Comments on: Review: Thin Is the New Happy by Valerie Frankel

By: Jenny

Jenny — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:54:15 +0000

Sorry. I want the archives back, too, along with the preview. But I really like being able to post, so slowly, slowly the plug-ins are going back.

And now . . . here’s Val to respond to your comments in the next post!

By: Jackie

Jackie — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:13:34 +0000

Dear naked Great plan! Life is still interesting isn’t? I remember one family gathering where I was constantly worried my 10 year old ADHD son was going to misbehave, be hurt by some unthinking remarks about his nonstandard behavior, etc. A woman who introduced herself as a retired school teacher said “Just relax – you can’t do anything anyway and you’re making it harder on him and you both.” After much private talking to myself I managed to let him out of my sight. He and 2 other boys showed up an hour later, arms around each other’s necks, grins on their faces, cars in their hands and dirt from head to foot. That wise woman was right. All I needed to do was relax.

By: naked under my clothes

naked under my clothes — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:17:53 +0000

You know, along the lines of not reading (or not buying into) beauty magazines…I have been much happier since trying this:

Stop relating to other women (men, too, but it’s usually women) on the basis of weight and diet.

Stop scoping out whether we’re the biggest (or smallest!) woman in the room. Stop standing at the buffet line saying “I shouldn’t eat this because it’s not on my diet but I’ll be wicked.” Stop talking about how calories you eat standing up don’t count, or how if someone brings baking into the office, all the calories go to HER hips.

Just stop.

Instead, talk about something else. Ask the person who brought in baking how she manages to fit everything into her day. Ask the person at the buffet if she enjoys living in this city or working at her job. Ask where she got that fabulous scarf or her purple bag or if those shoes are at all comfortable. Ask if she’s read Jenny’s new book or seen the new movie.

You people who are good at small talk will have an easier time with this. I am NOT good at it but found that relating through food was reliable. Now I don’t do that–I just don’t discuss food (in the context of sin) or weight with people–and have a harder time starting up conversations. But I am determined to do it.

By: talpianna

talpianna — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:16:35 +0000

There are actually websites out there that “support” anorexics and bulemics by encouraging their behavior and giving them techniques for concealing it from parents, doctors, etc.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:48:04 +0000

Val’s going to be in on Thursday with a new post. In the meantime, I’m having computer problems and vet trips and I think the Mercury retrograde has my name written all over it. Never had so many things go wrong all at once.

ARGH.

Carry on.

By: AgTigress

AgTigress — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:58:44 +0000

Sigh. Words DISAPPEAR from other parts of a sentence when one edits something completely different.

Correct this sentence thus:
“…the dangers of anorexia and other eating disorders in one BREATH AND THE DANGERS OF untrammelled obesity in the next, no wonder people get panicky and, above all, confused.”

When can we have the preview function back?

By: AgTigress

AgTigress — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:54:27 +0000

I hadn’t thought about the fashion/beauty magazine influence, probably because I have never bothered to read such magazines (always thought they were boring – and idiotically expensive), but I can see how they would be a de-stabilising influence for many.

Throwing one more thing into the mix: for young people especially, in this country (and, I am sure in the USA as well), there is a steady bombardment today of *apparently contradictory* messages. When not only the news media, but also official government sources are shrieking endlessly about the dangers of anorexia and other eating disorders in one untramelled obesity in the next, no wonder people get panicky and, above all, confused.

I know that the messages are not really contradictory – they are all actually trying to say, ‘eat and exercise in a proper and healthy way, so that your weight is appropriate for your height and build – avoid extremes’. But young people, especially, have a tendency to take things to extremes, because they want to stand out in some way. If thin is good, they think (and the fashion industry clearly agrees), the thinner the better.

I think it all can sound, to young girls, as though they are being told to be thin (because obesity is bad), and then being berated for trying follow that order (because anorexia, bulimia and the whole ghastly array of food fears are ALSO bad and wicked and all the rest) – a kind of damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t scenario. These messages, however mistakenly, are seen as contradictory, and lay a perfect basis for an ongoingly tense and nervous relationship with food.

By: Kira

Kira — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 08:50:22 +0000

I was thinking about writing about how strengthening stomach muscles can make a big difference to appearance and overall health, and then I realized – in previous generations, people were unattractive and that was it, while our generation believes that everyone can better themselves with effort. That’s a wonderful thing, that we believe that everyone has it in them to look attractive, with the right exercise, diet, hair, makeup, clothing and bearing. But it also has a dark side – if you don’t make the effort …

By: Marilyn K.

Marilyn K. — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 03:04:30 +0000

I’m like Jill. I was thrilled when I finally hit 102 lbs. Could not find clothes that fit and this would bring me to tears. My mother would sew clothes for us girls. She actually made jeans. Of course they were not name brands, but they fit. I’ll always love and appriciate my Mother for her understanding and love for us. Fast forward 30 years and 3 children. I am 140 lbs. and 5′6″. Still nothing on top or the bottom. Just a gut and some wieght in the upper arms. I think this is an apple shape and the most at risk shape. I’ve had people ask me if I’m pregnant. I was stunned at this because of my age and just had to laugh. I worked with several women back in the early 90’s that had their stomach stapled (tech. term?) These women where not happy afterwards. Who could be happy eating a tablespoonful of food and then throwing it up? They also looked like death warmed over and the too rapid wieght lost left them with wrinkles and excess skin. So some of these women had more surgeries to remove the skin. Personally, I’ll keep my gut and be happy for it. No lypo or crazy diets for me.

By: talpianna

talpianna — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 23:46:35 +0000

When I was a freshman in college, my P.E. teacher once called me into her office and told me that I was the most unattractive girl on campus. She wanted to put me on some sort of weight-loss program, but this did not exactly inspire me to have confidence in her as a mentor.

By: Jill (not the usual Jill that posts here)

Jill (not the usual Jill that posts here) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 23:28:19 +0000

Okay, this is the umpety-eth comment, but I just wanted to say I really appreciated everyone sharing their story. I am looking at this at the other end of the telescope. I am a “thin” daughter with an overweight mother. Kudos to all those women who are fighting the good fight to not beat themselves up in front of their children, esp. their daughters.
My mother has struggled and been unhappy with her weight for as long as I can remember. It’s really hard to know what to say b/c she is constantly upset about her weight. I think the hardest thing for me, other than the fact I can’t do anything to help, has been that I feel like she gets some weird ego boost from me being thin and that my looks do more for her happiness than anything I have accomplished in life. That makes me sad. Praise your children for who they are, not what they look like.

By: McB

McB — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:08:46 +0000

No parental issues here. My parents wanted us to be healthy and happy and capable of supporting ourselves. Full stop. Yes, I do know how blessed I am. My weight issues stem from a love of food battling a low metabolism. Also, I’d rather have a root canal than go jogging. When my weight goes up, it’s my own doing.

Sorry to break with the general tone. Being too short for my weight is about as close as I can come to blaming my parents.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:15:22 +0000

I am one of 5 daughters, All of whom were told by our mom we are beautiful. But our dad only saw 2 of us as beautiful and we all knew it. And we were all lazy in his eyes as well because we wouldn’t live our lives as he thought we should. My Dad passed away about 2 years ago after being an alcoholic all of his life. And what I was left to think about his legacy and his life was that he wasted it in paying attention to surface things like looks and “should do” and what people thought. He was never happy because he was always looking outside himself for satisfation and validation. He never got control of his life becuase he was trying to control the uncontrollable (his children). And he lost most of us in the process.
I found it interesting that we’re not the only ones who struggles with our father’s negativity about our looks.

I was also noticing a tendancy to paint a parental relationship in terms of the weight issue when it is always more complex than that. Is it because we feel so insecure about our physicality or our relationship with our parents?

By: JanLo

JanLo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:11:11 +0000

I can commiserate with all of the posters so far. I’ve lost and found the same 50 to 80 pounds at least six times in my 60 odd years and kept it off for up to two years at a time. Then I’d get tired of concentrating so hard on counting calories, weighing food, and reading every label, and get angry that I couldn’t eat like other “normal” people, say to hell with it and the weight would creep back on.
Yes, it would be easier on my knees, hips, and back to weigh less. Yes, I could trim down the 5-6 different sizes in my closet, and yes, I would look better. But, I’m tired of fighting it day after day. I went to Curves 3 times a week for a year without missing once. Lost 0 pounds but gained 0 pounds.
I’ve decided to accept who and what I am. If I lose weight eating a healthy, low-fat, low-carb diet, so be it. Frankly, I have too many other things to do than agonize over my bodyfat index. But deep down does it form part of my self image? Yes, of course. Did I have one of those mothers who commented on every pound? Yes, I did. Will I read the book you recommended? Maybe, if I can get it together for one more effort.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:40:26 +0000

That’s a great point about fashion and beauty magazines. I gave them up when I stopped going on the road since I’m basically wearing jeans or long dresses all the time now and make-up is for other people. I fast forward past the beauty ads on TV, too (although I’d slow down for the great Dove ads), in the same way I fast forward through car ads (I love my car and I’m keeping it forever) and the Cialis/Viagra ads (bleah). Thank God Hobby Lobby does not advertise on TV.

I’ll put up Val’s post this week, so make sure you ask anything or bring up any topic you’d like her to talk about, although I’m thrilled with the stuff that’s already here. Argh People never fail.

By: McB

McB — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:13:15 +0000

I have a big problem with books and magazines touting some sure-fire, easy, drop 20 pounds in 7 days method of weight loss. It’s always some program you can’t actually live on/with so it sets people up to fail. But instead of recognizing that the article or book was flawed, people think it must be them, that they failed. Grrr. Weight loss is not easy. It requires a life style change. It requires changing your attitude, making different choices, and sticking with all of that even when life has gone south in six different ways. It’s HARD. And I speak as someone who has been there and done that. Ultimately I went with Weight Watchers as being the most sensible. They impressed me because they don’t tout easy answers and fast results. Even then I ‘fell off the wagon’ a few times over the years. I’m at a good place now. I’ll never be skinny but I like my body. Different things work for different people, but my main point is that there is no quick fix and it’s not just a question of will power.

By: Jenyfer Matthews

Jenyfer Matthews — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:17:13 +0000

So I stopped reading all the magazines that didn’t tell me how to make things. Anything that offered a quick fix for my hair or my food or my relationship with my kids or my husband – GONE. And I got happier. And I stopped feeling slightly inadequate about everything. (yes, EVERYTHING, even stuff that wasn’t under discussion in the magazine.)(Does that say something about how brainwashed I was? yes.)

{…}My dearest and smartest friend pointed out that all the magazines at the checkout stand had completely contradictory things on the cover. Lose 10 lbs in a Week/Make this SuperFudge Cake Tonight. Declutter your Kitchen/Flea Market Finds.

THIS!

I was never a regular reader of fashion/beauty magazines but one the occasions I did, I always found myself crabby, disgruntled, and discontent. So now I don’t. I don’t need all the mixed messages. And I don’t believe that the cellulite lotion is going to make my butt look 14 years old either.

I’m much happier with quilting magazines.

By: Jill

Jill — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 02:05:36 +0000

“But once you are post menopausal, your oestrogen levels are linked to the amount of body fat you have. The more fat, the higher your oestrogen levels are likely to be.”

Yup, that’s me.

““About one to two-thirds of all breast tumors have estrogen receptors and depend on estrogen for growth. That is why doctors often prescribe the anti-estrogen Tamoxifen for women who have estrogen-receptor positive breast tumors.”

Again , that’s me. Except that I am on Femara, which does the same thing. If it is found that the Femara does not work (and all indications are that it is) I have already been tested and Tamoxifen will work for me.

I should be celebrating that the cancer is being wiped out by one little pill . But, oh no, I am bitchin’ about the weight gain and hot flashes–I mean power surges.

By: AgTigress

AgTigress — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 22:30:45 +0000

‘…fat may be protective for pre-menopausal women, but may have the opposite effect after the menopause…’

Unfortunate, then, that it is AFTER menopause that formerly slim women so easily put on weight. Nobody ever said life was fair.

By: lee

lee — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 21:32:16 +0000

My history doesn’t bear repeating, it looks familiar and many have said it better.

I can speak to the people who ask how to change an industry – whether Hollywood, fashion or women’s magazines. Let’s focus on magazines. The simplest thing is to remove them from your life.

Contemplate for a moment the revenue model for magazines; they have to publish a new issue every month or so, supported by advertising. The worst offenders are the ones where the advertising drives content within the magazine. This means that the whole magazine exists to sell me things from the advertisers. The sorry fact is that when I am happy I don’t buy stuff (not random advertised stuff – mostly I do grocery shopping when life is good) I do things that make me happy again. When I am worried, I buy stuff to make myself less worried and happier. The only way the advertisers win is to make me, the reader, unhappier and more worried and more in doubt about myself, and then sell me a solution.

Taking a two year break from all magazines has made me a much more critical reader. My dearest and smartest friend pointed out that all the magazines at the checkout stand had completely contradictory things on the cover. Lose 10 lbs in a Week/Make this SuperFudge Cake Tonight. Declutter your Kitchen/Flea Market Finds.

How can we change this? Don’t buy them. Don’t buy into the issue they propose you be concerned with. Band together with your friends and allies, and be concerned about stuff that really matters to you. Then work to fix it. It doesn’t change an industry, except when enough people do it. But it can certainly make a huge difference in your own life. And since that is what you are living, where better to make a difference?

sorry for the rant, and it is only tangentially apropos, but the question was raised repeatedly how we can change the message we are getting, and really, I think we can’t, we just change the message we accept.