Review: The Action Heroine’s Handbook
Sep302007
Since I’m trying to organize my life, I’m also trying to read my way through the books that have accumulated in my TBR pile. And I thought that maybe I’d review the ones I read here because I need to organize this blog, too, and a review thread seems serious and focused. But the first book I picked up . . . well, even if I hadn’t intended to review things here, I’d have talked about this one: The Action Heroine’s Handbook.
My big problem was that I thought it was a sequel to The Worst Case Scenario book, so I thought I was going to learn something; that is, it’s a sequel to The Action Hero’s Handbook and I mixed that up with the WCS books which was what the publisher intended since the format is the same. So I was appalled as I paged through looking for actual content. Once I realized that it was supposed to be funny, I tried it again, but the problem is, it’s not funny. At least, it’s not funny the way the authors intended. So not informative, not funny, a real opportunity for a terrific book wasted.
The subtitle is How to Win a Catfight, Drink Someone Under the Table, Choke a Man with Your Bare Thighs, and Dozens of Other TV and Movie Skills, but even if you define “Action Heroine” as “Movie Action Heroine,” I am hard-pressed to determine why there’s a section titled “How To Hook A Millionaire.” Marilyn Monroe was not an action heroine. Or the section headed “How To Give Birth Under Pressure.” Because giving birth normally has no pressure. So this section is to tell the Action Heroine how to push and disarm the bad guy, too? How to give birth on the run? Nope, it’s just an explanation of how to give birth if you’re not near a hospital. So their definition of “action heroine” seems to be so loose as to be non-existent which pretty much makes the book about some things some women have done in some movies. Which means we get an appendix headed “Action Heroine Hairstyles,” including “The Ripley” (that was a hairstyle?). And a section on how to go undercover with three options: Beauty Queen, Prostitute, and a Man. Because that covers the kinds of situations a heroine might find herself needing a disguise for? How are we defining “action heroine” again? The instructions for going undercover as a man include the helpful advice to “assume a manly posture,” use masculine phrases like ‘What’s up?,” “Dude,” and “man,” and order beer not spritzers, so the sexism goes both ways. Not helpful, not funny, lame.
The thing is, this could have been a good, fun book. Appendix A is Handbag Essentials, and they could done some fabulous things with that. Instead we get:
Nail File:
A metal nail file has multiple uses for the manicured heroine on the move. A double-sided file may be used:
As a tool for eye-gouging
To file one or two nails to a sharp point
As a lock pick, in combination with a bobby pin.
Okay, what have we learned here, campers? Nothing we didn’t already know. Did they think they were the first people to look at a nail file and say, “You know, I could do some serious damage with this thing”? If this is a handbook, don’t tell me I can use a bobby pin and a nail file to pick a lock, show me how to pick the damn lock.
Or there’s “How To Win a High Speed Chase in High Heels and a Bustier.” Because those bustiers can really slow you down. Really, “How to Run in High Heels” could have been useful and funny but this is neither. Here are the section headings:
Assume the sprinter’s stance.
Push off from the ball of your front foot and hit your stride.
Regulate your breath.
If the bustier is not giving you sufficient support, alternate your arm action to restrict breast movement.
Create a diversion with your breasts.
When you catch your quarry, use your shoes as weapons.
Think how funny and useful this could have been–I could do two pages alone on how to create a diversion with your breasts–and then look what they did with it.
And it goes downhill from there. Use a panty liner as a bandage (those things are thin so I don’t think so); as a writing surface for jotting down notes (oh, please), and as sleep mask “after you’ve save the world” (if I’ve just saved the world, I’m getting more than a panty liner for my freaking sleep mask.) Use your nail polish to write notes (try this at home). Blow up twelve condoms and use them as a flotation device (I’m drowning, but I have twelve condoms in my purse so I’m going to blow them up one at a time as I tread water and . . .) And my fave, “How To Choke a Man With Your Bare Thighs” which made me first ask “Why do they have to be bare?” and then realize that for most of us it would be “How to Smother a Man with Cellulite.” And even then, you have to get him down there . . .
There’s some serious advice in here—the giving birth section is really informative and they had experts weigh in on some of the topics—but that jars with the ridiculous stuff that’s probably intended to be funny but isn’t, so I never figured out what kind of book it was, but as author, I’m looking at it and thinking, “It could have been so good.” It could have given honest, useful advice that was funny, too, so that people learned while they laughed. It could have really said something about what the archetype of action heroine means while keeping tongue in cheek and advice sound. Even the old, “Put your keys in your fist with the ends poking out between your fingers to turn your hand into a weapon” thing is better than 95% of the stuff in this book. Missed opportunities: The bookstores are full of them.
So because I know you’ll do this anyway, what entries would you put in the Argh Ink Heroine’s Handbook? Useful info, please. Funny optional and probably unavoidable.
Oh, and since this is a review, I have to say that I don’t recommend The Action Heroine’s Handbook. On a scale of one to five cherries, good being five, it gets none.
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60 Comments to 'Review: The Action Heroine’s Handbook'
On September 30, 2007 at 2:53 pm Lily C said...
Carry cigarettes even if you are a non-smoker. Always handy for bribing guards.
Pack on the assumption you will never see the rest of your luggage again. Keep essentials with you. Pack anything that could leak in ziplock bags.
Baby wipes are a godsend.
Mark the top round in your magazines so you can tell if one’s fallen out.
Drink plenty of water.
Lastly, to quote an anonymous Marine, if you can keep your head whilst all around you others are losing theirs, chances are you’ve overlooked something really, really important…
On September 30, 2007 at 3:10 pm Jenny said...
I’m so non-action oriented that when Lily put “Mark the top round in your magazine . . .” I thought of Entertainment Weekly and Real Simple.
I will never be an action heroine.
On September 30, 2007 at 3:25 pm Sheryl said...
I’m with you, Jenny. I was wondering how I’d see the mark on the top round if the magazine had fallen out. Was that so I could identify it later?
I used to always carry a Swiss Army knife in my purse because it was incredibly useful at a picnic(corkscrew and knife) but also for small repairs in the car. I had to give one to security at the airport many many years ago so now the replacement lives in my car. Not a lot of call for a corkscrew while driving but I am ever hopeful that a sexy man will knock on my car window at a gas station. I’ll make sure he has twelve condoms for flotation devices before I go anywhere with him.
On September 30, 2007 at 3:35 pm RfP said...
Carry bungee cords. Not just in your car. In your purse. They’re strangely useful at the office. And when shopping. And buying takeout. And hunting for easter eggs. And changing from work clothes for a date. And….
On September 30, 2007 at 3:41 pm Lily C said...
Sorry, Sheryl, it was bad English. If you mark the top round, you can tell at a glance if your magazines are full. If the marked round isn’t there, you know you’ve lost one, and it might be the one round that saves the heroine from her evil nemesis. She’d notice if she lost a whole magazine….
On September 30, 2007 at 4:00 pm Jenny said...
I really want to know how RfP uses bungee cords to change clothes. I think.
On September 30, 2007 at 4:03 pm Kenzie said...
Always have a pair of nylons onhand, these can turn into a makeshift fan belt, a strainer, a tourniquet, restraints, a gag or even a disguise–in case you have to do an emergency B and E.
On September 30, 2007 at 4:08 pm Louisa said...
FYI
You can’t really do as much damage with a nail file as you might like. At least I couldn’t.
On September 30, 2007 at 4:14 pm Libby said...
So I don’t have any super heroine recommendations (I’m way too clumsy to carry anything that could possibly be a weapon!) but I’m so glad you revealed the truth behind this book because it’s something I would definitely buy. Thank you!!! It’s super frustrating to bring a book home you’re excited about, only to have it dash all of your hopes.
I had it happen to me a few years ago to the tune of $20 for a writer’s reference book (all it did was make fun of writers, which wasn’t exactly what I needed). Needless to say, I was pissed!
If you need a no nonsense kick a$$ book for women, check out A Girl’s Gotta Do What a Girl’s Gotta Do. I loved it! It’s more self defense, but it shows you how to use your head and not be a victim.
On September 30, 2007 at 4:44 pm Sheryl said...
Remind me to stay on Louisa’s good side. Can’t say I’ve ever tried to use a nail file as a weapon. A spray bottle of perfume/cologne could come in handy though..
On September 30, 2007 at 5:01 pm ZaZa said...
Well, the book may not have been funny, but your review was. Which raises the question, why don’t you write one of these? Find yourself some kickass, female, self-defense kind of expert and do a collab on this one…in your multitude of spare time.
Or you could add the motto of the heroine in my current WIP, “When in doubt, empty the clip.” I think it was inkgrrl who either gave me this or gave me an approximation. And a novella was born. Isn’t it amazing how a little thing can trigger a story idea???
Follow your instincts is a good one. People have their aggressive moves countered because they telegraph their intent. When you don’t even think about it, your reptilian brain will get them every time. I know this from personal experience, many personal experiences. It’s a woman’s best defense because men (or other aggressors) aren’t expecting a woman to be able to defend herself, let alone make the first move. It freaks them out. /;+)
On September 30, 2007 at 5:09 pm robena grant said...
Well, I think any action heroine worth her salt would carry a pen knife and ball point pen (just in case she’s in the Amazon or the Outback or somewhere equally as isolated) and she needs to save the hero’s life by performing a cricothyrotomy.
If he can’t breathe because of a foreign object obstructing his upper airway, or has severe swelling (ate shellfish and he’s allergic, or some other dumb reason and is turning purple and about to kark) she can make an incision at the cricothyroid space, just below the Adam’s Apple and insert the shell of the ball point pen.
Of course the area of incision is fraught with blood vessels and the hero might bleed to death or she might cut through a nerve or something … actually this procedure is illegal to do without a medical license. But just in case, always good to carry a pen, an action heroine would deal with the legalities later.
On September 30, 2007 at 5:13 pm robena grant said...
Forgot to say, this made me laugh out loud. Especially the last sentence.
And my fave, “How To Choke a Man With Your Bare Thighs” which made me first ask “Why do they have to be bare?” and then realize that for most of us it would be “How to Smother a Man with Cellulite.” And even then, you have to get him down there . . .
On September 30, 2007 at 5:15 pm Egads said...
Can’t say I’ve ever tried to use a nail file as a weapon. A spray bottle of perfume/cologne could come in handy though…
I am so not an action hero. I read this and thought and it kills bugs too. (As will a lot of aerosols like hairspray or windex.) I really should watch some old episodes of MacGyver. That’d give me some ideas.
Er…I once read that steel wool* is coated with something that makes it useful for kindling, in case any of you ever need dry kindling. (And what action heroine won’t need to start a fire sometime? Especially after she rescues the male from the icy water and has to warm him up fast. Oh wait, that’s the take the clothes off scene. Nevermind.)
*That’s regular steel wool, not the blue, soap-coated stuff in the kitchen. Not sure what will happen with the latter.
On September 30, 2007 at 5:16 pm J said...
Sorry if this appears several times, am having problems posting.
I got the Action Hero’s Handbook as a present one birthday, and it was more of what this one should have been, but just flipping through the Action Heroine’s book in the store was enough to get me to stay away.
I’ve heard that umbrellas can be useful as weapons.
And yes, an analysis of the purse or handbag would be very good if done well, all sorts of neat gadgets you can fit inside a purse now.
And robena grant, the pen would also serve a dual purpose as a weapon, in a similar way to the keys that Jenny mentioned.
On September 30, 2007 at 5:17 pm Mary the CB said...
All I can think is that there must be some sort of Wallace & Gromit contraption, with the new clothes being held up by bungee cords. The heroine would leap toward the new outfit. In mid-leap, she’d doff her old clothes, then spring (literally) into the new outfit. The rebound would lift her (and her newly donned clothes) off of the bungee hooks, and away she would go.
Okay, RfP, I’m out of guesses. How do you change clothes with bungee cords? (For that matter, how did Batman and Robin begin sliding down those poles in one outfit, and arrive at the bottom in totally different outfits? I mean, didn’t they have to keep holding on to the pole while they were changing clothes?)
On September 30, 2007 at 5:18 pm Rox said...
I’ve always thought my Size 17 wooden knitting needles would serve me well in case of a vampire encounter.
Elizabeth Zimmermann author of The Opinionated Knitter and other great knitting tomes said, “A #6 aluminum needle has been known to furnish an excellent emergency shearpin for an outboard motor. It once saved us seven miles of paddling.”
Plus, given a strong enough cable (I tend toward flimsy, flexible cables myself), a long circular needle might be a great way to garrote someone.
On September 30, 2007 at 5:33 pm Louisa said...
Robena–your post impressed and tickled me. Around here, Outback is a steakhouse, and Amazon is either an online bookstore, or that vegan joint on Vine Street. Hee hee.
I think, basically, anything they won’t let you take onto an airplane or into jury duty
would make a good weapon.
Or, you could just negotiate.
On September 30, 2007 at 5:38 pm Jenny said...
Kark?
On September 30, 2007 at 5:50 pm Lani said...
Oh, honey. Hairspray. You can give your updo a little extra support, use it as a firethrower, and it makes fast work of blinding an attacker.
Of course, you have to find aerosol hairspray for the last two to work. So first you’ve got to build that time machine…
On September 30, 2007 at 5:50 pm RfP said...
The bungees…. Mary the CB is a lot more inventive and action heroinesque than I. Also more mechanically inclined. (And yes, Mary, Batman and Robin do it with bungees.)
It’s much simpler than that. Changing clothes in a tiny restroom cubicle is easier with a couple extra hooks thrown over the walls. (And should I need to escape the restroom via a ceiling vent, I’m all set.)
A bungee can hang an evening outfit–or a drying swimsuit–out of sight behind a desk or door. (Ditto a cat burglar suit. Mrowr.)
A small-size
garottebungee is a great hair accessory. And a subtle threat… like a sharpened chopstick through an updo.And one day when I forgot my bra–no, that didn’t happen. Though once a bungee and a scarf became a shoulder bag in which to hide gym gear. (It’s better to hand the coat clerk a funny-looking purse than a pile of sweat-stained undergarments. Or a Glock.)
Plus, I’m sure a genuine action heroine could use bungee cords to tie up a guard and abseil down a building to escape a
bad dateheat-packin’ mofo.And bungees can be carried on a plane.
On September 30, 2007 at 6:13 pm misspiggydon'twannabe said...
I carry small packets of pepper in my purse. You never know when you might come across a bland Bloody Mary.
On September 30, 2007 at 6:31 pm GatorPerson said...
In a purse for peace of mind, safety, and self defense:
A small screwdriver (good for gouging eyes, temples, throats)
A miniature Swiss army knife (good for lots of bloody things)
A 10-ft retractable tape measure (what size is that coffin?)
Credit card, debit card, cash (some dollar bills for vending machines), coins (gotta have a soft drink and Nabs)
Keys, whistle, cell phone, driver’s license
3-4 Safety pins, 3-4 bandaids, 3-4 ibuprofen, pack of tissues, candy bar, pen, small notebook
And, yes, I do carry most of those things, but no marked or unmarked magazines.
On September 30, 2007 at 6:33 pm robena grant said...
Kark? Die. He he. (I think I slipped into an old Aussie nurse expression, I imagine it to be the last gasping sound before death … kark! unless of course you’re drowning and then it would be … glug!)
MPDW, I carry salt tied into a tiny bit of plastic wrap in my wallet at all times. If I’m in bad company, truly evil company, I can get my salt out and ward off the evil by sprinkling it around me. So if you ever see me sprinkling salt you’ll know I’ve got your number. Heh.
On September 30, 2007 at 6:52 pm Charlene Teglia said...
Hmm. I think my one action heroine tip would be the fighting stance that doesn’t look like a fighting stance, so you can move into it without looking aggressive and escalating a situation. But I can’t seem to find a description of it online to link to. (Kenpo cat stance) I guess my next tip would be sign up for Kenpo if you need a quick course in dirty fighting. Also good for weight loss!
On September 30, 2007 at 7:17 pm Becky said...
“Plus, given a strong enough cable (I tend toward flimsy, flexible cables myself), a long circular needle might be a great way to garrote someone.”
Is it weird that I was just thinking this yesterday? I bet a Turbo would do the trick. Get yourself a nice brown or red tweed on those suckers afterward and no one would ever notice or think to look for blood stains.
On September 30, 2007 at 8:03 pm Andi said...
I like the word garrote. It sounds so much smarter and more sophisticated than the common stab. I would consider garrote-ing someone, but I’d never stab anyone.
Lani beat me to the hairspray idea, so I’ll say dental floss would be a must have… clean teeth and that stuff is strong and can be very sharp if wrapped around a person’s wrists or ankles. It always leaves deep grooves in my fingers, or maybe I floss too aggressively.
On September 30, 2007 at 8:06 pm me said...
Robena: you could also use the salt to rub into the bad guy’s paper cut, which you inflicted with a check from the checkbook in your purse if you weren’t able to buy him off with said check (or even if you could, and were in a bad mood and thought he deserved it). Also good for emergency margaritas and to kill slugs. Someone also said pepper. That could be used to blind someone, or at least make them sneeze uncontrollably. Hard to chase someone when sneezing.
On September 30, 2007 at 9:55 pm Brandy said...
I always carry matches, you never know when you’ll need to start a fire! (And I don’t even smoke!)
On September 30, 2007 at 10:16 pm Jenny said...
I always knew you guys were dangerous. I just didn’t realize how VARIED dangerous you were.
On September 30, 2007 at 11:18 pm CC said...
Don’t know much about being an action heroine but I do know basic survival- after all this is Colorado and you never know what Mother Nature is going to do from one hour to the next. So I always carry: candle; fire, both matches and a flint; blanket; bottled water; granola bars; crank flashlight; basic tools; and dental floss. I also keep one of these http://www.survival.com/best.htm in my glove box.
On September 30, 2007 at 11:54 pm Jamie H said...
As an action heroine, I’d feel it necessary to always carry chocolate with me. Part of being a heroine is protecting others at your cost, right? Well, you never know when you’re going to need to protect someone from your wrath with a dose of the good stuff.
And if they’re truly deserving, you can gag them with the wrapped bar (make sure to cover up the nostrils, too) until they are unconscious from lack of oxygen. Then you can rip into the chocolate to calm down.
On October 1, 2007 at 1:39 am Lily C said...
Peter O’Donnell wrote some great action heroine stuff in the Modesty Blaise series during the Sixties. I remember her having a wooden hair accessory she could wrap her hand around and use to disable evil henchmen. Well worth a read if you’d like a female James Bondesque caper/adventure.
I’ve heard some people carry tampons for gunshot wounds, but I’m a bit dubious myself.
And one of the best bits of advice I ever heard is if you want to punch someone on the nose, aim for the back of their head. You can make it apply to lots of things in life.
On October 1, 2007 at 2:44 am Strop said...
I’m with GatorPerson on the notebook and pen, and basic first aid supplies (I usually have at least antiseptic wipes in my bag, if not more).
If out in lonely fields seeing to horses, my sister advises always carrying a sturdy knife which, if you are stopped by police, you can claim is your chopping carrots and opening hay bales knife.
Oh, and I always carry boiled sweets rather than chocolate. Having a few Werther’s Originals rattling round in the bottom of my handbag has shut up many a complaining child, and they don’t go soggy in warm weather.
On October 1, 2007 at 3:07 am patmc said...
…make sure you have at least 3 keys on your keyring, 4 is better, to fit between your finges, and your hand clenched in a fist….if you have a shoulder bag, wear it under your jacket or overcoat/raincoat. if someone comes behind you, that magic heel of your foot onto the top of theirs, your head a fast whap backward (his nose into rest of head) …and the ever popular don’t carry a weapon you can not or do not intend to use.
if worried about eating alone in a coffee shop/ restaurnt never sit with your back to the door. i learned this from personal experence of 30 yrs of marriage to the fed. my back to the door is ok, long as it is not his! what a guy…
On October 1, 2007 at 3:53 am micki said...
I don’t have anything really for the modern action heroine, but I’d like to whine about what we’ve lost over the last 50 years. Who carries hairspray in their purse anymore? Who has a bobbypin handy for lock picking? Our purses are so full of electronics, slugging a badguy with them could be a financial catastrophe. And umbrellas. Folding umbrellas for your purse just don’t have the range of a good, old-fashioned Mary Poppins-style brollie.
Then again, we’re not making 28 cents to every dollar a man makes, so maybe we are making some progress.
On October 1, 2007 at 7:43 am Deb said...
“How To Win a High Speed Chase in High Heels and a Bustier.”
Simple, really. Take the damn “do-me” shoes off. We Action Heroines instinctively know this.
On October 1, 2007 at 8:05 am Bonnie said...
While I already own the book since I seem to collect weird survival guides ( When the zombies rise and the robots attack I will be ready.) Considering I have a conflict aversion don’t think I will ever be an action herione but for my day to day life I tend to carry around a sharpie and a stack of 3*5 cards, which are useful for story ideas, exchange of information with people and my personal favorite “If I give you this to color you will be patient while your mother brings us the food we have ordered.” That’s my purse though when I travel I have this little green bag that is packed with everything to extra shampoo to sea salt in case I suddenly have to protect us from evil demons or rampaging snails.Never have alas. But despite my urge to carry it all with me (my friends do not mock since I have pulled some fairly necessary stuff out of my bag when it is needed) I think the most useful thing an Action heroine can have is a brain and the ability to improvise. Though a cool purse filled with neat things will always give her an edge.
On October 1, 2007 at 8:40 am MJ said...
When you whap a bad guy, don’t pause to check for effect—keep on whapping til the bad guy’s down.
On October 1, 2007 at 9:19 am Jenny A said...
Gatorperson, our purses are almost identical. But you forgot the latex gloves, flashlight, and camera. (Have I mentioned that my purse is Very Heavy?)
But for weird and wondrous content, Jake’s purse (The Seventh Sinner, Elizabeth Peters) has us all beat.
On October 1, 2007 at 9:33 am Lori J. said...
I can’t believe I’ve forgotten all this, but when my brother and I were ages 12 and 10, we used to make our own homemade bombs by mixing stuff from Dad’s garage and stuff from under Mom’s kitchen sink. And really loud booming cannons using soup cans. So, I know how to blow a door off it’s hinges or create a loud diversion with exploding soup cans. Or mayhem in general.
Later, our parents moved us all to a more respectable neighborhood where explosives were frowned upon and so there went our homemade fun.
On October 1, 2007 at 9:55 am DMSerley said...
Lily C: I’ve heard some people carry tampons for gunshot wounds, but I’m a bit dubious myself.
Soldiers in Iraq are doing this right now. My cousin who returned from a tour said in his location there was a shortage in bandages for a while and guys were using tampons for bullet wound first aid.
Here are my suggestions for the Argh Ink Heroine’s Handbook:
Tampons and pads can be used for wound first aid.
Pine tree sap makes a good temporary glue
000 steel wool is a good fire starter. After touching it with a match it won’t look like its lit, but if you blow on it you can see the glow and its incredibly hot.
Keep you car doors locked and don’t stop to help anyone on the road. You have a cellphone: use it!
The leaves and flowers of the common blue violet are edible and rich in Vitamin A and C. Half a cup gets you the USRDA dietary requirement.
Kitty litter is good for creating traction to get out of snowdrifts.
There are lots of “open source” and “free” computer software programs that work as well (or better) than commercial programs. Why pay Bill Gates?!
Rolled-up newspaper and pantyhose can be used to make a temporary splint
The Swiss Army knife is a girls best friend!
On October 1, 2007 at 11:33 am Lori J. said...
Here’s an anti-antagonist secret weapon in case you find yourself super-glued to a wall (or toilet seat). Plain nail polish remover will dissolve the glue, or at least make it unsticky. My mom got her fingers super-glued together once so I’ve seen it work.
On October 1, 2007 at 12:13 pm McB said...
Huh. All you really need to outwit badguys is duct tape, a pen knife, hardback book of your choosing, lots and lots of cotton yarn (aka kitchen cotton) and a crochet hook. You’re set. Actually I’m not sure what I would do with the duct tape but I’m sure something would come up.
The crochet hook is much handier than a knitting needle because, hey, it’s got a hook on the end. Perfect for lifting the keyright off the nail that is just that much too far away. Plus you can use it and the cotton yarn to make a chain for lowering yourself out of the window. If I were you, I’d do a row of single crochets for more strength. And, presto, when you get to the bottom you just pull on the loose end and the whole thing unravels so you can take it with you. Keep it and the crochet hook handy while tromping through the jungle. You can make a snare to catch game, use it as a trip wire to foil the bad guys (the variegated variety would do nicely for camoflauge) after which you wack them on the head with the hardback book. Then use the yarn and hook to crochet yourself a nice hammock to keep off of the ground (do you really want to sleep on the same level as the creepy crawlies?) and read your book while you wait for the hero to finally show up.
On October 1, 2007 at 12:25 pm Brunnheather said...
I always have a pitch pipe. High C’s can be deadly…
On October 1, 2007 at 1:17 pm cc said...
McB- you’re my hero- now I just have to learn to crochet
On October 1, 2007 at 2:55 pm Kieran said...
No one mentioned you have to be a kick ass driver. You have to know how to do reverse 180’s and break through barriers.
On October 1, 2007 at 7:29 pm Steph said...
Thanks for the review. I, too, would have thought this would be a useful book. too bad it didn’t deliver.
I have to credit this one to my dh but I’ll add it here – the neck of a plastic bottle [water bottle or soda] makes a great splint for fingers, especially if there is an open wound. tape on with masking tape or duct tape until you can get medical attention.
Personally, I like to give traditional wedding gifts that can double as weapons – brass candlesticks, silver platters, etc. You never know when you’ll save a life:)
On October 2, 2007 at 9:22 am Diane (TT) said...
SO not an action heroine. In “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”, I totally identified with the flaky screaming woman. I don’t care much about my nails (they’re really ugly and won’t grow right), but it would really have to be (the younger version of) Harrison Ford at risk of death to get me to put my hand in the hole with the bugs. And even that might not do it.
I never have anything useful in my bag except, sometimes, food (and a handkerchief). I always take all the other stuff out, because it gets messy in there (the receipts accumulate anyway, because I have to be next to a recycling bin to get rid of them).
And the food is rarely of the sort that would quiet a restless child – I like things that are strongly-flavored and, often, unusual. So it’s probably good that I never get any action.
On October 2, 2007 at 10:10 pm AndreaS said...
The pitch pipe reminded me of that scene in Victor/Victoria(?) with Julie Andrews where she scares away a mugger by hitting a high C. It’s great.
I always thought knitting needles would be a great weapon. You can block with them, and they would stab pretty well (I have actually stabbed myself once).
I also always thought hair chopsticks with pointy ends would be a great idea, although I’ve since seen that done.
Myself:
Know if you stab somebody hard enough in the neck, you sever their spinal cord.
Groins are a good place to aim for, but real killers/action heroes will be prepared and be able to block. Either the attack or the pain.
If you have 12 condoms, try to seduce the attacker. It’s probably easier than blowing them up… you have to have a lot of breath.
Agreed, if you’re an action heroine, know how to run in high heels. Bustiers won’t get in your way unless you’re wearing a corset. Deal with it. You’re a woman, you’re used to more pain. If you can’t run in high heels, wear sensible shoes.
I agree, we should write an Argh Ink Action Heroine’s book. Jenny’s review was great!
On October 3, 2007 at 1:13 am Catherine said...
A few months back I did a first aid course while working at the local Library. We learnt that cling wrap wrapped around the torso is good to hold intestines in if for some reason an injury causes them to fall out…
On October 3, 2007 at 1:14 am Ginger said...
If you go the knitting needle route in self-defense – I remember a scene in Heinlein’s The Moon is a Harsh Mistress where they do this, and apparently into the ear is a good target when knitting needle is your weapon of choice. Up a nostril would also work well if you have the aim/time for it, and a crochet hook would probably be very useful here in a grotesque Egyptian-embalming-mummies sort of way.
Not a cute choice, but I would hope the Action Heroine would have Mace/pepper spray in her giant purse. A roll of quarters is a useful punch-enhancer for those whose key ring doesn’t sport enough keys. My self-defense instructor noted that guys block groin shots, so he advised going for the eyes (throw stuff, to make ‘em blink), the throat, the shins with a connected stomp onto the arch of the foot. Or a punch upwards into the solar plexus (right between the ribs, aim for where they meet in the front and come up at an angle at the top of the stomach).
My aunt reminds me that a high heel or stacked wooden shoe can be a very effective weapon in the case of a carjacking. Remove shoe and clobber/threaten to clobber driver with it up side of head. Pointy end is very menacing. Just remember to remove other shoe as well so that if they pull over to the side of the road you can run really fast.
On October 3, 2007 at 7:57 am Jess said...
Oh my gosh, Catherine, the way you *worded* that… “if for some reason an injury causes them to fall out”.
My action heroine advice? No one will laugh if you run away. A smart heroine knows when she can’t win. Bravado can only get you so far, but sensible sneakers will do the rest.
On October 3, 2007 at 9:01 am RandomRanter said...
I am so impressed with all of you.
On October 3, 2007 at 12:02 pm colognegrrl said...
Too bad they’ll take away a lot of the stuff as soon as you try to board a plane, like the Swiss knife, the nail file, or the liquids. On the other hand, I’d add a roll of Scotch tape (to leave notes for rescuers or to gag someone, maybe?) and some paper clips which always come handy for a lot of purposes.
On October 9, 2007 at 3:13 am CrankyOtter said...
colognegrrl, yeah, I hear yhou. I feel sooo much safer now that I can’t travel with my full first aid kit on the airplane. sheesh. Most recently, I was unable to take a prescription med (no longer had the label and the tube was more than 3 oz) and had to chose between hair care products that won’t destroy the dye job or sunscreen.
For those airline smugglers out there who just want to get from point A to point B with all your regular stuff, those pockets in the wonderbras are good places to stash gels of various sorts.
On October 9, 2007 at 9:09 am Jenny said...
Once again, you all amaze me. And of course scare me a little, but that’s good.
I suddenly have a renewed urge to write a book about a heroine who crochets . . . oh, wait, I’m doing that now.
Will think about Emmeline chain-stitching her way out of trouble on the road today.
On October 16, 2007 at 6:58 pm Shoshana said...
Hm, I don’t know if any of you play D&D but my family does and has always been impressed with my Hippouch of Holding.
Currently in it are:
Three hard candies
tweezers
a wedding band
a metal pencil-sharpener that I adore because it’s the perfect size for makeup sticks as well as pencils
most of a roll of quarters, and some odd change of the mostly American variety (some shekels, kronar, pounds, and Canadian coins as well, hmm, time to clean it out)
a hundred tiny clear hairbands in a small ziploc
twenty black hairbands (regular size)
a small tobasco sampler
a black plastic sword (ah, drinks)
a zuni bear fetish
a leather mocassin-shaped thimble
two sticks of sugar free orange trident gum
a bottle of something called ’sniffle-free’ (aromatherapy)
a packet of Wriggley’s doublemint gum
three Canadian stamps for overseas letters
a strip of claritin
plasters
twelve two-dollar bills and a twenty
a barnes & noble’s gift card with 2$ left
twenty of the Forever stamps
a card with the alphabet in american sign-language on it
a copy of my spectacles prescription
a scrap of bright green construction paper with a random phone number on it (?)
4 pictures of family and friends
library cards for three cities (all current, ha!)
driver’s license, credit card, and atm card
business card for the local beekeeper (nice guy)
blood donor card
membership cards for:
borders, bimart, albertson’s, two different coops, QFC, safeway, my local rockhound group, and AAA
two phone cards
a copy of the Jabberwocky and Jenny Joseph’s ‘Warning’
my business card with directions to SOMEPLACE on the back
my tax license and the PTIN card
two small LED flashlights, one tiny on a keychain, one larger with a flexible neck and clip and magnetic bottom
a small leather coinpurse with 63 miniscule dice
a jeweler’s loupe
a very nice pair of hair-cutting scissors
a block of paraffin
a 12 piece needle file set of very nice swedish steel
a small deck of cards (regular, not pinochle)
a bag of earplugs
neosporin
whiteout
a small pill-bottle that says ‘aspirin’ and is a mix of iron, B-complex, ibuprofin, and tylenol
a pencil eraser
a small tube of toothpaste
a charm against frogs that a shaman gave me twelve years ago (it’s worked wonderfully, too)
a roll of US postcard stamps (mostly still there)
a whistle
a Hamsa keychain with two regular keys and one to a padlock
coughdrops
four abolone shell ovals in a small ziploc
two more tweezers (hm.)
a six-inch wooden ruler
a small comb
chapstick
a tumbled ovoid agate
a small bound blue book, half-filled with addresses, phone numbers, shopping lists, airline ticket reservation numbers, and other miscelania (sp?)
a copy of my immunization record
a checkbook
some sanitary napkins
sixteen yards of embroidery silks, sewing needles, safety pins, and paperclips in a leather case
a tumbled ovoid chunk of obsidian
two new double A batteries
a plastic pencil sharpener (which I’m taking out right now, actually, what was it doing there?)
a half-finsihed silkstone cab
two nail clippers
a small container of moisturizer
a twenties barrette (a metal flower with zircons)
the brass padlock that goes to the key (from 1890’s, wonder why it’s in here?)
another twenty Forever stamps
two small stubby cylindrical neodinium magnets
nine weaker magnetic strips with white blank backs
four small pencil erasers
4 mechanical pencils
5 pens
brown eyeliner
a double-ended calligraphy pen, black, with acid-free ink,sizes 3 and 1.5
a small cylindrical container with 3 button-cell battery replacements for the flashlight with the flexible neck, and a lithium watch battery
2 crochet hooks, a 4 (2 mm) and a 5 1/2 (yes, they’re small, so what?)
a gerber folding knife that IS legal here, I checked
a metal money clip with a fold-out nail file on one side and knife on the other
a small plastic tube with a tiny screwdriver and some two dozen screws of varying sizes, hopefully one of which will fit my specs.
Huh. That’s it. Well.
Anyway, the best bit is it only weighs 4 pounds or so and you wouldn’t BELIEVE how handy most of that is! I usually have a kerchief, too, but it’s currently holding my hair out of my face.
On October 16, 2007 at 7:02 pm Shoshana said...
oh, I forgot the three fishhooks, they’re hooked in through the fabric between pockets, so I’m always forgetting that they’re there.
On November 18, 2007 at 4:06 pm Evelyn said...
I actually don’t agree with Jenny’s review. While it is true her take on the book is funnier than the guide itself, to me The Action Heroine’s Handbook contains one piece of information which alone was worth reading the book for me.
I was writing a screenplay and had trouble coming up with a plausible way to start someone’s life over. The book suggested to go to a cemetery and look for a grave of any young baby that would have been the appropriate age by now (like say mid twenty’s if he/she lived). Then go to the Courthouse and ask for a birth certificate going with a story that your parents lost it. IF you act friendly, like you have nothing to hide, they do look it up and give you a copy – tried it. After that, forging of other documents can proceed.
So the book isn’t all together a loss. Come on, it deserves at least one cherry?