Comments on: Expectations Revised

By: Jessica Week

Jessica Week — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:43:52 +0000

Oooooh yum! I read this with my reader-eyes, not my copy-editor-eyes, so I have no comment about the revisions. Let me just say this is VERY intriguing and soooooo creepy! Love it! I know about four people right off the top of my head who would have clown nightmares for a month, haha! I love the opening with Mab up on the structure…great description and so real.

By: CrankyOtter

CrankyOtter — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 05:07:14 +0000

I’m assuming you have the [in] in the original of this statement:
“the same thing he’d seen [in] Afghanistan trip explosives.”

I see you fixed the bit where he thinks of her as Mab before being introduced, as well as making his thoughts of her less personal and close throughout. Add in more of his staggering around drunk and I agree it kills the unwanted chemistry of the earlier draft.

I’m with Lee in thinking that two shudders in one sentence might be overkill. I had no trouble with rattle and shudder, but have no strong opinion. I would notice the 2 shudders without the strikethrough though – I always re-read sentences with repeated words because 99% of the time it’s my eyes focusing improperly adding the word to the wrong line only to have me run across it again when I finally get to where the author put it.

I didn’t have any problem with the pipe/-s/flute thing, for what it’s worth.

Thanks for sharing with the revisions left intact, I love looking at processes. (Good thing I’m a process engineer…)

By: Reb

Reb — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:25:27 +0000

I like it too! Except for one sentence that really jarred:

Of all the clowns in the park including the Fun-head-topped waste cans and the eight-foot-tall iron-clad twin Fun at the Dreamland entrance, this one was her favorite

This read to me like a tell – oh, the reader needs to know that there are other clowns – not something that Mab would think then.

Definitely less romantic than the first cut, though I can’t quite put my finger on why.

Don’t you love having umpteen beta readers of the first chapter?!

By: Flamingo Cherry/Shawn Reed

Flamingo Cherry/Shawn Reed — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:21:40 +0000

I like it!

By: WapakGram

WapakGram — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:29:13 +0000

Good news: First chapter revision is fascinating and sucks you in.
Bad News: Rest of chapters are a year away.
This is the kind of situation that makes you want to stomp your foot like a small child and say “I want it now.” But proper Crusie readers would never stomp their feet at any age.
So I will just resort to whining since that is so much more mature. I think we get that from Bob’s side of the campfire.

By: JanLo

JanLo — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:18:36 +0000

Much tighter. Agree on the confusion with flute, pipe, etc. On first read, I was thinking smoking pipe, not panpipe. I don’t pick up possible romance vibes between Mab and Ethan now. Can’t wait.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:10:50 +0000

Wow – it’s really interesting to see the mechanics of the revision and how it subtly changes things. For what it’s worth, I’m not getting any romance vibes from Mab and Ethan, I *think* because of the head checking change. Which if you had asked me about it before, I would have not thought that would scream romantic, but now it’s different, and I’m getting ‘buddy’ rather than ‘prospect’.

By: lee

lee — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:47:10 +0000

“With a (rattle) shudder, the cars began moving, heading toward the first turn, gleaming in the lights as they shuddered their way up the incline over the Keep lake, the entire ride rattling as if it were going to fall apart any second, then swooping down into the curves.”

There is a lot of rattling and shuddering – does it still work with fewer repetitions or could you branch out? Of course, what comes to mind is Shake, rattle and roll!

By: Susan D

Susan D — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 14:35:13 +0000

Yes, tighter and better. Especially where the flute clicks into place, as though it’s the last piece needed to set Things in Motion.

By: GatorPerson

GatorPerson — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 02:43:22 +0000

The flute clicked. The metal rod moved. So she should move the rod back into place, not the flute.

Else I like the changes! Absolutely love the robot slowly saying “Mab.”

By: AgTigress

AgTigress — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 17:18:45 +0000

Well, I’m not at all sure what the heck is going on there, but no doubt it will become clearer in later chapters!

The edit is totally fascinating to me, because it is so different from what I am used to. Nothing I have ever published has undergone anything remotely approaching that amount of revision once it has reached the hands of the editor — it is normally just a bit of punctuation tweaking and disagreements about capitalisation, along with the technical issues of getting the headings hierarchies consistent and not muddling up the footnote numbers.
This has to be because of the process of writing fiction as opposed to non-fiction; the whole pattern of the way in which a final text evolves must be completely different.
Thank you very much for letting us see it, Jenny.

By: Marta

Marta — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 05:06:24 +0000

I like the early allusion to Mab’s people and their long-standing conflict with the park.

Something’s tripping me up where Mab glues the flute, though. My brain, probably, but does it now read that the flute clicks into place, followed by Mab pulling it back into place?

And, our wait is down to eleven months, now, isn’t it? Time is flying!

By: Jill

Jill — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 04:49:48 +0000

If Ethan does not know, or use, Mab’s name there is no connection between the two. To know ones name signifies a relationship.

Into the Spam I go.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 01:01:02 +0000

Jill was in the spam folder. The company that woman keeps . . .

Yeah, we probably do need to know where the vest came from. That part was cut so long ago I’d forgetten all about it.

The pan pipes and pan flute are the same thing, but I should probably pick one and stick with it. Thanks, Theresa.

Thanks, Sheri. As long as Ethan doesn’t know Mab’s name, he can’t think of her as Mab. It’s a techie thing.

By: Sheri

Sheri — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:13:19 +0000

I don’t think you need to make ALL the references to Mab impersonal–a couple of time I got a little confused about who you were talking about–Mab, Glenda, or Delpha. And I now have no inclination at all to think that there is any chemistry whatsoever between Mab and Ethan. Great job revamping that whole scene!

By: Theresa

Theresa — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:57 +0000

One detail thing that I noticed. Mab is first attaching FunFun’s pipes, and then it becomes pipe, and then flute. Not sure if it’s supposed to be that way…

By: Jenny

Jenny — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 22:54:17 +0000

Well, hell. I had to put the revisions in by hand and evidently I missed some.

The “she’d have dated him” comment is gone, sorry, Jamie.

And I did change all the Mab references in the final, I just missed that one in this posting, Lana. I think. Off to check.

Back. They were right in the original, I just hadn’t made the changes here. Nice catches, guys.

By: Louis

Louis — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:59:50 +0000

Well now, I do believe that that makes it more interesting.

I am definitely looking forward to this book.

By: robena grant

robena grant — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:38:41 +0000

Oh, I love this, thanks for sharing. There were smiles and occasional chuckles and many questions raised. Can’t wait to get them answered. I was intrigued with Mab’s reference to waiting thirty nine years to get inside the park, and especially “I will belong here”. That gave a little tingle up the spine.

Have to agree with Theresa, I didn’t sense any chemistry between Ethan and Mab.

By: Jamie

Jamie — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:28:45 +0000

Thank you for sharing the revisions. I’m looking forward to the book. I’m glad you kept “If he’d been real, she’d have dated him.”