Comments on: Zelda 9: The Outside in Your Head http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/ More than you ever wanted to hear from Bestselling Author Jenny Crusie. Sun, 01 Aug 2010 00:08:50 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Lambie Pie http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-3900 Lambie Pie Sat, 21 Apr 2007 21:19:29 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-3900 I really wish I couldn't relate quite so well to this problem. Yes, NAKED ONCE MORE, included a writer whose family ate her up. Sometimes I sit down and write all sorts of horrible things about the person who has wronged me. I write until it's all gone. After a while I burn or shred or just recycle the paper. It's okay. Also, I've gotten rid of the TV, the radio, and the phone, and I'm slow to answer the door. When things are just too awful to think about, I recite the multiplication tables, up as far as I can go, which is about 15 times 15. There is no way to hold onto other thoughts while you are doing the math. I really wish I couldn’t relate quite so well to this problem.

Yes, NAKED ONCE MORE, included a writer whose family ate her up.

Sometimes I sit down and write all sorts of horrible things about the person who has wronged me. I write until it’s all gone. After a while I burn or shred or just recycle the paper. It’s okay.

Also, I’ve gotten rid of the TV, the radio, and the phone, and I’m slow to answer the door.

When things are just too awful to think about, I recite the multiplication tables, up as far as I can go, which is about 15 times 15. There is no way to hold onto other thoughts while you are doing the math.

]]> By: Rosa http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2089 Rosa Sat, 24 Feb 2007 19:38:19 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2089 I've had jobs where what I did was deflect all the unecessary requests so someone else can do their job. It takes energy, it takes skill, and RECOGNIZING that it takes energy and skill is one way to push it out into the land of Not Your Problem - you have a job. Therapist/pincushion/front desk is not your vocation, and the spewer can just keep crank calling til they find someone whose vocation it is. That said, I keep meeting people who have done Nonviolent Communication courses and they all say that learning to respond well has helped them stop negative or derogatory or violent people from taking up all their psychic energy. I haven't tried it, so I don't know, but it makes sense - take away the spewer's allies in your head and close the encounter in a satisfactory way, and you'll be done when you hang up instead of still upset later. But it takes a lot of energy and time to learn to do it too. I’ve had jobs where what I did was deflect all the unecessary requests so someone else can do their job. It takes energy, it takes skill, and RECOGNIZING that it takes energy and skill is one way to push it out into the land of Not Your Problem – you have a job. Therapist/pincushion/front desk is not your vocation, and the spewer can just keep crank calling til they find someone whose vocation it is.

That said, I keep meeting people who have done Nonviolent Communication courses and they all say that learning to respond well has helped them stop negative or derogatory or violent people from taking up all their psychic energy. I haven’t tried it, so I don’t know, but it makes sense – take away the spewer’s allies in your head and close the encounter in a satisfactory way, and you’ll be done when you hang up instead of still upset later. But it takes a lot of energy and time to learn to do it too.

]]> By: Diane (TT) http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2070 Diane (TT) Fri, 23 Feb 2007 21:10:01 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2070 This is the main theme of Dorothy L. Sayers' <i>Gaudy Night</i>. If I am interpreting her correctly, the resolution she comes to is to form relationships with people who also value your work. Clearly this is not possible with parents and children (though one can, of course, choose not to produce the latter). I heard a woman minister preach once on the Golden Rule: she thought the important interpretation for men was that they should give as much consideration to others as they give to themselves, but that many women need to remember that they <i>need</i> to give consideration to themselves as well as to others. And in "The Mind of the Maker", Sayers argues that it is in our work that we most closely approach God, by sharing in the process of creation. So, I'm sure it's hard to make the outside go away again - especially the venom (where's the powdered unicorn's horn - taken only from unicorns dead of natural causes - when you need it?). But we're all VERY grateful that you have the vocation to write and wish you all the best filters and scrubbers for getting the outside back out. This is the main theme of Dorothy L. Sayers’ Gaudy Night. If I am interpreting her correctly, the resolution she comes to is to form relationships with people who also value your work. Clearly this is not possible with parents and children (though one can, of course, choose not to produce the latter).

I heard a woman minister preach once on the Golden Rule: she thought the important interpretation for men was that they should give as much consideration to others as they give to themselves, but that many women need to remember that they need to give consideration to themselves as well as to others. And in “The Mind of the Maker”, Sayers argues that it is in our work that we most closely approach God, by sharing in the process of creation.

So, I’m sure it’s hard to make the outside go away again – especially the venom (where’s the powdered unicorn’s horn – taken only from unicorns dead of natural causes – when you need it?). But we’re all VERY grateful that you have the vocation to write and wish you all the best filters and scrubbers for getting the outside back out.

]]> By: Jenny http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2061 Jenny Fri, 23 Feb 2007 15:49:31 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-2061 Thank you, e! Thank you, e!

]]> By: Stephenie http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1947 Stephenie Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:35:19 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1947 I read recently that to get work done, you should unplug the phone and the internet and turn off the cell for a set period of time. When that time is done, the world can come back in, but for that time, the world must stay at bay and leave it's message to voicemail. I read recently that to get work done, you should unplug the phone and the internet and turn off the cell for a set period of time. When that time is done, the world can come back in, but for that time, the world must stay at bay and leave it’s message to voicemail.

]]> By: G and T http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1899 G and T Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:59:08 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1899 In my line of work, I field the sporadic irate call and I have gotten better at dealing with the caller, although not the acid aftermath -- I have been known to obsess for hours over an unkind or unfair word. My ground rules are anyone can talk to me, but if they are screaming, that's the end of the phone call. I have not yet used it on family or friends, but they have been pretty well behaved so far. Should that change, I am prepared to drop the boom on them. At home, I screen. In my line of work, I field the sporadic irate call and I have gotten better at dealing with the caller, although not the acid aftermath — I have been known to obsess for hours over an unkind or unfair word.
My ground rules are anyone can talk to me, but if they are screaming, that’s the end of the phone call.
I have not yet used it on family or friends, but they have been pretty well behaved so far. Should that change, I am prepared to drop the boom on them.

At home, I screen.

]]> By: ZaZa http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1850 ZaZa Thu, 22 Feb 2007 20:52:23 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1850 Barbara Michaels had a writer beset by family as the, more or less, McGuffin in her <I>Naked Once More</I>. I read this years ago, before I was writing seriously, so it resonated but not the way it does now. /;+) I think of it often. I'm taking care of a sick mother, who's problems are only going to get worse. I've found myself writing more when she's particularly bad. It's my escape. But there are those things, like this phone caller of yours, that just fire all my synapses. I'm overwhelmed by the jangle and snaping sparks and can't see anything or think and certainly not write. I used to go out and walk, very fast, passing the slow joggers fast, until I got it out off my system. Now, I can't do that, so I play solitaire games online. /;+))) Something mindless to get me past it. My version of carbs and a DVD. Barbara Michaels had a writer beset by family as the, more or less, McGuffin in her Naked Once More. I read this years ago, before I was writing seriously, so it resonated but not the way it does now. /;+) I think of it often.

I’m taking care of a sick mother, who’s problems are only going to get worse. I’ve found myself writing more when she’s particularly bad. It’s my escape. But there are those things, like this phone caller of yours, that just fire all my synapses.

I’m overwhelmed by the jangle and snaping sparks and can’t see anything or think and certainly not write. I used to go out and walk, very fast, passing the slow joggers fast, until I got it out off my system. Now, I can’t do that, so I play solitaire games online. /;+))) Something mindless to get me past it. My version of carbs and a DVD.

]]> By: e http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1849 e Thu, 22 Feb 2007 20:46:08 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1849 Hope you don't mind that I passed this post on to Powells.com. I thought it worth recommending! http://www.powells.com/blog/?p=1861 Hope you don’t mind that I passed this post on to Powells.com. I thought it worth recommending!

http://www.powells.com/blog/?p=1861

]]> By: Victoria http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1847 Victoria Thu, 22 Feb 2007 20:00:47 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1847 Virgina Wolfe wrote an essay about killing the "Angel in the House". She wrote that a female writer, not just a successful one, but any writer of the female gender has to be very, very selfish and say "I'm not giving up my space and time. I will not take the least, worst portion. I will not donate my efforts to someone else's cause. I will not suffer so that others can excell." If writing is what you have to do to be happy, then cutting idiots out of your life that get in the way of the story only make sense. No one should have to be an Angel in anyone's house. In her essay, Wolfe said she was constantly killing her inner Angel and even feeling guilty about it at times. However, she didn't let the guilt stop her from committing murder the next time. Like you, she believed in protecting the work. Be ruthless. Eat those carbs. Watch that DVD. Tell yourself "The whack job had it coming... they messed with the girls in the basement. Nobody messes with the girls." Virgina Wolfe wrote an essay about killing the “Angel in the House”. She wrote that a female writer, not just a successful one, but any writer of the female gender has to be very, very selfish and say “I’m not giving up my space and time. I will not take the least, worst portion. I will not donate my efforts to someone else’s cause. I will not suffer so that others can excell.” If writing is what you have to do to be happy, then cutting idiots out of your life that get in the way of the story only make sense. No one should have to be an Angel in anyone’s house. In her essay, Wolfe said she was constantly killing her inner Angel and even feeling guilty about it at times. However, she didn’t let the guilt stop her from committing murder the next time. Like you, she believed in protecting the work.

Be ruthless. Eat those carbs. Watch that DVD. Tell yourself “The whack job had it coming… they messed with the girls in the basement. Nobody messes with the girls.”

]]> By: Andi http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1846 Andi Thu, 22 Feb 2007 17:50:48 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1846 oooh alright, I'll come screen your calls for the mere pittance of a few more pages to read. I'll only let the happy drinkers through, just the 2 margarita girls; no 4th glass of bad white wine women. Friends and I were just talking about how much easier it is to let negativity into your space, sliding down into a bad mood. You feel obligated to listen to someone else's junk because you keep waiting for the opening to bring in the light, but too often there isn't the opening. Whoever is sour, doesn't want the light, that person wants to pull you, until you feel the slide of a bad mood. Conversely, rising to a good mood seems a little more arduous. It is easier to get off the phone when someone calls with good news. There isn't the guilt of rushing positivity off the line, and while someone else's joy spreads, it may lift you a bit, it isn't quite as slippery as the foul mood. Sorry your brain got crowded with crab cakes. oooh alright, I’ll come screen your calls for the mere pittance of a few more pages to read. I’ll only let the happy drinkers through, just the 2 margarita girls; no 4th glass of bad white wine women.

Friends and I were just talking about how much easier it is to let negativity into your space, sliding down into a bad mood. You feel obligated to listen to someone else’s junk because you keep waiting for the opening to bring in the light, but too often there isn’t the opening. Whoever is sour, doesn’t want the light, that person wants to pull you, until you feel the slide of a bad mood. Conversely, rising to a good mood seems a little more arduous. It is easier to get off the phone when someone calls with good news. There isn’t the guilt of rushing positivity off the line, and while someone else’s joy spreads, it may lift you a bit, it isn’t quite as slippery as the foul mood. Sorry your brain got crowded with crab cakes.

]]> By: K.L. http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1825 K.L. Thu, 22 Feb 2007 16:50:04 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1825 I think most of us females were raised on guilt. I know I was. As a motivator it sucks the big one. Even if you do what you should, you feel bad about it. I just finally had enough, and decided not to let other people control me with guilt. If it is my fault, I'll admit it and apologize. If it is not, I call them on it and push their problem right back at them. Of course it still warps the day and takes a while to clear out the bad feelings. Poor baby Jenny. Some dark chocolate might help. I think most of us females were raised on guilt. I know I was. As a motivator it sucks the big one. Even if you do what you should, you feel bad about it. I just finally had enough, and decided not to let other people control me with guilt. If it is my fault, I’ll admit it and apologize. If it is not, I call them on it and push their problem right back at them. Of course it still warps the day and takes a while to clear out the bad feelings. Poor baby Jenny. Some dark chocolate might help.

]]> By: Jenny http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1739 Jenny Thu, 22 Feb 2007 15:05:09 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1739 Ack! I posted too fast and screwed up Rilke's name. It's fixed now (well a slapdash fix) but thanks for catching that, Mary. That's the problem with a "Twelve Days" series, I can't let anything sit overnight and go back over it the next day. Sorry. Ack! I posted too fast and screwed up Rilke’s name. It’s fixed now (well a slapdash fix) but thanks for catching that, Mary. That’s the problem with a “Twelve Days” series, I can’t let anything sit overnight and go back over it the next day. Sorry.

]]> By: McB http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1738 McB Thu, 22 Feb 2007 15:01:47 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1738 Why should you feel guilty? Writing isn't your hobby, its your living. If you were back teaching again, or working in an office, those outside forces would show more respect. But because you work from your own home they don't bother. Ditch the guilt - you were <i>WORKING</i>. Why should you feel guilty? Writing isn’t your hobby, its your living. If you were back teaching again, or working in an office, those outside forces would show more respect. But because you work from your own home they don’t bother. Ditch the guilt – you were WORKING.

]]> By: Strop http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1694 Strop Thu, 22 Feb 2007 12:31:28 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1694 Think about Rosemore. I've been rereading Hot Money, and it struck me once again how much everyone loves Quantum, how they're all desperate to be back there. It's the family safe place. Think about Rosemore. I’ve been rereading Hot Money, and it struck me once again how much everyone loves Quantum, how they’re all desperate to be back there. It’s the family safe place.

]]> By: downundergal http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1693 downundergal Thu, 22 Feb 2007 08:46:18 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1693 Carbs and DVD - see there is an upside to toxic phone calls ;-) Carbs and DVD – see there is an upside to toxic phone calls ;-)

]]> By: roben http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1692 roben Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:29:33 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1692 That's a shame because you were making such great progress. I do understand though, I haven't been able to write for two days because of my crazy mind. I keep stewing over something I did, so I do understand about an inability to let go of that negative stuff. Protect your work, your privacy, and your sanity, above all else. If the person is a loved one, let them stew for a day or two, and then call and reopen the dialogue. And yes, BCB, Mercury is retrograde for about another week and has been for a week. Communications are always a mess when Merc does its thing. And don't I know it. God, I just want to slap myself up the side of the head and no, I hadn't even had a glass of wine, I was just well, insecure and damn childish. And, I have no way of contacting this person and explaining, other than email, which I've tried but of course gotten no response. So, Jenny take comfort in the DVD and the carbs, at least it wasn't you who spewed the venom. But, if it's still bothering you in the morning, maybe you need to pick up the phone and ask for an explanation. That’s a shame because you were making such great progress. I do understand though, I haven’t been able to write for two days because of my crazy mind. I keep stewing over something I did, so I do understand about an inability to let go of that negative stuff. Protect your work, your privacy, and your sanity, above all else. If the person is a loved one, let them stew for a day or two, and then call and reopen the dialogue.

And yes, BCB, Mercury is retrograde for about another week and has been for a week. Communications are always a mess when Merc does its thing. And don’t I know it. God, I just want to slap myself up the side of the head and no, I hadn’t even had a glass of wine, I was just well, insecure and damn childish. And, I have no way of contacting this person and explaining, other than email, which I’ve tried but of course gotten no response.

So, Jenny take comfort in the DVD and the carbs, at least it wasn’t you who spewed the venom. But, if it’s still bothering you in the morning, maybe you need to pick up the phone and ask for an explanation.

]]> By: Charlene Teglia http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1691 Charlene Teglia Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:16:37 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1691 Argh. Julia Cameron wrote good stuff about people who try to push their drama on others, and how she pushes it back. I can't remember offhand if that was in The Artist's Way, or The Right to Write, but it's a pretty crucial point for creative people. I hope carb therapy brings you back to Rosemore. Argh. Julia Cameron wrote good stuff about people who try to push their drama on others, and how she pushes it back. I can’t remember offhand if that was in The Artist’s Way, or The Right to Write, but it’s a pretty crucial point for creative people. I hope carb therapy brings you back to Rosemore.

]]> By: kat http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1690 kat Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:02:57 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1690 I hate this. Really, really hate. The good part is that, though my family has the right to demand things of me and I have lost writing time to that, they give back, too. The phone for example. I don't even look around when the phone rings and I'm writing, because I know my husband will answer it and -- unless it's important or something I can deal with quickly -- field it for me. And my mother, who also happens to be my boss, has been known to rewrite my work schedule to make sure I have enough time to write. Of course, I have to give back (as in last week, which I spent much of crawling around in the ice with a cold so my parents could have a vacation.) But it's give and take, not just give. With a lot of the writers I know -- especially the women -- it's give, give, give, and writing is supposed to take a backseat to everything. Once you get into that situation you've got to give yourself permission to be selfish, I think. Because *they're* being selfish, whether they realize it or not. They're making assumptions about whose needs take priority. That society tends to back them up is no excuse at all. I hate this. Really, really hate.

The good part is that, though my family has the right to demand things of me and I have lost writing time to that, they give back, too. The phone for example. I don’t even look around when the phone rings and I’m writing, because I know my husband will answer it and — unless it’s important or something I can deal with quickly — field it for me. And my mother, who also happens to be my boss, has been known to rewrite my work schedule to make sure I have enough time to write.

Of course, I have to give back (as in last week, which I spent much of crawling around in the ice with a cold so my parents could have a vacation.) But it’s give and take, not just give. With a lot of the writers I know — especially the women — it’s give, give, give, and writing is supposed to take a backseat to everything. Once you get into that situation you’ve got to give yourself permission to be selfish, I think. Because *they’re* being selfish, whether they realize it or not. They’re making assumptions about whose needs take priority. That society tends to back them up is no excuse at all.

]]> By: JulieB http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1689 JulieB Thu, 22 Feb 2007 02:41:11 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1689 I think it must be the alignment of the stars. Today my friend, who came over to work while I wrote, finally looked at me and said "are you going to get any writing done? Because I'm staying here to try to defend you space to work." I sighed and admitted that this morning had done me in. Tonight I have a cat on my lap and a dog at my side. I'm going to read my HWSW homework and turn in early. But I think Faulkner was an ass. Of course, I say that having read only one of his stories years ago. But I certainly wouldn't have wanted to live with that attitude. I think it must be the alignment of the stars. Today my friend, who came over to work while I wrote, finally looked at me and said “are you going to get any writing done? Because I’m staying here to try to defend you space to work.” I sighed and admitted that this morning had done me in. Tonight I have a cat on my lap and a dog at my side. I’m going to read my HWSW homework and turn in early. But I think Faulkner was an ass. Of course, I say that having read only one of his stories years ago. But I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to live with that attitude.

]]> By: Mary http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1688 Mary Thu, 22 Feb 2007 02:29:30 +0000 http://www.arghink.com/2007/02/21/zelda-9-the-outside-in-your-head/#comment-1688 This is probably a dumb question, but who is Theodore Rilke? I know Rainier Maria Rilke and Theodore Roethke. Wikipedia has failed me, and Google pointed me to quotes that were actually taken from R.M. Rilke. This is probably a dumb question, but who is Theodore Rilke? I know Rainier Maria Rilke and Theodore Roethke. Wikipedia has failed me, and Google pointed me to quotes that were actually taken from R.M. Rilke.

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