Looking for the Group Hug
Jul252009
I’ve been thinking a lot about community lately, since AKMG once again has the Crusie Cast of Thousands and since there have been some changes in my living arrangement. In fact, everything lately is combining to make me think about community.
It’s always been important in my writing–all those heroines who are alone at the beginning of the book and end up with extensive, extended communities of the family-you-make kind–and I’ve noticed it in my TV viewing, too. I watch NCIS to see the way Gibbs pulls his professional family together, challenges them, protects them, comes through for them, so it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen an episode (they’re in permanent rotation three times a day somewhere). I’m not looking for a surprise ending, I’m watching people support each other. It’s also the reason I watch the reruns of Burn Notice: I go back to see Michael and Fiona and Sam and Madeline and now Virgil, the ex-Navy SEAL, and Barry the money launderer, and Jason the Fed with heart of lead, and Seymour the delightfully insane arms dealer, and even Larry the un-delightfully insane assassin, and this season they’re adding promised-to-recur characters even faster. I could also go on about The Mentalist, which adds the wrinkle that one of the community can tell when the rest are lying to him, or Lie To Me, which adds the wrinkle that they all can tell when they’re being lied to, but it’s the same idea, the idea that worked for Buffy and Angel and Star Trek and Cheers: community draws viewers (and readers) in. I’m also seeing it in the new shows coming out this fall. Modern Family. a new show from CBS, has ten characters just in the synopsis, and six of them are primary. That’s ten people before you even get to the grunts who show up to do supporting work each week.
So why is all this community happening now? I think more people need that sense of connectedness. I think as our society contracts due to the financial upheaval and the huge policy changes being made, we have to learn how to get along, how to support each other, how to take comfort in each other, and above all, how to live and work together without killing each other. We can’t anesthetize ourselves and isolate ourselves with the things money can buy any more. It’s a whole new world, and we’re looking for narratives and in many cases real lives that reflect that. I love that. I particularly love it because one isolated-woman-finds-a-community book that I wrote turned into reality.
A couple of years ago, I began a collaboration with Lani Diane Rich and Alyssa Day. We were having a great time playing with talking dogs and goddesses when Alyssa’s Poseidon series took off and she had to leave to concentrate on that. We waved her good-bye and good luck (which she got since the series is doing beautifully) and then I said, “I know somebody I think would be a good match for us” and introduced Lani to Anne Stuart. At that point, Lani and I were let’s-have-lunch friends, and Krissie (Anne) and I were room-together-at-National friends, but none of us were really close. But as we wrote the book, the relationships between the three characters in the book and our own relationships began to feed into each other. Writing a book with somebody bonds you intellectually, but by the end of the book, we had bonded emotionally, too. We had become sisters.
At the time we’d talked about forming our own physical community, moving close together so that we could support each other and make our own extended family, and in the beginning it was just fun, building communes in the air (or in deserted missile silos). Then as the economy contracted and we all had upheavals in our own lives, it stopped being a maybe/someday and became a we-should-do-this. Nobody should be alone during times like this; times like this have been why people have clung together from the beginning. So I finally finished remodeling the attic upstairs, and now Lani and her girls live up there. And this fall we’re fixing up the first floor for Krissie and we’re going to get her in there one way or another. (Our plan right now is to not let her go home the next time she visits so her husband will have to come get her, and then we get him with the dachshunds, Steak N Shake, and the workshop in the garage.)
We know people are going to think we’re insane, but let’s face it: people have always thought we were insane. They just didn’t realize it was a group effort. And really, we thought we were insane. When Lani and the girls moved in, we talked seriously about what a change it would be for all of us, about how we’d have to make concessions and talk out our differences and compromise. Two weeks later, Lani and I were having tea and cookies in the kitchen while we watched Rachel Maddow, and I said, “So this was easy,” because it feels as though she and the girls have always been here. No need for concessions, this is just the way it’s supposed to be. And the dogs are ecstatic.
So I’m thinking that what’s happening now–kids moving back home, parents moving in with grown children, friends sharing houses–is a return to sanity. We were never supposed to live apart, we’re supposed to be close together, making and keeping extended families, living them vicariously in books and film but also living them in fact. It was quieter here before I had to find Light’s Crocs and get markers for Sweetness, and it was definitely more peaceful before Milton chased Lani’s cat Daisy every day (although he’s been swatted so many times now you’d think he’d get the message) but the truth is, I like putting pink Crocs on the table by the stairway and watching Sweetness’s eyes light up when she sees there’s a whole box of markers, and there’s something that’s very nice about hearing animal feet thundering on the floor above and watching Rachel every weekday night with tea and cookies and Lani. It all feels right.
So now I’m looking at the huge cast in AKMG, and I’m not wondering if any of the characters could go. Clearly the time for big casts has arrived. All I have to worry about is writing the book so the people in it aren’t just a cast. Because a bunch of people milling around is not what we’re looking for. We’re looking for connection and support and responsibility, we’re looking for people who know us, we’re looking for our people, the people who know where our Crocs are, the group hug of belonging. Sometimes you just want to go where everybody knows each other’s names. And especially where people know yours.
Filed in Deep Thoughts, Writing
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83 Comments to 'Looking for the Group Hug'
On July 25, 2009 at 5:32 pm hope101 said...
Aw shucks. Now I’m feeling sentimental about the days my kids condescended to place Crocs on their feet, and for when they were content to lie on the grass for hours to watch ants build a colony.
But I know what you mean about the place of community. We are meant to be social animals, IMO. And good for you for doing what feels right, particularly since you did it from a place of health instead of a desperate crisis.
Also, if it means anything, that community you built is visible to others. I was at Nationals and saw it with my own eyes. Speaking of which, thanks for your lecture! I was too shy to say so in person, but your commitment to teaching and passion for imparting hope to us newbie storytellerswas palpable.
On July 25, 2009 at 5:32 pm Diane (TT) said...
That is SO cool! I have accumulated too much stuff to be readily assimilated into anyone else’s domicile (and I was afraid it was going to have to happen, earlier this year), but I love to be part of a community.
I move fairly frequently (although I’m staying here in SW Ohio for another year), but I decided in grad school that putting off my life until some unspecified future when I could put down roots wouldn’t work for me. So, while I don’t do EVERYTHING, I do join churches and go to and throw parties with colleagues and (when possible) make connections at the Farmer’s Market and local businesses.
Community is fabulous, and congratulations on yours!
On July 25, 2009 at 6:03 pm Susan D said...
I don’t think you’re insane at all. It sounds perfect. The nuclear family has its place, but not at the expense of other household structures.
And of course, because no one’s said it yet (though I’m sure it’s been said at your place….) now you have the Girls in the Basement AND the Girls in the Attic.
On July 25, 2009 at 7:31 pm robena grant said...
What a lovely story.
I’m envious, although I’ve lived alone for so long I’m not certain I could adjust. (Read, old lady stuck in her ways). But it sounds like you’ve got the perfect arrangement. Each of you has your own space and that’s important to the venture’s ongoing success, and just having young voices and lots of energy around will keep you young.
On July 25, 2009 at 8:20 pm Jackie said...
Wow. I’ve been thinking and talking about the importance of community and extended family for years now. In fact I have been living with my partner and his parents for about 3 years. I have been embarrassed to mention that I was living with my 48 YO partner in his parents’ home because to most American ears that sounds AWFUL. Then when my partner’s Dad passed away, we brought him home to be buried in Hawaii and I saw a whole different way of living. All the people (the aunties and uncles) of the last generation had at least one adult child living with them or down the street. This was an extended family of roughly 15 households and this was true of them all. No one is taking advantage of anyone, but everyone is helping out. It ends up that what I was feeling embarrassed about was normal in this family. I feel so much better to see what we are doing is more common and understood than I thought. We are all just taking care of each other, and for us, it is easier to do in the same house.
On July 25, 2009 at 8:26 pm Karla said...
This really resonated with me, Jenny. After my husband died I found myself disconnected from friends & place. After my sister had a family crisis I decided to move from San Diego to Colorado. It has been three years since the move. We were never in a position to actually live together. We have talked, though, about the possibility if she were to get divorced or separated. I think that too often our society has limited views on the right or best way to solve a problem. If more of us did what you did, the world would probably be a happier place. We could all benefit by sharing resources — assets, skills, time, etc. Kudos to you & Lani for having the courage and wisdom to find such a wonderful solution!
I don’t drink tea but I would happy to watch Rachel with you any time you are near Denver
Karla
On July 25, 2009 at 9:32 pm Dash said...
We’re four generations in this house, almost all female. Well, men die or get restless, you know? All I can say is, I used to think solitude was great. Now I know that privacy is something you keep in your own head. No idea what crocs are, but about the markers . . . didn’t you just paint your place?
Is Bob getting scared to visit you? Does he have one of those secret exit plans all set up? Good for you, gals.
On July 25, 2009 at 9:39 pm Stephanie said...
Personally, I think it sounds like a great living arrangement. It’s the best of all worlds and a wonderful model. Kids, dogs, cats, and everyone else – enjoy!
On July 25, 2009 at 10:09 pm Lani said...
You know, we really did think it would be difficult, all the adjustment and transition and whatnot, but it was surprisingly easy. Neither of us had a village before, we were both isolated, and now we’ve got space when we need it and community when we need it. Even better when Krissie’s here. It seemed like such a crazy idea at first, but now I’m wondering what took us so long. The big takeaway is, build your life the way you need it to be, and don’t be dissuaded by the idea that it might look odd. We spend too much time trying to pretzel ourselves around our lives as we think they should be, instead of forming our lives to fit us. So glad Jenny and I got over that, because this really is the kind of community we’ve both been writing about for ages, and it’s such a lovely surprise to have it for real.
On July 26, 2009 at 1:22 pm Kelly said...
So, I probably shouldn’t be asking, but um, Fish? Is he the reason these times of support? I do hope all works out for the best and am glad you have a community to support you.
On July 28, 2009 at 10:42 am Linda Sherwood said...
My first question was the same, Kelly. What happened with Fish?
On July 28, 2009 at 5:10 pm Lani said...
Go here.
http://www.storywonk.com
It’s the best I can explain it right now…
On July 25, 2009 at 10:25 pm Distracted said...
Is Bob moving in too?
On July 25, 2009 at 11:12 pm Jenny said...
Yes. It is Bob’s fondest dream to live in a house with four women, two of whom will insist on showing him their shiny earrings and glittery nail polish. Bob would cut his throat before he’d move in here. I’m not sure what he’s going to do if we have to do another midwest book tour. Sleep in the woods probably. With Gus.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:27 pm Merry the CB said...
Well, if you and Lani will insist on flaunting your glittery nail polish, of course he’s going to be jealous. Exercise some restraint, woman!
On July 25, 2009 at 10:36 pm hollygee said...
Yes a big, extended family of a tribe of wild women. You know that we’ve always appreciated the tribes in your books Jenny. The women care for each other, help them over the bumps and celebrate the good stuff. This is the good stuff.
On July 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm JulieB said...
I love the idea of extended family and extended community together. I think that’s why I love my small-ish town so much. It has the benefit of the college, but I really thrive all all the connections I’ve made here.
When my husband and I were first married we visited a family that “adopted” him when he was stationed in Germany. Years ago, my husband had rented a first-floor apartment in their house. The house had three upper stories and a basement. When we visited right after we were married, our friends had 4 generations in the same house. The friends (a couple) and their son who had just completed high school, the great-grandmother who made lunch for the family every day, and the grandparents, who then lived in the first floor apartment. I’ve always thought that house was perfect.
On July 25, 2009 at 11:20 pm Penny said...
I wrote a blog on community in March of this year but you have said it so much better. In my case it was the community achieved by the military. I miss it since we have retired. We all do need something like that whether we realize it or not. The support is wonderful.
I have always admired the Europeans for their appreciation of family and its importance. Most families stay very close.
On July 25, 2009 at 11:59 pm Kira said...
Good for you for taking the risk – giving has an unlimited upside.
How does Molly feel?
On July 26, 2009 at 12:08 am Jenny said...
Mollie’s all for it. She and Lani are good friends, plus now she doesn’t have to worry about me falling off the deck into the river with nobody to notice. Everybody wins.
On July 26, 2009 at 2:35 am DownUnderGal said...
Wah! I want to be a kid in your house.
I’m sure Lani’s girls will grow up to appreciate the exposure to both community and creatvity they’re going to be immersed in. I can just imagine them at college talking to their friends about their wonderful madcap childhood. They’re gonna be strong, smart women and men (good, smart men) are gonna adore them!
On July 26, 2009 at 5:48 am inkgrrl said...
LOL I was just thinking what fun it would be to be a kid in your house too! WLS about the pretzel thing… I gave up on being origami girl a long-ass time ago but it’s taken until this year for my life to start looking like my intentions. Turns out it takes a lot of energy to make that shift. I am so glad you’ve finally done it, and didn’t have to resort to an abandoned missile silo (although that would have been way super neato torpedo cool too).
On July 26, 2009 at 9:01 am Allie said...
I’m very into communal living myself, and am pleased to see people in the public eye doing this. Right now, I live on a property with my ex-boyfriend so we can raise our daughter together, but if we can’t afford to buy it, we’ll lose the place in November. It totally bites because we have a great balance here: he’s “next door” in the apartment above the attic, and we share a kitchen, so we’re always in each other’s space. I thought it might be awkward, but so far the only issue we’ve had is “KNOCK FIRST.” Which…happens to everyone, really.
There’s a third residence on the property, so we’re hoping to find other people so we can stay. Cross your fingers for us! I’ve got mine crossed for you that this will continue to be successful.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:02 am Allie said...
Er, not attic. Garage. Sorry, recovering from surgery and I keep zoning out and forgetting to check what I type before I submit.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:22 am Susan D said...
Hmmm, since so many of us want to be a kid in that household, seems like we should buy the house next door and form the Cherry Commune. Or perhaps a Cherry B and B, where we could always come and stay for a while and hang out with each other and watch the vultures and peacocks in the neighbourhood. (And hey, Bob could stay too!)
Of course, Jenny and Lani and the Girls might not be so thrilled with that plan.
On July 26, 2009 at 11:46 am Sure thing said...
I second the B and B idea. I’m willing to invest in that and work there to make it a going concern.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:34 pm JulieB said...
Ohh. I call a vote. All in favor say “Aye!”
“Aye!”
On July 26, 2009 at 9:25 am GatorPerson said...
I claim this all started with air conditioning and TV. We no longer sat on front porches after supper; so neighbors no longer talked to each other as much. So close societies became not so close.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:41 am Jackie said...
You are so right, Gator….
But I feel it neccessary to remind everyone – the front porch is still there, and walking after dinner is still as good for you as it ever was. I’m off to make iced tea and cookies. Then when some one stops by, we have something to share…
On July 26, 2009 at 9:43 am Jackie said...
Oh, and tell the kids the DS and the PSP work just fine out there….
On July 26, 2009 at 10:15 am McB said...
“Sometimes you just want to go where everybody knows each other’s names.”
Been there, done that, have the CB t-shirt. ;-D
I’m a loner by nature, but I’ve done the pooling resources thing when my parents moved in with me many years ago. And when my dad passed away a few years ago, I started reaching out to my community of friends when I needed an extra pair of hands or a little more muscle. I’m fortunate to have a handy family member not far away, but equally fortunate to have girl friends who will stop by and help me shlep oversized bags of mulch, trim trees, and rabbit proof my yard. In return they know they can borrow from the large inventory of tools I inherited. It seems to come naturally, but then women have always pulled together, haven’t we?
On July 26, 2009 at 12:34 pm Merry the CB said...
Wait a minute… there’s a CB t-shirt???
On July 26, 2009 at 10:31 am Marta said...
We’re so starved for community in this country, it sometimes seems the only way we can get a fix is from our televisions. Which is pretty darned ironic, since television is, IMHO, a large part of why we lost community in the first place. Its such easy entertainment, isn’t it? No covered dish to prepare or committee to serve on when we’re so exhausted from working so hard to get ahead, not fall behind, or just feed the family.
Years ago, in Montana, we lived near one of the Hutterite communities, a fundamentalist communal branch of Anabaptists. They’re modern about farming and trade on the local economy, but are a closed community, socially isolated from non-Hutterites. Lots and lots of rules. Sounds pretty dreary, doesn’t it?
Imagine my surprise when I ran across a study (early ’80s) showing Hutterite women were the happiest, most content group of woman in the country. Turns out they have a really interesting system. All work is rotated, so there’s no rut to fall in. The highest positions are elected, even the religious leader if I remember correctly. The community eats together after the small children are fed at home (each family has their own ‘house’).
Can you imagine having dinner away from the kids every night? Always having help and support when you need it? Modern medical care paid for? Of course, tv and radio aren’t allowed.
Jenny, if they’re that happy in a supportive community they didn’t pick, think how happy you’ll be in a supportive community you did pick. You’ve proven your ability to create supportive communities right here. The Cherries are an outspoken, fun, intelligent group of all ages, races, incomes, politics, and even sexes. Because you insist we play fair and be polite, we thrive as a community.
Okay, I’m off the soapbox now. Oh, and Bob’s tent may be in the woods, but his dog’s gonna be cuddled up with Sweetness and Light.
On July 26, 2009 at 11:52 am Sure thing said...
Also agree wtih Marta, Gus is probably going to pick the girls.
We have a strong sense of community here. Lots of families have at least one adult child and the child-in-law grandchildren living with them.
As a result friends might be less likely to ask for something because they have family members who can deliver. But its still a community. I love being able to walk down the street and have four different people say hello from their front yards/porches.
On July 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm Melissa Blue said...
It’s always been important in my writing–all those heroines who are alone at the beginning of the book and end up with extensive, extended communities of the family-you-make kind
And this is why I love your books. Never thought of it before now, but it’s how I live. As a kid or teenager I wish to make my own family. Replace my aunt with so and so. Switch my sister to my best friend ’cause really the real one has to be adpoted or an alien from space at how much I have in common. I’ve learned to live with what I’m stuck with, after all they are not so bad–from a distance– but it’s the family I’ve picked up over the years I couldn’t live without. It’s also the type of relationships I write about. Being a writer I crave my isolation, but I would be nothing if when I came out of my cave and no one was there.
Can’t remember which class I was in, they blur after a while, but they talked about community. At least how early civilizations were nothing without community. It’s primal really. I think we’ve been ignoring that primal instinct. At least in America it has become the I and Me civilization. On some level I hope this crisis will make this an US civilization. We are always better that way. Just think of after 9-11. Something as simple as everyone having an American flag somewhere on their car made it feel like WE were all in it together.
So this has gotten long. And I really just wanted to say, great post.
On July 26, 2009 at 12:28 pm Slave Driver said...
We moved away from “home” in 1995, two months after my parents left for Tucson, and a month before my SIL’s moved to Kentucky and N.Carolina. So we have been reinventing our “family” for 14 years now, gathering others who are without their tribes. We’re good with it. It fits our lifestyle. And when the connections don’t work out, or someone flakes on you, there are no awkward moments at family reunions…
On July 26, 2009 at 2:53 pm K.L. said...
Jenny, you do know you have already helped create several very real communities. The Cherries and the CherryBombs. (Yes, we do have our own T-shirt). It may be mostly online, but what we have is real, and it is very important to us. I never expected to belong to something like this, but it is wonderful.
I hope you can get Krissie there soon too. Bob will just have to deal with it. Poor guy. Just stick him in the garage.
On July 26, 2009 at 3:20 pm S said...
What a wonderful idea. I felt so wistful reading about your arrangement. My husband and I are immigrants and know what it’s like to separate from one community and to have to create another. Yours sounds fabulous.
On July 26, 2009 at 5:00 pm Yvonne Lindsay said...
I love your kind of insane.
On July 26, 2009 at 6:51 pm Kieran said...
I find this whole story very touching–to the point of tears as I was reading it–and if this were a TV show, I’d watch it.
On July 26, 2009 at 7:53 pm Mary Stella said...
What a great story. I think you should also pitch it as a television show before someone else beats you to it. It’s like a 2009 updating of Kate and Allie.
You know that old phrase, “Wherever you go, there you are”? (Buckaroo Banzai, maybe?) That’s how I feel about us finding our communities. Over seven years ago, I moved away from my family and my long-time friends to come to the Keys and join an organization/dolphin facility. It was scary. However, I wasn’t merely moving away from what was, I was moving into a community. We’re co-workers and an organization, but we are also a family. That’s what gave me the strength to move away from what I knew into the next phase of my life. I knew this was where I was supposed to be.
(Of course, it helps that the Internet and unlimited minutes on my wireless phone help keep me connected.)
Good luck, Jenny, Lani, kids, and furry family members!
On July 26, 2009 at 7:54 pm Meredith B. said...
I’m 27 years old and I rent a bedroom from my parents. I moved home to take care of my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer just as I graduated from college, and she’s been in remission for a few years now, but I’m still here. I pay rent to maintain my sanity (my parents have never asked for it,) but if I’m honest, I live here to maintain my sanity, too. I don’t know anybody who needs an apartment mate that I could stand to live with, and I’m not very good at living by myself. I tend to get depressed without community. And my mom and I love each other and get along quite well for the most part, so where’s the point in struggling so hard for independence, when interdependence is so sweet? The only catch is that all of my writing has to be done somewhere other than in my house.
If I had a big house, I would fill it with people, too. I wouldn’t be able to help myself.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:43 pm JulieB said...
“so where’s the point in struggling so hard for independence, when interdependence is so sweet?”,
That’s truely beautiful.
On July 27, 2009 at 11:48 am misspiggy don'twannabe said...
My daughter moved home after college to go to a local grad school and then for her first job. It was great.
I overheard her say “my parents are a lot easier to live with now that we’re roommates.” It was absolutely true. She lives 40 miles away now but that extra time together gave us an extra closeness that I’ll always appreciate.
On July 26, 2009 at 8:53 pm Courtney De said...
I’ve lived where I live for about a decade, and almost every single one of the people in my life who I consider my family via friendship, I met at work. Many of them no longer work there, and I may not work there much longer, but we built our own community through that connection-and it’s been wonderful! When you work with somebody (at least in retail, as I do), going to work is sometimes like going to war. You learn who’s got your back in a dogfight, who’ll make you laugh til you cry, who’ll let you be as bitchy as bitchy gets-and love you anyway. From where I work, I moved out on my own for the first time with friends I met there. I found a grandmother who adopted me as one of her own-and whose real granddaughter is now my best friend! A couple of years ago, we had our first marriage of former co-workers, and they now have a beautiful baby boy. We have annual parties and traditions and get-togethers, and I wouldn’t trade any of these people for anything in the world. Communities-however you find them-are precious and wonderful. Congrats on yours!
On July 26, 2009 at 8:54 pm naked under my clothes said...
Bravo, y’all! It’s a fabulously creative solution that meets your needs. Go you.
The other thing I think is fabulous about your new living arrangements, Jenny and Lani, is that it recognizes that a person’s needs change over time. This sounds perfect for you guys for now–ten years ago, it wouldn’t have been, and who knows about ten years from now. And you don’t have to decide that today.
On July 26, 2009 at 9:24 pm Danielle said...
I was really lucky to be born into the kind of community you’re talking about. When you drive down the street people wave, even if they don’t recognize you. I come from a big family too. We have saturdays together where all the nieces come to my moms with all the siblings and spouses too and just hang out. I don’t know what I would do without it! I’m not in a relationship right now and whenever I’m lonely, or don’t want to go grocery shopping by myself, or have a long drive to make its really reassuring to know that a brother or sister will be free to keep me company. The hardest part is to find a partner who fits not only with me but with the family. I love what you guys are doing!
On July 26, 2009 at 10:09 pm MJ said...
I was wondering just the other day what had happened to plans for Clitoris, Oregon.
Congratulations and best wishes!
On July 26, 2009 at 10:56 pm Rosten said...
I just recently bought a house and am living on my own for the first time. I absolutely love it, but part of the reason why it works is because I’m within a mile and a half of my entire immediate family. My mom is a few blocks away, dad and three siblings (2 in their 20s) are a few blocks farther, and my older brother and his wife and daughter live next door to my dad. I shared an apartment with a friend for a couple of years, and although I enjoyed it, I felt that I was too far away from my family (it was a 10 minute drive). It’s wonderful to have that support group, and my lucky niece is surrounded by her aunts and uncles! At the same time, I feel no need whatsoever to share my space right now. Maybe after I’ve been living on my own for a while…
On July 27, 2009 at 12:08 am Ericka said...
I’m so jealous! I moved from Ohio to Chicago for a job and built a social support structure there… Then I moved to Norht Carolina for another job. And after 2.5 years, I’m still completely alone and miserable here. One can only hope that this remains my biggest mistake.
I do not have children and don’t plan to and it occurred to me the other day, as I looked at how silver my dad’s hair is now, that one day soon, I will be alone. It’s scary and horrible and I hate thinking about it, but it’s like a scab that I can’t leave alone. My cousin and I actually made a pact a couple of years ago that when we got older, we’d live close to each other so we wouldn’t be alone. Since our taste varies wildly, we decided that we’d move every three years and we’d take turns picking where. Of course, now she’s married…
So, now that I’ve whined… I agree completely – I thought I was a hermit, until I moved here. It’s led me to a new understanding of myself, and my need for social interaction. Kudos to you and Lani for figuring it out and – most importantly – doing something about it. I hope I manage the same one day.
On July 27, 2009 at 12:18 am Jill said...
I wonder about the phenomenon of www communities. I have invaluable personal communities–family, friends, the town where I live. But the www communities that I have become a part of mean a great deal to me. Cherries and now Wiffers being the prime examples. 99% of our contact is in cyber space. When we meet in real life we ‘know’ each other. We’re friends, we have a history. There are very few cities (and some countries-I have met up with Cherries in Munich,) where you cannot arrange to meet up with a cyber friend. www communities have the good , the bad, and the ugly–same as real life communities. Some people have a cyber face that is totally different than their real life face. But (speaking for myself) web communities are based on mutual interests. For me that basis is reading certain authors.
I cherish my personal communities. My www communities complete me. How’s that for corny ?
On July 27, 2009 at 4:38 pm Melissa Blue said...
You’re on to something. When I first started writing I joined the eharlequin community. Then Cherries. Then Divas. Then Wiffers. I love going to the RWA conference because there is where I get to see members of my communities in person. I can’t tell you how warm and fuzzy I got my first conference and everyone was saying, “You’re Melthegreatest!” I’d be hugged to death or get a scream of excitement. It’s more than putting names to faces. Sigh, I’m so loving this post more.
On July 27, 2009 at 6:40 pm naked under my clothes said...
I’m on Facebook, after much heel-dragging. My sister talked me into it. I’m “friends” with people from my past who I thought I had left behind without a second glance–not in a bad way, but paths cross and then high school/college/job ends, see you around, let go, ta-ta.
And I really enjoy being in contact again. I would never in a million years have said that I “miss” these people. But I’m enjoying having a place to hang out for awhile, where they also happen in and say “hey!” It’s just the right amount of contact for my introverted self who needs a lot of headspace.
I recognize that the communities Jenny creates (in real life and online and in print) work for a lot of people. It’s a little too much for me–but I like living vicariously.
On July 27, 2009 at 12:29 am marge said...
Jenny as much as I still get girl wood for Phin after all this time, what you said about Lani and cookies and Rachel and the girls is whirling like mad in my mind. Toss in the dogs and I’m all, “Phin who?” My 50s are going to be way different, I think.
On July 27, 2009 at 1:55 am Micki said...
Families are so small these days. I mean in the old days, if you had six (or seven, or 12) brothers and sisters, surely you’d get along with one or two of them. My maiden aunt lived with my widowed uncle for decades after she retired from the military. And here, I see my husband’s aunts and uncles watching out for each other, and catching for each other — most of them are within a 25 mile radius of the old farmstead.
And, I lived in a four-generation family that recently became three-generational. I thought I was going to hate it, but I also thought it was temporary, and the best of several options. It turns out, I love it. If my MIL weren’t such an angel, it would never work out (and I’d probably be divorced (-:), but it has worked out so well.
I know a lot of stories of communities that just don’t work — the roommate from hell, the dysfunctional family — but when it works, it really does seem like the natural order of things.
I’m so glad for you guys!
On July 27, 2009 at 10:12 am Eva said...
Moving everyone in is weird? If you are Italian, Indian, Brazilian this is understood immediately. It’s the American thing that says you must go it alone. the good thing about this economic downturn is that people’s priorities are coming clear in the wash. People, not things. Relationships matter.
And your post made me think of this tidbit, from edittorrent,
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/07/from-comments.html
“Here’s my take on the state of reader interest in general. We’ve just come out of almost a decade of a culture of fear. The media would have had us believe that a terrorist lurked in every shadow. And what was popular during that time period? Vampires. Werewolves. Rogue villains being defeated by Navy SEALs. “Get it while you can” erotic romance story types. It all fits with that particular zeitgeist.
And which story types felt less compelling? Low-conflict contemporaries. Anything purely relationship-driven. Small-town sweethearts. Not that these particular story types went away, but they sure weren’t the ones getting the big buzz.
Now we’re in a serious economic situation, and families and friends are pulling together to help each other through it. We’re shifting away from “fear of other” and into “we’re all in it together.” This might be a temporary mindset, but for now, the result is that the conference buzz was about books with weepy family plots (Jody Picoult) and warm, emotional women’s fiction/romance feelings (Kristin Hannah, Susan Wiggs).
But will this perceived trend bloom? Eh. Who knows. Predictions are like assholes, you know. (Or is that, only assholes make predictions?)”
When I read it, your books came to mind. And, personally, I love a large cast that becomes a community.
On July 27, 2009 at 6:12 pm JulieB said...
Your “Culture of fear” analogy is very astute. My local community suffered a tragedy that made national news. When some lawmakers said “We’ll tear down the building,” a sense of, stubbornness? descended. Local reaction said “No.” I think there was a common sense of drawing the line and saying “We’ve lost enough. It’s not about a building. It’s not about a monument. Let us regroup. We’ll figure out what we need.” I think everyone smiles here a lot more.
On July 29, 2009 at 9:56 am Eva said...
Hey Julie, that wasn’t me that said that, but an editor (I’m not so good with quote boxes and such). I agree with you, hers is a very astute analogy.
On July 28, 2009 at 9:11 am McB said...
the conference buzz was about books with weepy family plots (Jody Picoult) and warm, emotional women’s fiction/romance feelings (Kristin Hannah, Susan Wiggs).
Hmmm. Maybe; but, speaking for myself, I tend to avoid those in times of stress. Real life provides enough opportunities to angst and weep. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, to see a surge in movies for the family, fantasy and adventure stuff, and books of similar genre. When people are down, they need heros and something to cheer for. The classic Crusie cast-of-thousands coming together against the Big Bad will fit right in.
On July 27, 2009 at 10:26 am wendy roberts said...
I love hearing about community and so love that thread in all my Jenny books.
I’m thinking we need a Cherry culdesac. One or two houses won’t cut it but maybe a half dozen with a gorgeous gazebo area in the middle of the street for everyone to gather at sunset and talk about their day …
On July 27, 2009 at 6:14 pm JulieB said...
Kind of like this place? http://thewomenscolony.com/
On July 27, 2009 at 12:02 pm Rachel said...
Suddenly I don’t want to move out of my parent’s house when law school is finally (finally!) over! Ok, no really I do.
I completely concur with everything you said. We’re supposed to be a community of family and family-you-make. Whenever I have dreams of winning the lottery, it always it thinking about having this gigantic house for Christmases where every person I have ever met is able to come and stay and just be together.
I love my personal community…it keeps me sane!
On July 27, 2009 at 3:31 pm Renee Somebody said...
Sign me up for the Cherry B&B
Any place with Jenny AND Lani beside it would be wonderful, and Cincinnatti is a great city.
On July 27, 2009 at 6:20 pm JulieB said...
Sorry everyone else this it OT.
Hey! It’s nice to see you Ms. Somebody!
On July 28, 2009 at 1:34 am Renee Somebody said...
Thanks, JulieB
I have a really bad habit of isolating myself when life gets crazy, and I didn’t realize how apart I felt until I read this post today. Thank you Jenny, you so often say things out loud that I have not articulated even to myself.
On July 27, 2009 at 9:17 pm Lori J. said...
Sounds like a plan where everyone wins. I love it.
On July 27, 2009 at 10:59 pm Sara C said...
I just was reading about Barbara Johnstone who studies the stories that women and men tell. She found that women’s stories tend to be about community and men’s stories tend to be about contests.
On July 28, 2009 at 4:24 am YvonneL said...
So that explains the appeal and why people get addicted to a community based contest, like Survivor, I suppose. Meets all our needs as we become more insular and stay at home to watch TV.
On July 28, 2009 at 10:28 am Shar said...
Just sounds wonderful to me, a typical divorced omg the next one is 60 and I don’t feel old, woman. Lonely is just that lonely. Community is wonderful. Enjoy
On July 28, 2009 at 12:53 pm Mrs.MJ said...
Jeez, you made me tear up a little! How fabulous for all of you! You sound like you got a great thing going & to be honest I’m a little envious! I’ve never enjoyed being alone, although some quiet time is good too, but not for long. It must be great to be in a big house full of people you love.
On July 28, 2009 at 1:18 pm Bonnie C said...
Lani – I’m so sorry life kicked you and the girls in the butt, but ecstatic you found such wonderful shelter.
My husband and I have sheltered more than our fair share of friends and family in need/transition and wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ve been asked “why would you *do* that?” to which our general response is “why *wouldn’t* we?”
Good luck to the House of Dogs, Goddesses, and Goddesslettes!
On July 28, 2009 at 6:42 pm Annie said...
Our community of friends lives in basically a compound – a set of small houses on a piece of land. We came together over time and by accident, a couple of people are here only part time. the compound has sustained its members through the deaths of parents, the emergency hospitalization and near death of a beloved sibling, the critical illness of a community member, the emergency hospitalization, recovery and long-term-care finding for a cantankerous parent, the deaths of 4 elderly and beloved dogs, bouts of depression and mania, job changes – the list is very long. we have become a refuge, a place where folks we sometimes know and sometimes don’t know can come to organize themselves (on their way out of the military, heading in and out marriages, getting sober, creating businesses) but it is better than that.
not only is there always, always a dogsitter, but there is always someone to celebrate with. shared sorrow, tribulations – there is a lot of sorrow in the world. shared delight? rejoicing? people who really are as happy for you as they are for themselves? those things are rare.
we have balance – there are enough of us that we keep each other level when chaos threatens. we are kind to each other. and kindness is in short supply these days.
we’re moving. it’s going to be weird, all of us picking up and going together, but – we’re moving. and we’ll be fine. because we’re mostly adultish, and we’re together, and it turns out that we know how to build the thing we need, so if we can’t find another proper compound, we’ll buy some more land and build another one.
we are so lucky. so very lucky.
On July 28, 2009 at 11:13 pm patmcaudel said...
just a tip with the milton vs cat…. we learned with our milton, yelling no cat doesn’t help, yelling no felli works. the dog doesn’t know from cat. the dog does know from cat’s name…….and as you know, all milton dogs are brilliant…
On July 29, 2009 at 9:53 am Eva said...
There’s also another thing going on, that is statistically set to explode within the next ten years. Home churches. The Christian staticians are saying that the age of the mega church is over, and that the next thing will be small communities of like minded people who gather at someone’s house instead of a huge building. No clergy. It’s happening all over all ready. So, the seeking of community is a very accurate assessment. We’re seeking for and making our own tribes.
On July 29, 2009 at 12:26 pm kate said...
I am so happy you started this discussion, because I’ve been on the same wavelength. This whole time, all the dire depression news, I’ve though, “Well, I’m sorry people are suffering, but this strikes me as a -value correction- rather than anything else.”
My husband and I want to have another baby, and we can’t fit one in our tiny house. We’ve lived in community before, and our quality of life in that house was so great, especially for an introverted homebody like me.
We have been talking about buying a house with friends, and raising our families together. It’s so 60s/kibbutzy, but several families in our little church already live within blocks of each other. People share kitchens when they throw big dinner parties, they share babysitting, and vegetables and compost piles.
And I have to say, the best Thanksgiving of my life was spent with “family-by-choice” in that community house in L.A. If there’s anywhere you need to make your own family, it’s L.A.
On July 29, 2009 at 6:06 pm Lindsey said...
I love this post. I’ve always loved the idea of living in a community like Melrose place where all your friends are near you, everyone can drop by to visit and drink and laugh and still have a place of your own to visit. And that someone is there, always, just in case you need them. What a great post!
Although, I’m sorry, my OCD won’t let me sleep tonight unless I mention that “Modern Family” will be on ABC, not CBS. And that it’s possibly the best comedy show to come out in a very long time.
On July 30, 2009 at 10:21 am Jenny said...
Thank you, Lindsey, for the network correction. I had a couple of other shows in there, so I may have collated the network from something else with the wrong show.
And thank you, all of you, for the supportive comments. It’s still working beautifully, so I’m thinking you’re all right and this is the way it was supposed to be, not people living apart. We highly recommend it anyway.
On August 1, 2009 at 4:44 pm Deborah Blake said...
I’m single and live alone (if you can call living with 5 cats alone), but I have a great expended community. I’m a Pagan (a Witch) and lead a circle of seven women who vary in age from 27 to 50-something-not-specified. The core of the group has stayed the same since its inception 5 years ago, although other folks have come and gone. We are more than just friends–we are a large extended family. When we gather for sabbats (holiday rituals 8 times a year), we include the husbands and kids as well, and follow up with a pot-luck feast. We’re there for each other when someone is having a tough time, and we talk on the phone when wer can’t be together. I actually helped a couple of the women to give birth to their children, which was very cool. Now that I have this community, I’m not sure how I ever survived without it.
Jenny–your community sounds wonderful! And I can’t wait to read about the community in your next book–that’s one of the aspects of your writing I love the most.
On August 1, 2009 at 4:56 pm phenila said...
A couple years I moved from a very small town to the big city (for Montana that is.) Since it made economic sense at the time, I moved in with Mom and my brother and we got a slightly bigger rental. Then shortkly after my sister divorced the a## and ‘temporarily’ moved in with her two children. It was a tight squeeze and uncomfortable. Now we pitched in together (though sis made the down payment) and are all paying on a nice seven bedroom home. She plans to have her boy friend and his two children move in also. So our home will have nine people in a nice blended family.
On August 2, 2009 at 10:25 am Kate said...
Wow, this is so refreshing! I know that my younger children – now 8, 9, and 11 will either live with us or be very close. My older children – 21, 20, and 15 don’t quite understand that part yet but they will. We have room to house someone or a family of someones. My older sisters have discussed moving in with each other if the need arises. We would love to have some like minded people to come live with us. We are working very hard to raise as much of our own food as we can. I have put up about 30 jars of pickles so far and frozen over 50 qt bags of veggies.
I agree with you that this is a return to sanity. We need community and we need to be able to rely on each other not be out there on our own floundering. When tough times hit ( and I think this one is here to stay), it’s good for all of us to come together and help in any way we can. Be it family, extended family, made families. My mom often talked about when she was little during the Great Depression they moved in with her mom’s parents. She remembered that often. I talked to my aunt about it recently and she said that you didn’t feel odd because everyone was in the same situation. I think we are going back there. She – the aunt- recalled how they used to put on plays – she, my mom and another sister – for the adults. How fun to have that kind of entertainment.
Take care and thanks for leading the way.
On August 4, 2009 at 5:32 pm Lorrie said...
I so completely agree with you that the group way of living is the normal human way, and what we’ve been doing for the past few decades is the odd and unsatisfying way. For goodness sake, young folks have always lived with parents for many years and even brought home spouses for years while they saved for their own places. ANd in later years, the older generations have always lived with their adult children. My mom-in-law felt badly about moving in with her daughter and I asked her, “why?” She was an integral part of the household, helping with children and chores.
I also want to thank you, though, for giving me a new perspective on a paranormal romance story I’m writing. I actually had not thought of it as a lonely young woman finding her “people,” but in truth, that’s what it is, and it will help me bring those elements together better (now that I’m fully aware of it). So thank you!
On August 6, 2009 at 12:24 pm Lisa O. said...
I love to get on here and see what great people love this site. I love this sense of community but am a loner by nature. My husband, in turn, needs people all time and can’t stand to be by himself. It balances out. We run a youth ministry so, especially in the summer, there’s a contact stream of teenage kids (usually the boys) who gather at our house. The come to play video games and be with eachother since we don’t mind loud musice or kids chatter. But then we also get to teach them how to cook and use a BBQ. They also are great at helping out around the house and doing yard work and eventually the kids come over so much that their parents eventually become our friends too. Some, of the parents do actually want to know who their kids are hanging out with. So while it drives me crazy to have so many people in my house, I love it too and wouldn’t trade my community for anything in the world. We learn as much from them as they do from us.
Did I forget to mention that I have a 3 yr old son as well and my sister has 3 boys of her own. So while Jenny and Lani have a house full of girls, I usually have a house full of boys. I’m jealous of having so many females in one place as I’m completely outnumbered but I do not miss a house full of teenage girs…I remember being the youngest of five girls in one house ages 18-8 and wouldn’t sick that scenario on any one.
On August 10, 2009 at 10:51 am Shar said...
Making community is the name of it. I have neighbors who have included me in their large family and I love it. I have found individuals sharing parts of their life with me, ie., my riding instructor makes sure her computer guru husband is there when I have computer issues. Searching for community is a work, but the payoff is amazing, community is redefining itself daily.