Jennifer Crusie | Argh Ink | Blog

I’ve been home two days. I’ve eaten twice, run errands for two hours, put the non-slip surface on the rest of my front steps, and slept forty-two hours. It’s now past nine, I have to get up at the crack of dawn to catch a plane, and I’m still not packed.

I think I’ll take a nap.

You know, I want to like LA. It’s warm, and I love the houses—the bungalows and adobes and cottages—and the foliage and the diversity. But I always end up feeling like an extra in The Player—too fat, too old, and too Ohioan to do anything but cross the street in the background while the leads in whatever story is happening do the interesting stuff. It’s not that the people aren’t lovely, everybody I met with today was wonderful, it’s just that we don’t seem to be on the same planet. I’m a novelist, and they’re in the business of making movies, which is how I said “theme park” and the guy I was talking to ended up on a golf course with a divorced couple staring down a hole at another world. So I said, “Great idea” without adding “but not for me.” Other news: ghosts are good and dogs are out (Lassie, go home). Then I went to lunch at the hotel and watched a woman in a bikini filled with fake breasts stretch out to get skin cancer. So I ordered fettucini Alfredo, finished off the bread basket, and then went for the chocolate cake and ice cream. Because I will never fit into LA, even if I lost a hundred pounds. You can take the romance writer out of Ohio, but she’ll still look like the farm girl she is.

And anyway, I like dogs.

I would love to say something pithy and funny and insightful about LA, but mostly I have seen the airport hotel where I have been sleeping extensively since landing two days ago (two?) except for yesterday when Inkgrrl and her husband the Prince took Krissie and me to Little Tokyo where we had a fabulous time shopping. There were no deep thoughts at any time. Then today I slept all day again–forget everything you hear about trying to combat jet lag and just sleep the damn thing off–and Krissie and I watched As You Like It on HBO and didn’t much, although there were some amazing performances there and beautiful costumes, and I think Romola Garai may be Nadine from Faking It because she was marvelous. And now I really need to write but I’m going to sleep again. Then do a lunch meeting tomorrow, maybe dinner with my Famous Cousin but maybe not because he’s shooting something for Food TV and working late these nights, and then home tomorrow for one day before meeting Doom Boy for five nights of booksignings, including three more freaking plane flights. I am half-sick of airports, said the Lady of Jetlag. As for staying home to teach, much better to travel and not teach. I’ve been all over the world but mostly I’ve seen airports, highways, and hotel conference rooms because there’s always someplace else I have to rush off to, leaving wonderful, generous people behind saying, “Wait, we can show you things . . . ” but I have to go somewhere and do something else. So not going to do that any more.

Oh and if you want to see Little Tokyo, I think Krissie’s going to put the photos up on her blog since she’s the one who took them this time. But not sure. You want certainty, get me in about a week when I’m home again and my brains have settled. And even then, I’m confused. I think it’s something in the stars. Everything seems to be saying to batten the hatches from now until October and then sort out the debris then, so I’m thinking maybe that’s what I’ll do.

That and write a couple of books. Another good reason to get off the road and stop teaching. Books to write, music to listen to, dogs to pat . . . nothing but good times ahead. In October.

Addendum:
I forgot: Agnes and the Hitman hit the bookstores today. Anybody who was thinking about buying it, now is good. The rest of you just go back to whatever it was that you were doing. Oh and there’s a coupon for $3 off on the Crusie-Mayer website. Tell everybody. Thank you.

We landed, and without killing the brat that screamed the last half hour of the flight without pausing to even draw breath. We both adored Australia and New Zealand, but I looked at the year ahead and thought, “That’s it.” Then I called Mollie and said, “i’m back in the States and I know I said I wasn’t going to do conferences any more, but really, I’m not going to do conferences any more.” Everybody in the continental US has heard me speak at least twice, so it’s a good time to quit before people start rolling their eyes and throwing things. This means that if you want to catch me at a conference, you’re going to have to hit the Cherry Conference or the Low Country Beach Retreat, both in October, because after that, I’m retiring for the foreseeable future. I am just not the woman I used to be, and I’m stayin’ home to write. In November.

Cherry Con details are here (copied directly from Cherry Forums):

2007 Cherry Readers & Writers Conference:

Thursday, October 18 – Sunday, October 21, 2007
Cincinnati Marriott at RiverCenter, Covington, Kentucky

Guest Speakers:

Jenny Crusie ~ Alesia Holliday ~ Lani Diane Rich ~ Anne Stuart

Featured Activities (subject to change):

Writer workshops
Reader chats
Collage and crafting sessions
Pajama parties
Cherry bonding
Free giveaways
Possible book signing

Conference Fee: $235*

REGISTRATIONS ACCEPTED STARTING JULY 16, 2007
CONFERENCE FEE DUE BY SEPTEMBER 1, 2007. NO LATE REGISTRATIONS. CONFERENCE CAPACITY OF 80: SIGN UP EARLY!

Hotel rooms at the Cincinnati Marriott at RiverCenter available at a conference rate of $134/night; book through hotel. Mention code: Jennifer Crusie Writers.
Reservations must be made by September 13, 2007.

Cincinnati Marriott at RiverCenter
10 West RiverCenter Boulevard, Covington, KY 41011
PHONE 859-261-2900 FAX 859-261-0900

http://www.cincinnatimarriottrivercenter.com/

*Fee includes:
Conference. Dinner Thursday and Friday nights; mid morning and afternoon snacks Friday and Saturday; Continental breakfasts Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Preliminary Cherry Table of Contents (subject to change)

Thursday

6:30-9:00PM: Welcome dinner & reception: cash bar. During dessert authors will give readings from their upcoming wip.

Friday

8:00AM: Continental breakfast
9:00AM-Noon: Workshops & Chats
12:00-1:00PM: YA Lunch with YA authors Robin and Barb
1:00-4:00PM: Workshops & Chats
6:30-9:00PM: Dinner and collage party. Cash bar

Saturday

8:00AM: Continental Breakfast
9:00AM-Noon: Workshops & Chats
12-1:00PM: Lunch with Chris
1:00-4:00PM: Workshops & Chats

Book signing at Barnes & Nobel Newport on the Levee

Evening is open for small group/large group activities

Sunday

9:00AM: Continental breakfast and goodbyes

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

2007 CHERRY CON REGISTRATION FORM

Mail To:

Jill Purinton
205 Maple St.
Lamar, MO. 64759
Email: joedpjilldp@yahoo.com

• If sending in multiple registrations, please fill out one form per attendee.
• Conference attendees are not required to stay at the Marriott, but it is highly suggested.

Name_______________ ___________________ ___________________ ______
Cherry name_______________ ___________________ ___________________ _
Address ___________________ ___________________ ___________________
Phone ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _
Email ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _
Roommate: If you are rooming with any registered cherries, please list their names here:
___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _________

Conference Fee $235

TOTAL ENCLOSED: _______

*FEES MUST BE RECEIVED BY SEPTEMBER 1, 2007 TO ATTEND CONFERENCE.
* Checks/money orders made out to: Jill Purinton
* Registration will close when 80 reservations are received
* Hotel reservations must be made by September 13.

You know I feel so much better after writing this. Wonderful times Down Under. Longest Sunday of my life (teaching until four at the wonderful New Zealand conference, flying for twelve hours, trudging though LAX customs and then on to the hotel, three hour nap, and now dinner approaches . . .). Exciting times coming up on the book tour. Then two more conferences and it’s nothing but writing books ahead.

Cheetos in Australia are called Cheese Twisties. They’re excellent.

We went to the Sydney Wildlife something or other and saw amazing things like the frilled lizard and this guy:

They drive on the other side of the road here–I know, duh–and it makes turning a corner a really exciting experience.

They sell Krispy Kremes in the Sydney airport.

Also at the Sydney Wildlife something we went to: wallabies. They looked so much like Wolfie, except not, that I got homesick.

I found luggage I loved in the airport, chartreuse and eggplant leather, but I couldn’t figure out a way to get it on the plane since it was too big to be carry-on size. Terrible disappointment.

Anne Gracie and Joanna Graves are goddesses.

They had fascinating insects–no, really–at the Wildlife thingy, and on the wall near one of them, it said: “Weird truth: During mating, a female praying mantis may bit the male’s head off. Incredibly, the male will continue to mate.” Krissie and I couldn’t figure out what was incredible about that.

I’m liking this idea of “tea.” I just called it “snacks” at home, but the idea of scheduling snacks appeals to me.

Also at the Sydney Wildlife whatever: Koalas. Close enough to touch, fast asleep (twenty hours of sleep a day) holding their babies:

Okay, I looked at the sweater on the stuffed wallaby I bought and it says Sydney Wildlife World, a truly fabulous place. Especially the wallaby cliffs:

And speaking of groups in the wild domesticated, here are the Australian romance writers, or at least some of the ones that came to my PAN lecture:

Melynda gave me a box of assorted Cadbury miniatures, like the Hershey miniatures we have in the states except I didn’t know what any of them were. So every one was a surprise. Thank you very much, Melynda!

Australian money is beautiful:

I’m sick as a dog in New Zealand, but the people are just lovely.

Krissie bought a book in the airport bookstore because it had an Asian hero. When we got off the plane in Auckland, she practically threw it at me. “One kiss, no tongue,” she said, incensed. The people standing next to her took a step to the right.

Marty Crump, the radio interviewer from this morning, said he was just a dumb Kiwi, but he knew that if you wanted a bit of a cuddle at night, you had to start in the morning. There should be more dumb Kiwis like Marty in the world, that’s what I think.

Inkgrrl wrote and said that everyone who had come back to the states from the Australia conference was sick with flu and she knew I always got sick when I travelled and what did I need her to get me when I got to LA? And I thought, I don’t always get sick when I travel, but I do get sick when I’m stressed and there are people in the States right now stressing me–not in Australia and New Zealand–so I have decided to ignore everything although the urge to quote one of my favorite movies, Cookie’s Fortune, is almost overwhelming: “What is WRONG with you people?” The world would run so much smoother if everyone would just do what I want.

Krissie enchanted the Australians when she sang the first verse of an Australian folk song to them:

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Merry, merry king of the bush is he
Laugh, Kookaburra; laugh, Kookaburra
How gay your life must be

Then she sang the second verse and stunned them into silence:

Kookaburra sits on the railroad track
Along comes the train and knocks him flat
Die, kookaburra, die, kookaburra
That’s the end of that.

That second verse sounds like something the bloody Americans made up.

Giving the Sex and Violence talk with Krissie instead of Bob brings a whole new dimension to the topic. Bob never offers to tell how often he and his significant other have sex.

There’s a discount shoe place in the lower level of the hotel and I’m too sick to go look, that’s how sick I am.

New Zealand Romance Writers: Absolutely lovely people, except they encourage Krissie. Sigh.

I have gotten exactly zero work done since I got on the plane in Cincinnati. I have to stop traveling and concentrate on the stories. But we’ve met such wonderful people here Down Under, that I’ll remember it with joy forever. And Krissie’s going to move here, probably for the rugby teams which she described at one lecture as “man meat.” Well, you had to be there.

AGMs in Australia and New Zealand last fifteen minutes. I love it here.

The weight of the future is now bearing down on us. Agnes and Lost Girls are coming out in just a couple of days, and nobody knows what’s going to happen. “Lightning coming in over the water,” Bob says, but then he’s never been much for the glass half full approach. But there does seem to be a gathering on the horizon. The thunder rolls. It rolls a six. (I love Terry Pratchett.)

Those of you coming to the booksignings next week, brace yourself. Since I’m sick, Bob says he’ll take care of everything. “I’ll be charming,” he says. No wonder there’s lightning over the water. Or as he said in his last e-mail, “plagues and tidal waves and legions of locusts await.” It’s hard to choose between my speaking partners, Anne “Man Meat” Stuart and Bob “We’re Doomed” Mayer. I think I’ll keep them both.