I Know You’re Getting Tired Of This But . . .
Jun202007
We need another tagline.
I know, I KNOW, we tried to do this one on our own, but it’s not working.
Here’s the deal: We’re working on the merchandising (yes, FINALLY) and we’re at the Cranky Agnes stuff. This is not about Agnes and the Hitman, this is the merchandising that would have been done to promote Agnes’s column and her first book, Mob Food in Agnes and the Hitman.
So not promoting a novel here. You are now IN the book and Agnes is looking at you saying, “I need a tagline for the merchandising to sell my column and my Mob Food book.”
With me so far?
In the book, there are two promotional items that Agnes has in her kitchen because the publisher always sends you one to show you what they look like. I still have my Fast Women coffee cup. It’s fab. Where was I? Right.
Agnes has a white apron with her logo (the face) on it. From the book:
Agnes took a white apron off a hook by the door and put it on–it said Cranky Agnes’s Mob Food on it under a drawing of Agnes in her glasses–and tore open a package of sausages.
And there’s a promo mug:
The coffeemaker beeped and Shane took a mug from a hook under the cabinet–it had the Cranky Agnes logo, too–and poured out a cup.
But instead of just the logo, Mollie and Mara who are working on the designs right now would also like a tagline for Agnes’s column and/or for the Mob Food book. The columns, as I’m writing them now, argh, are a low rent approach to food in general. Here’s Agnes talking about FoodTV:
There are people who can make everything those chefs make, they live for the recipes on FoodTV. They have springform pans and apple corers and microplane graters. You are not that person because if you were, you’d be spitting on this column. Then there are the people who can make most things and will carefully select the recipes they watch based on their own abilities. You are not that person, either. Then there are the people who drool at the TV thinking, God, that looks so good, I’m going to make that, and end up with half a jar of capers in their fridges and the other half in a recipe that goes down their garbage disposals. You are that person. I am that person. Most of America is that person. Food TV is like porn; we dial it up even though we’re pretty sure we can’t do that, in fact we’re pretty sure we don’t want to do that, but it sure is fun to watch. And then sometimes, in the heat of watching, we try to do that. It’s usually not pretty.
Or from another column:
Another way to increase your chances of surviving is whole wheat pasta. It tastes a little different, but again, when was the last time you said, “Oh, good, pasta!” and meant a plate of naked noodles? Pasta is almost always the delivery system for the sauce (I’m ignoring fresh noodles here because, come on, you’re not making fresh noodles because if you were, you wouldn’t be reading my column, you’d be out milking the goat) and the sauce is almost always tangy (tomatoes and basil and garlic and onions and peppers, oh my) or creamy (alfredo, parmesan, the blond heart attack on a plate). You’ll adapt to the whole wheat in no time and up your fiber consumption considerably. Try whole wheat tortillas, too; they actually taste better. Whole wheat pancakes, on the other hand, are like those people in the synthetic shoes who tell you leather is a sin: you want to like them but they smell odd and you just end up avoiding them so the ingredients sit on your pantry shelf and age while you feel guilty. High fiber does not have to mean “tastes like a wet dog.” Any food that has a gram of fiber for every fifty calories is high fiber so check to make sure. Those manufacturers will slap whole wheat on anything, but the fiber/calorie ration does not lie.
And she ends every recipe with “Eat.” As in:
5. Season with salt and pepper to taste (less is more because you can always add more at the table).
6. Toss with the hot pasta. Top with cheese if you want.
7. Eat.
So that’s the kind of column you’re selling. What would be a good tagline (very short, very pithy, has to fit on a mug or apron) for Agnes? Or what would be a good tagline for the Mob Food cookbook (she wrote it with Joey, it’s part cookbook, part memoir, part Joey and Agnes hanging out)?
The contest ends when we get a tagline or taglines we like. Because did I mention they’re working on the merchandising right now? As they’re trying to finish by the end of the week? And they won’t let me see any of it because as soon as I get any jpgs, I post them here. As Bob always says, I’d last ten seconds in covert ops. So I don’t get to see the designs until they’re done which is until we have taglines. It’s an emergency. I’m dying of curiousity here.
Oh, and if we pick your tagline, you get an Agnes ARC and one of the merchandise items we make using your line.
Thank you. I know this tagline stuff is getting old. It’s because I’ve got three books coming out in the space of four months (Coffee At Luke’s, the Gilmore Girls book, is out and I still haven’t see it) so we’re in a PR perfect storm at the moment. I’ll do a real post soon. I found most of the DLD cover designs, too, if you want a walk down Memory Lane. And I have some deep thoughts I need to share. Plus, I think Bob’s coming to visit, and that’s usually good for a post. I swear, it won’t always be “Give me a tagline.” Really.
Off to drive to the store. I get really good ideas when I drive.
Filed in X (Everything Else) | Comments (147)




