and seeing him behind that desk. I would hazard a guess that she is also somewhat anxious to see him again and deliver the news about her impending nuptials. If she isn’t anxious/nervous then she is probably over him. I think the pacing could relay a bit of that anxious irritation.

I think if you show us then you don’t have to tell us.

On September 27, 2009 at 5:45 am Mariah said...

Honestly, I found the scene confusing. First off, did they meet 10 years ago or did they divorce ten years ago? “He looked exactly the way he had ten years ago when she’d bumped her suitcase on the door frame on her way out of town—” can go either way.

Also, I thought Lydia was North’s new wife. The way Andie asked about her made me think that North was cheating on her with Lydia. I didn’t get that she was North’s mother until I was reading the comments.

Also, walking out of a marriage because of a simple miscommunication? That just doesn’t sit well. Seriously, why didn’t she ask him why he thought divorce was a good idea, instead of some bizarre default? And if she was unhappy, why didn’t she try and do something about it– something a bit more real than just playing music? That’s just too passive to believe.
The only thing that intrigued me about the chapter was the house, the kids, and the ghosts. Andie and North just aren’t that interesting.

Especially Andie. Seriously, cash the checks and buy great shoes, or go and do something that North wouldn’t enjoy. Not doing something won’t ever make the same statement that doing something does. It’s just like not fighting for the marriage. Or fighting the checks from the beginning, if she felt the money wasn’t hers. She’s just too passive to be interesting, and definitely too passive for me to think that she can fix some crazy situation.

Just my $0.02.

On September 27, 2009 at 4:32 pm DownUnderGal said...

Nope Briana. I’m hoping.

On September 27, 2009 at 6:01 pm Lindsey said...

I’m always a big fan of your work. Always. With that said, I think the main problem I had was that I got no sense of who Andie was. North tells me she’s different, she’s the person to handle this situation, but I haven’t seen anything that really makes her stand out. If she didn’t want the checks, why didn’t she mail them back right away, return to sender? She says she’s a wanderer, but I didn’t get that sense when she was thinking about their marriage or discussing what it was like 10 years ago. Did she leave because she’s a wanderer?

Also, I’m having trouble getting his character. It’s hard to explain, he just feels vague. Is his flaw that he’s too stable? Is that why she left him? Or is he cold? I just couldn’t get a handle on him. I’m sorry, I wish I could be more clear.

On September 27, 2009 at 6:56 pm misspiggy don'twannabe said...

I enjoyed it but it was loooong. The situation with the kids seems dangerous and I can’t see him exposing her to that unless he seems baffled by the reports and she’s the only one that he trusts to tell him exactly what is going on.

I can see that the $10,000 per month (she’d be earning) is completely different from the alimony checks – that she doesn’t think she deserves. Although I like the line about his mother chewing the wood for the desk, the rest of the references to her (and Southie) could be what Andie thinks about as she’s driving down to see the kids.

The suggestion about shortening “south part of the state” was a good one.

The fact that she thinks of herself as Andie and he calls her Andromeda is good for me. Part of her conflict would be resolved if she could think of herself as a glorious Andromeda rather than an ordinary Andie.

Ten years is a long time to be apart with so little resolution 5-6 years would be better I think.

Write on!

On September 27, 2009 at 8:45 pm Nic said...

I’ve thought about this some more.

Are you sure this needs to be set in the office at all? The action is at the house. I suspect you love the desk and love the desk metaphor (I also really like the desk metaphor), but is holding onto it hurting the flow of the story? Is there an important motivational reason he’s not downstate being overwhelmed with the kids and dealing with the quitting Nanny situation when she comes looking for him?

On September 27, 2009 at 9:03 pm Izabela said...

I liked. But if the book isn’t about them getting together, I will feel majorly cheated. Do we get to read a bit more?

Oh, yeah, why would she have so many memories of visiting him in the office so that the desk becomes an issue?

A suggestion of pushing aunt from the tower is a bit strong. If there was a hint of this, he should have been there by now.

I liked his answers about the desk.
looking forward to it,
i

On September 27, 2009 at 10:23 pm Shangrila said...

Okay, Doll. I’ve resisted the urge to gush at you for months now, and sadly, that dam has just broken. I love, love, love your books. My sisters and I reference your characters as if they are “real” people. Frequently. The references and characters in your books have touched my life in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (because you don’t have the rest of your life to read said description, because you have to write me another book!) That said:

I agree with some of my fellow commenters that the opening drags quite a bit until she’s actually engaged in conversation with North. It’s missing the type of internal dialog that made us love Nell immediately when she met Gabe in Fast Women. I’m digging the frustrated vibe between Andie and North, but their exchange left me irritated with both of them. I’m not loving her, and I’m not seeing what she still sees in him.

Is it okay that your readers know immediately that Will Parker (also the name of the hero in Lavyrle Spencer’s fabulous romance Morning Glory, btw) is doomed (like Taylor in Agnes?) If you don’t want that, less wistful noticing on Andie’s part.

I can’t help but notice that Andie isn’t “in trouble”. Neither is North, really. Why the eff didn’t Andi just MAIL the checks back to North? She doesn’t NEED to be there. If he had to sign long-overdue divorce paperwork and he had been sending her support money and she needed him to SIGN so she could marry Will, or if he had her grandmother’s wedding ring in his safe, or if his law agency was handling the legalities of her inheritance, or something (!!!) the reader would understand why she’s in his office in the first place.

I’m am also totally not buying her accepting that job, $10,000.00 or not. If she needed money, she’d have cashed his damn checks. She’s the only one who can think outside the box? Really? No.There needs to be either a link to her personality (she loves kids, has always wanted kids, etc) or her job (she’s a specialist who works with disturbed children, or a social worker, or whatever) or a friendship or obligation to that distant part of the family from when they were married, or whatever to make it a given that she HAS to go look after those kids. Maybe she went to the office because she wants North back, dammit, and is going to do whatever it takes to ingratiate herself to him. I’m not the writer, babe, I don’t know what’s supposed to happen, but I do know that it’s missing some “Crusie-ness”, though maybe that’s what comes when you re-write the first scene after the book is finished?

I love:
Andie/Andromeda
North/Southie
the line about his mother gnawing the trees down
their thoughts surrounding the Rita Coolidge song
and this passage:
“You know the strongest memory I have of you? Sitting right there, behind that desk. You’d think I remember you naked or something, but no, it’s you, staring at me blankly from behind all that walnut. You have no idea how many times I wanted to take an ax to that damn desk.”

North looked down at his desk, frowning.

“I think you hide behind it,” Andie said, sitting back. “I think you use it to keep from getting emotionally involved.”

“Mostly I use it to write on,” North said.

“You know what I mean. It gives you distance.”

“It gives me storage,” North said. “Have you lost your mind?”

His responses there are my first glimpse as to who he is. Would really love to see him be the kind of guy that consistantly says hilariously dry, pragmatic things like that.

Hang in there, Jenny! The truth is that, really? We’ll buy this book. (And) copies for our sisters. <3

On September 28, 2009 at 12:39 pm Gabrielle Charbonnet said...

You’ve gotten a bunch of useful and mostly consistent feedback, so you might not even read down this far. I’ll try to be brief.
What’s great: The basic plot, the basic characters, the characters’ voices, the mechanics of the writing. These all have the brilliant, inimitable Cruise stylistic gift. I too am hungry for Crusie and so wolfed down the sample.
What doesn’t hold up: The initial set-up/premise, her motivations, her strength as a character, each of their character’s consistency. And yes, there’s too much backstory, too much given away. Let us wonder a bit more.
If I were Queen of the Universe, what I would do: Start the scene with Andie and Will going to get their marriage license. Clues: she’s not wearing her engagement ring (scared she’ll lose it or something), was late to meet Will (not making this a priority), this is their second time to go get it, the first time she forgot her birth certificate. A little internal backstory where she admits she’s hesitant–look what happened to her first marriage. But this one will be different? Why, because she’s changed so much! (I would leave out the alimony checks completely.) She used to be unsure and all over the place–now she’s grown up. Then they can’t get their license because North never sent in his signed copy of their divorce papers. Now she’s mad; will track North down and get the papers. This solidifies her resolve to get married. Will is going out of town for almost a month–she will get this done before he comes back.
Then–have North be down there actually dealing with the kids, the hysterical nanny is leaving right in front of us, babbling about ghosts, etc. Backstory of kids. North is fielding calls from the office, crucial case, etc. Everything is chaotic, out of control. He’s desperate. He gets a call from Andie–she’s furious about unsigned divorce papers. He says he’ll sign them if she’ll come do this huge favor for him. Andie met the kids when they were little and remembers them as being fairly cute and somewhat bearable. Not enough to make her want her own, but still–what happened? She remembers something they did together, her and North and the kids. It was fun. Then things went south with North (ha ha) and the kids are loony and that’s what always happens, right? North will not sign papers without this. She decides to go down, tidy up their lives, and come back ready to make a new start with Will.
I feel like you got bogged down with details and cramming everything in because the characters weren’t alive enough to be running the show. They should be running the show, and you should be trying to keep up with them.
Please don’t hate me.

On September 28, 2009 at 3:36 pm Vanessa said...

Scanned these comments so apologies if it’s repetitive.

Agree that there’s so much good stuff here, but I think your instinct about you being married to this scene is right on. This info is ALL important (and written so well by you, of course), but you need to CUT it and weave it in elsewhere.

To really grab the reader by the throat, which you are so great at, we need CLEAR motivation and some “have to” on the part of the heroine, it’s obvious North really needs Andie. But her “starting new life” reason isn’t enough for me and “here are TEN YEARS worth of checks” is fishy…like she wants to hurt him or show him. Now, if she were there because she’d never asked for a penny of alimony despite him being rich and needs it now…and they struck up a deal…that’s some motivation.

Finally, I LOVE the idea of a haunted house, crazy kids and fab heroine story, but I also agree we need just tiny hints of what’s to come on that front. You can’t have the threat of a crazy wife wanting to burn the house down right out the gate…you need her in the misty night, banging around the scullery and wailing in the attic. A bit more Gothic, I guess is what I’m saying. Cruise awesome plus contemp Gothic equals SWEET for me as a reader

Good luck, you’ll get there, plus mercury is OUT of retro tomorrow!!!

On September 29, 2009 at 3:09 pm Dayna said...

Oh, dear. I’m a bit late on this one but I just read this. Oh dear, oh dear. I really didn’t like this at all. I don’t like North, he comes across as a manipulative weasel and Andi strikes me as a spineless wuss who held on to the checks so she’d have an excuse to see North again. I Feel that if Andi really wanted to get on with her life, she’d tell North to get stuffed, get off his butt and go check on those kids himself. I didn’t think the characters had any chemistry. Maybe the internet connected me to something different than what everybody else was reading because this really didn’t work for me at all.

On September 29, 2009 at 10:27 pm ruthie said...

Well, it all seems good to me. I like North. Andie is vintage Crusie, which is great. Without knowing what you think is unnecessary, I can’t see anything extraneous. Yeah, I could cut it, if I had to, but I’m-a like.

On September 30, 2009 at 9:24 am Jo Walton said...

She comes over well. He comes over well. The desk is brilliant. The thing that seems off to me is her agreeing. The only bit where I was at a distance and thinking “well, I suppose it needs this to get the plot started” was with the total implausibility of the situation with the kids. If it needs editing, it’s around that. The emotional pitch is fine, but there’s something there on the “what universe is this” with reference to the kids and the job and their level of reality compared to the absolute reality of the couch and the desk and the returned alimony.

Writer, reader, fan, giver of feedback, could also send brownies.

On September 30, 2009 at 12:18 pm Kathryn said...

I want to promise I’m not a blatant kiss-ass before I say, “I WANT THIS BOOK.” I haven’t read all of the above comments but I would like to say that without OVER-analysis of 1 scene which is meant to hook interest – and boy did that work – here’s what I have gleaned.
Andie has come to get some kind of closure. The checks are her vehicle for that. They obviously have very different personality and points of view (The Cinderella Deal) but they came together for some reason at some time. Things obviously fell apart. (Mothers? Welcome to Temptation controlling, dyanasty driven mothers?) And I’m getting the feeling that Andie may like change for change’s sake (like me) so it doesn’t matter practically that the stuff is good stuff that will last forever, she just wants to see that her presence has made a difference in his life. Which she clearly says when she’s like, this is how things were before me and this how they are long after I left. Maybe she thought she could be that change in their earlier relationship, I don’t know. But I do know that while it’s great to have a independent partner, most people (especially we women) want to feel needed, and if she didn’t feel that before, she may not be able to resist (obviously wan’t able to resist) it now.
I do think it’s scary that the kids appear to be troubled and a woman died. That would make me pause for more info before I agreed and I’d definitely be taking someone with me. (Is there a big protective dog or brother like Davey?) Anwyay, I can’t wait. And as someone who is sensitive to criticism, may I just say that you have XL balls of steel for putting this on here and then reading the comments. Whoa. I’d be scheduling treatment.

On September 30, 2009 at 3:56 pm Jade said...

Haven’t read many of the comments, but will later–working (?) now. My response (on a quick read):
I love it. Think it’s brilliant. Can’t wait for the rest. It does *almost* seem a little long, but it rewards the reader in the end–just in time. So, fabulous!

And back to work…

On September 30, 2009 at 9:40 pm McB said...

North feels out of his element with the kids. I think he genuinely cares and fears he would just make it worse because he knows he isn’t good at that stuff. He knows that what’s been tried so far was wrong. He knows this is an unconventional problem which isn’t something he understands. But unconventional is right up Andi’s alley AND he can help her too. Yes he’s managing people but it’s what he knows and how he deals.

Andi is likeable but a bit flaky. I wonder, though if that isn’t rebeling against North’s life? I think he knows he needs her but can’t be what she wants. And maybe Andi doesn’t know what that is.

And we are all too involved in the lives of two fictional people
we have only met for one chapter. Crusie, sounds like you have another winner.